SMS Jokes 2011-212

…courtesy of MIKE. Thank you so much, pal.

Ang Tunay Na Lalake Di Nagpapatalo!
BOY1: “Tol, nakipagbreak sakin gf ko. Pinadala sakin yung video nila ng bagong bf nya na nasa motel sila.”
BOY2: “Ouch, sakit nyan tol! Ano ginawa mo?”
BOY1: “Pinadala ko sa tatay nya. Good luck na lang sa kanya!”

PEDRO: “I saved a girl from Rape, pare…”
JUAN: “Talaga? Wow! Nice! Galing! Eh pano mo nga pala nagawa yun pare?”
PEDRO: “Self-Control, pare! SELF-CONTROL!”

Nang mamatay si Juan, siya ay napunta sa impyerno. Nakita niyang maramimg naggandahang babae dun pero may problema. Kaya kinausap nya si Taning.
JUAN: “Mr. Taning, maraming magagandang babae rito pero wala clang butas. Bakit?”
TANING: “Pag may butas ang mga yan e di nasa langit ka na!”

May isang pilosopong bata naparoon sa isang palengke sa Batangas. Bago siya makarating sa wet section madadaanan muna ang dry goods section. Ani ng isang tindera, "Ano ang hanap nila?"
Sagot ng bata: “Yung nanay ko ho. Nakita nyo ga?”

Meron isang malaking katanungan ang bumabagabag sakin kagabi. Nagutom ako kaya nagpunta ako sa 7-11 para bumili ng kung ano mang makakain at natanong ko tuloy..
Bakit ang mga convenience stores kelangan pang maglagay ng padlock o lock sa kanilang mga pintuan? Diba open naman sila 24 hours? Para saan yung padlock?

Ano ang pinaka poging insekto?
Eh di IPIS..
Bakit?
Dahil dadaan palang ito eh tinitilian na ng mga babae..
Eh minsan nga pati mga lalaki tumitili!

An accountant  having a hard time sleeping goes to his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can’t sleep at night!"
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That’s the problem, I make mistake and then spend hours trying to find them."

If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport. You’ll get a free x-ray and breast exam; and if you mention Al Qaeda, you’ll get a free colonoscopy. So there!

Ex-gov Leviste kukunin daw ng GMA network para mag host ng bagong tv series. Ang planong title ay..
"Bilibid or not!"

Voted Best Investment Advice by "Investment Banking Guide" for 2011:
"MONEY IS LIKE A PENIS..
IF YOU DON’T PLAY WITH IT,
IT WON’T GROW."

An argument between a couple turns violent.
HUSBAND: (angry) “Do not let the animal in me come out!”
WIFE: “Who is scared of a mouse?”

Having a "WIFE" is a Part of Living…
.
.
.
But..
.
.
.
Having a "Girlfriend" along with a "Wife" is the ART of Living…

BOY: “Dry ng lips mo…”
GIRL: “Talaga?”
BOY: “Halika nga dito para di mag dry…”
GIRL: “Weh? Hahalikan mo lang ako eh…”
BOY: “Lalagyan ko ng lip gloss… Ambisyosang to!”

The most common sexual position in married couples today is Doggy Style.
The Husband sits and begs for pussy while the Wife rolls over and plays dead.

7 Kinds of Passionate Women
1. The Optimist – "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2. The Pessimist – "No! No! No!"
3. The Confused – "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4. The Asthmatic – written rendition of gasping
5. The Sprinter – "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6. The Religious – "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
7. The Mathematician – "More! More! More! More!"

APO: “Lolo, ang sweet mo kay Lola kahit matanda na kayo ang tawag mo sa kanya "sweetheart, babes, honey, loves…"
LOLO: “Quiet ka lang apo! Style lang yun… nakalimutan ko na kasi ang pangalan niya…”

Para malaman mo kung gusto ka ng taong MAHAL mo, kiss her/him.
pag tumagal,
gusto ka din nya.
pag hindi,
at least,
naka isa ka!

ERAP: “Ano nangyari kay Inday na tindera ng MANI?”
DODONG: “Binugbog ng asawa!”
ERAP: “Kawawa si Inday, isa pala siyang "PEANUT BATTERED WIFE"!!”

2 terrorists were making letter bombs. After they had finished. .
TERRORIST1: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope?”
TERRORIST2: “I don’t know! Open it and see.”
TERRORIST1: “But it will explode!”
TERRORIST2: “Don’t be stupid! The envelope is not addressed to us!”

A wife asked her husband to describe her. He said, "You’re A, B, C. D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She said, "Oh, that’s so lovely! What about… I, J, K?"
He said, "I’m Just Kidding!"

Former Gov. Schwarznegger had this little misunderstanding because German is his native language being an Austrian.
He told his wife Maria that their housekeeper wants a raise. Maria said, "Screw her!"
Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake.

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