SMS Jokes 2011-215

"Habang pinapanood mong inumin ang kapeng may lason ng asawa mo, hindi ka man lang ba naawa sa kanya kahit isang beses?" tanong ng huwes sa babaeng nasasakdal.
"Naawa naman po," sagot ng babae.
"At kailan yon?"
"Nu’ng humingi sya ng isa pang tasa ng kape."

Lady returns from USA. During checking, customs officer finds dildo.
OFFICER: “Lady, are you married?”
LADY: (Smiling) “Yes.”
OFFICER: “Then why this?”
LADY: “My husband is my landline, this is my mobile.”

Si Pedro galing sa CR nang tinanong siya na janitor, "Nag flush ka ba?"
PEDRO: "Hindi ako nag plus, nag minus ako."

MAN: “I want to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in six months.”
Lawyer: “Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!”

Sarap mag-jakol..
M – make
A – a
G – great
J – joke
A – and
K – keep
O – on
L – laughing

Boss to secretary: “Please call my broker.”
Secretary: “Pawn or Stock?”

Wala Ka Bang Allowance Ngaung Pasukan?
Eto Kung Pano Magkaron:
Just Txt Penge Amount
At Isend Sa No. Ng Nanay Mo!
Maari Kang Manalo Ng Sermon Araw Araw
Sampal at Tadyak
Linggo Linggo
At Sa Grand Draw
Maari Kang Magkaroon Ng Bugbog Package Mula Sa Tatay Mo!
Kaya Ano Pang Hinihintay Mo! Text Na!
Per DTI No. 00000 Series of 2011

Hubby says to wife: "Wash your pants in Slim Fast to make your buns slimmer."
Next morning, he asks why there’s talcum powder in his briefs. Wife says: "It’s Miracle Grow!"

Tatlong Libangan Sa Buhay!
ALAK, SUGAL, BABAE..
.
.
.
ALAK: Alalahanin Lagi Ang Kapwa
SUGAL: Sa Umaga Gunitain Ang Lumikha
BABAE: Basahin Ang Bibliya at Ebanghelyo

Husband: “I’m not feeling well today.”
Wife: “Go and get yourself checked by a Vet.”
Husband: “Why is that?!”
Wife: “Day in and day out, you wake up early like a Cock. Run like a Horse to your job. Work like an Ass all day long. After you return home, you bark at me like a Dog, and then after 5 minutes sleep like a buffalo! Poor doctor of humans! How can he treat you?”

Pagbinugbog ka, maglalakad ka pa ng maayos,
pero pag nakaapak ka ng dumi,
-
-
-
-
-
mas pilay ka pang maglalakad.

A guy bought a new deodorant and followed the instructions, "remove cap, push up bottom."
He can barely walk now but when he farts the room smells lovely.

Girl: titig mo pa lang nabubuntis na ako.
Boy: (natuwa) talaga? bat mo naman nasabi yan?
Girl: nasusuka kasi ako.

Why is Facebook such a hit?
Simple, It works on the principle that..
People are more interested in others’ life than their own!

Do you know when a woman is getting old?
Simple really..
it’s when she takes off her bra, the wrinkles fall out of her face.

Ang isang relasy0n ay pinamumunuan ng isa BABAE..
kaya kapag nagulo ang relasyon nyo, bAbAe pa rin ang may kasalanan..
Take nOte: ISANG BABAE.

At a street corner inTokyo, three people each with a bullhorn were talking excitedly. A foreigner asked a policeman what the hubbub was all about. In typical Japanese mis-speak (pronouncing rs for ls), the officer said that it was Nationar Erection Week.

A pinoy cannibal went out to eat, he sat down & scanned d menu:

Adobong pulis: P250
Nilagang doktor: P170
Pritong guro: 120
Inihaw na politico 800
Nilagang AFP General: P1k
Customer: “Bakit mahal ang nilagang generaL?”
Owner: “Kasi, sa sobrang kapal ng mukha at balat, MATAGAL PAKULUAN!”

A couple were staying at a fancy hotel that had a large golf course. The wife played golf but the husband hated it and complained throughout her entire game.
At the end, he asks, "Why do you even like golf?"
She said, "It’s nice to have something long and hard in my hands for a change!"

Effects of Climate Change:
N0ON, pag maganda Ligawan Agad..
NGAY0N, pg maganda TitiGAn muna,bAka bakLa..

N0ON, koNti lng ang Lalaking gwapo..
NGAY0N, k0nting gwapo Na lang ang tunay na lalaki..

N0ON, pag gwap0 bAbaero..
NGAY0N, pati panget babaero na din, minsan ch0osy pa, kakapal ng mukha..

N0ON, hiNtaying bumilog aNg buwan bago msgpakasal..
NGAY0N, hintaying Bumilog ang tyan, bago pakasalan.

Two guys were out hunting near their vacation homes. One of them peered though his rifle’s scope and said, "I can see into your house and your wife is cheating on you."
The other guy said, "Shoot them both, her in the head and him in the private area."
"No problem," replied his friend. "I can get that in one shot."

Di lahat ng pagod ay galing sa trabaho..
Yung iba ay galing sa..
kuwarto!

:D sa mga mag-asawa at magsyota to.

Scotch is a wonderful drink..
One DOUBLE and it makes you feel SINGLE again!

Men understand men better.
Example:
MAN: “I want to buy a ladies watch.”
MALE SHOPKEEPER: “Is it for your wife? Or do you want to see a branded one?!”

All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

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