Saturday Humor From Kups

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

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A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

The reporter approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It’s called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you right now.”

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As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you’ll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.

"They’re from England," he said. "I think they’re looking for the elevator."

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A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door.

In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I’m Turner Brown. The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself.  So he does, "I said I’m 6 – 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.?The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around!”

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The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."

The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for over six hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Jewish man says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!"

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QUESTION: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
ANSWER: Princess Diana’s death.
QUESTION: How come?
ANSWER: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals…..

That, my friends, is Globalization!

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THE RICH

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THE POOR

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oOo

"Ang pag-ibig parang crispy pata ‘yan, ha. Masarap, pero deadly" – Janus del Prado, I Do (2010)

Relasyon

Ayoko na pagtuunan pa ng pansin o ibuhos ang loob ko sa pakikipag-relasyon. Kasi mula bata pa, mula noong matuto ako magmahal…pansin ko hindi talaga ako pinapalad.

Kulit ko naman kung hanggang ngayon at sa pagkahaba-haba ng panahon ay magpipilit pa rin ako na magkaroon ng mga relasyon chuwariwariwap na yan, di vah? Suko na ako. Ayoko na maging matigas pa ang bungo ko sa mga bagay na alam kong lagi naman akong OLATS. 

Aktwali, hindi lang sa relasyon. Pansin ko kahit sa mga pa-raffle ek ek, sa lotto, sa pusoy, sa Lucky 9, sa Bingo, sa Jack Stone, sa sungka, o kahit anong laro, sugal at pustahan…hindi rin ako maswerte.

Ang pakikipag-relasyon ay parang sugal din daw. Araguyy! Kaya siguro hindi din ako nananalo. Hays…bakit kaya pagdating sa relasyon, salat na salat ako sa goodluck? Why oh why? Charot!

Heniweys, tama na siguro yung nagseryoso ako sa pinasukan kong mga relasyon noon. Yung nagmahal ng hebigat at todo-todo talaga. Hindi man ako nabigyan ng tsansa o sinuwerte, well, marami naman akong natutunan. Bleh! 

MamaruAyoko na kumplikahin pa ang buhay ko. Walang masama sa pagiging singol poreber. Masarap ang maging simple. Masarap ang buhay na payak. Masarap ang magkaroon ng katawan na tama lang sa luho. Masarap ang magkaroon ng maraming oras. Masarap gumising sa umaga na hindi puyat dahil mahimbing ang tulog mo sa gabi bunga ng walang bumabagabag sa isip at ipinag-aalala.

Mabait ang Diyos. Hindi man ako swerte sa relasyon, dito siento por siento naman ako masuwerte — sa pagkakaroon ng mga anak!

Dito na lang siguro ako magpo-focus dahil dito mas lumulutang ang talent ko at ang abilidad ko. Dito mas na-appreciate ako, at ang pagkababae ko — sa pagiging INA.

 

 

 

oOo

"Kahit hindi tayo meant to be, eh ano? Make a mistake with me. Malay mo, maka-tsamba ka sa maling choice" – Janus Del Prado, I Do (2010)