SMS Jokes 2011-209

Jokes courtesy of Kups. Thank you so much, dear. 😛

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, ‘I wish I had bigger tits’. The boyfriend says ‘well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months’. ‘How will that help to make my tits bigger?‘ asks the girlfriend.
‘Well it worked for your ass’ says the boyfriend.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ … and she’s always sound asleep."

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A Woman’s Prayer:
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I’ll just beat him to death.

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SON: "Dad, what is an idiot?"
DAD: "An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?"
SON: "No."

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Teacher asks student: "What is the half of 8?"
STUDENT: "Miss horizontally or vertically?"
TEACHER: "What do mean?"
STUDENT: "Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3."

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A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.
‘We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do ?’ she asks.
Husband replies ‘Put it between your legs to keep it warm’.
‘But it stinks !’ she exclaims.
‘So hold its nose !’

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An old lady and an old man are sitting in their retirement home. The man turns to the woman and says, “I bet you can’t tell me how old I am.”
She says, “Ok.”
She then unzips his fly, feels around for a while and finally says, “You’re seventy-three.”
That’s amazing!” the man exclaims. “How did you know?”
She replies, “You told me yesterday.”

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SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE
“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C.    “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C.    “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D.    “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D.    “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D.    “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D.    “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

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Dear Osama bin Laden,
My hiding place is better than yours.
—–Waldo

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A tired doctor is awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
“Please, you have to come right away,”pleads a distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.”
The physician dresses quickly, but before he can get out the door, the phone rings again.
“You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman says with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

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A mom was potty training her 4 year old son. She said, “I’ll teach you some steps.”
Step 1: Unzip.
Step 2: Drop pants.
Step 3: Pull penis out.
Step 4: Pee.
Step 5: Pull penis back.
Step 6: Pick up pants and zip.
A few days later, the mom was walking by the bathroom and she heard someone repeatedly saying, “3..5..3..5..3..5..3..5..3..5…”

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oOo

"Feeling ko talaga magaling ka sa puzzle. Kasi kasisimula pa lang ng araw ko ay nabuo mo na kaagad" – Sarah Geronimo, You Changed My Life (2009)

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