Sunday Humor From Mike

The Peoples’ Republic of China owns the Spratlys.
Chinese businessmen ‘own’ Taal Lake.
And the Chinese drug lords ‘own’ the New Bilibid Prison.

GF: “Break na tayo! Ayoko na sayo. Nakakasawa ka! Buset!”
BF: “Ok. May bibigay muna ako sayo.”
GF: “Anu?”
BF: “Eto listahan ng mga gastos natin sa date simula nung naging tayo..”
BF: “Eto naman o, joke lang yun hon… alam mo namang mahal kita e. Love you!”

Dalawang lalake ang katatapos lang kumain…
Lalake1: “Pare, wala akong toothpick..”
Lalake2: “Ha? O eto, gamitin mo nalang muna ‘tong sakin.. balik mo ha?”

Mga lasinggero..
JUAN: “Tumba na si Tikyo, lasing na.”
PEDRO: “Ganyan talaga siya lagi. . .
kapag oras na ng bayaran!”

Si Juan ay walang paa at kamay.
JUAN: “pare, how do you touch a girl?”
KULAS: “A, eh…dilaan mo na lang!” 😛

Sa Lahat Ng Pwedeng Baguhin,
KATAMARAN Ang Pinaka Mahirap.
Nakaka-Tamad kaya! Try mo?

A BOTANY student has brought to our attention the FACT. A PENIS is the only thing that has to be GROWN before it is PLANTED in a hole!

A lady with hearing problem goes to confession. The priest asked her to tone down as everyone in the church could hear her. He suggested that she write down what she had to say in advance.
At her next confession, she handed a note to the priest. He read it and said, "What is this? It looks like a grocery list."
"Mother of God!"
she said. "I must have left my sins at the supermarket!"

Today’s Quote:
Ang tubig na tahimik ay malalim;
ang tubig na maingay, may Intsik na naghuhukay (sa Spratlys).

Gay guy takes off his clothes for an examination and the doc sees a nicotine patch at the end of his penis and says, "Hmmm, that’s interesting. Does it work?"
"Sure does. I haven’t had a butt in three weeks!"

Woman blamed her house keeper for the loss of her underwear in front of her husband.
Thd housekeeper turns to the woman’s husband and says, "Sir, you are my witness, you know I never wear panties."

Rules To Live By…
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Pick-up Line..
Girl: “Hoy, STALKER ka ba?”
Boy: “Hindi ah!”
Girl: “eh bat mo ko sinusundan?”
Boy: “wala lang, sabi kasi ng nanay ko "FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS"”

A 21st century kid to another: "I never want to have kids because they take nine months to download!"

A couple on a rural road in their SUV. The man reaches over, grabs her tits and says, "If that gave milk I would rid of the cows."
They go further down the road, he grabs between her legs and says, "If that lay eggs, I’d rid of the chickens."
Down the road, she grabs between the legs and says, "If that was bigger, I’d get rid of your kumpadre!"

Man: (worried) “My wife treats me as if I were a dog.”
Shrink: “Does she abuse you? Hit you? Starve you?”
Man: “No worse, she wants me to be faithful.”

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

A husband was engrossed in a ball game upset over his losing team when he heard his wife.
"What would you like to have for dinner, Love, Lamb, Chicken or Beef?"
Husband replied with gratefulness, "Honey, I would like to have chicken."
The wife snapped, "You’re having galunggong, I was talking to the cat!"

An old man went to a strip joint. He went home and told his wife, "Those young gals ain’t got nothing on you."
His wife asked why? He replied, "Not one of them could make their breasts reach their knees."

Some places in China eat dog meat. An elderly pair of Chinese came to N. Y. City on vacation. They went to a hot dog stand for lunch. The man while eating his hot dog looks to his wife, "dear, what part of the dog did you get?"

QUESTION: What’s the difference between HARD and DARK?
ANSWER: The difference: it stays dark all night!

A wife wanted to take flying lessons. Her husband told her it would be no problem, "Here’s 100 bucks. Go out and buy yourself a broom." And a fight erupted!

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