SMS Jokes 2011-218

GORIO: “Anong hayop ang nagsisimula sa letrang "X?"
JUAN:  “Meron ba yun?”
GORIO: “Meron.”
JUAN: “Eh, ano?”
GORIO: “X-wife ko! Hayop yun! Inubos ang pera ko!.”

“Hindi lang ang mga in love ang pwedeng kiligin…
…ang mga umiihi din.”

OLD MAN: “Doc, I’m so upset. I’ve lost one of my hearing aids. Those things cost a couple of thousand a piece.”
DOCTOR: “I think I know where you can find it. You’ve got a suppository in your ear.”

WIFE: “You have changed after our marriage.”
HUSBAND: “I told you before our marriage that I’m not interested in married women!”

QUESTION: Why is a blow job a win/lose situation?
ANSWER: You may have her on her knees but she has you by the balls!

A man’s testicles manufactures ten million sperm cells each day… enough to repopulate the earth in only six months! NAMAN!

B – Breast
R – Raising
A – Apparatus

B – Bird
R – Resting
I – Its
E – Eggs
F – For
S – Safety

C – Catcher
O – Of
N – Nutritious
D – Drops
O – Of
M – Men

A woman asks her doctor, "How many calories are in a cum?"
Doctor said, "Honey, if you swallow, nobody cares if your fat!"

New AIDS awareness slogan:
"Try different positions with the same woman instead of the same position with different women."

A girl came home with her hair messed up. Her father asks, "Where have you been?"
She says, "On a picnic."
To which he remarks, "I suppose that’s mayonnaise running down your legs."

TANONG: Anong similarity ng sperm at mayonnaise?
SAGOT: Pareho silang galing itlog at parehong ladies’ choice.

Health Secretary:
"Mr. Congressman, the population growth rate of our country is very alarming. There is one woman giving birth every thirty minutes."
Rep Manny Pacquiao: “We have to stop this very critical problem right away…

An old man was dying. He made his wife promised to bury all his money with him. When he died, a friend of the widow asked her if she carried out his wishes. She said she did……. "I wrote him a check."

Once Sen. Lapid walks into the store and asked the clerk, "May I buy this nice TV?"
Sales lady said, "Senator, that’s not a TV, it’s a microwave oven."

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn’t bother her much till one day when her husband called her from the hall, "Hon, what happened to the dust on the table. I had a phone number written on it."

At a lion’s wedding, a mouse greeted d groom, "All the best, Brother! Gud luck! Haha!"
The lion got angry, "How dare you call me, brother! Me, a lion and u, a mouse?"
D mouse whispered: "I was also a lion before I got married!"

Sa isang simbahan…
MAGNANAKAW: “Pader, patawarin nyo po ako sa aking kasalanan.”
PARI: “Ano ung kasalanan mo anak?”
MAGNANAKAW: “Nag nakaw po ako 15 na pares ng sapatos.”
PARI: “Aba eh malaking kasalanan yan… pero mapapatawad ka ng Diyos.”
MAGNANAKAW: “Ganun po ba… salamat po pader.”
PARI: “Yun nga lang sa isang kundisyon.”
MAGNANAKAW: “Ano un pader?”
PARI: “May size 8 ka ba jan…”

A group of men were sent off to a war. Their wives and girlfriends and families and friends were all waving good bye, exchanging hugs and kisses. The wife of one of them yelled, "You go Big Daddy, if you beat them like you beat me, the war will be over in no time!"

A guy’s mom-in-law came in and said, "Here’s the broom you asked for."
"That was fast,"
he said, "Is that a new model?"

An elderly couple sat through a porn movie 2x. They didn’t leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
"You folks must’ve enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting," said old lady. "It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" usher asked.
"We had to wait till you turned on the lights," old lady replied. "We couldn’t find my panties, and his teeth was in them!"

Dracula asks God, "May I reincarnate into a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"
God said, "OK, I’ll turn you into a KOTEX!"


** ALL of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE

KANO:From rags to riches!
BRITON:From poverty to affluence!
ARABO:From camel to mercedes!
JUAN:From snatching to kidnapping!

JUAN:"Pare nahihiya ako n makita ang babae na nakatayo habang tayo, nakaupo! MAX:"Ano ggawin natin?"
JUAN:"Pikit tayo para di natin makita!"

TONYO:"Araw-araw ako sinasabihan sa bahay na TAMAD kaya araw-araw din akong nagpaplanong maglayas!"
ANTON:"Bakit di natutuloy?"
TONYO:"Tinatamad ako!"

Matapos ang dinner sa isang resto…
ITALIAN:Deliziosa Cena!
FRENCH:Delicieux Diner!
AMERICAN:Such a delicious dinner!
PINOY:Pakibalot ito!

Mga simple things na wala pang umimbento (baka gusto mong i-try):
1.Solar-powered na flashlight
2.Water-proof na tuwalya
3.Powdered na tubig

PASYENTE:"Dok pag umiinom ako ng kape, parang may nakatusok sa mukha ko! Ano kaya sakit ko?"
DOC:"Wala! tanggalin mo lang yung kutsara bago ka uminom!"


PEDRO:"Lola ko 85 na, itim pa buhok!"
ANDRES:"Lola ko 90, tumutubo pa ipen!"
JUAN:"Lola ko 95, nasa ospital!"
ANDRES:"Mamamatay na?"
JUAN:"Hindi, nanganak!"

JOSE:"Ang tapang talaga ni Pedro, lumaban sa apat na holdaper na armado na kamao lang ang ginamit!"
NARDO:"Saan mo nabalitaan?"
JOSE:"Sa burol nya!"

TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa tao na madumi tenga nya na di sya masasaktan?
SAGOT:"Wow ganda ng headset mo, wireless! Di halata, parang tutuli lang!"

ANAK:"Nay, tinuruan po kami ni teacher na magsulat kanina!"
NANAY:"Talaga? ano isinulat nyo?"
ANAK:"Ewan ko po! Di pa po kami tinuruang magbasa eh!"

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