SMS Jokes 2011-221

Panget vs. Maganda
Pag girlfriend mo PANGET: pwede na yan sa McDo, Jollibee o kaya Ling Nam
Pag MAGANDA: dapat SOFITEL, Shangri-la, o Mandarin
Pag PANGET: ok na kahit di ka masyadong mag-dress up
Pag MAGANDA: kelangan japorms ka lagi
Pag PANGET: "wife material"…in other words, free katulong in the future
Pag MAGANDA: "girlfriend material"… prinsesa in short
Pag PANGET: wala kang ka-agaw
Pag MAGANDA: lahat kaagaw mo kaya bakuran mo

BOSS TO SECRETARY: “Di ba ang sabi ko sa yo ang speech na gawin mo 10 mins lang? Bakit 20 mins to?
SEC: 10 mins yan Sir, kasi pati duplicate binasa mo.”

Sa Isang Jeep:
May LaLaki at babae na magkasakay.  Di aLam ng LaLaki na bukas ang ZiPPER nya pa-formal na sinabi ni babae:
"Sir bukas po ang zi.. City Hall nyo." Pa-simpleng isinara ng lalaki zipper nya at sinabi:
"Eh, ineng, nakita mo bang dumungaw si Mayor?"
BABAE:"Hindi po… Pero lumabas po yung 2 matandang konsehal."

The best kiss?
Ay yung tip0ng hindi mu gust0ng huminto ngunit kailangan…
dahil kailangan mung..

PSCO Scandal Sidehow..
The word war between PCSO chair Marge Juico and former PCSO chair Manoling Morato is getting personal. Manoling accused Margie of "charging even her sanitary napkins to PCSO." In fairness to Manoling, he uses his own money to buy one.

Bishops deny getting Nissan Safari SUV; kasi yun ay para "Sa pari" lang. They prefer Pajero & Montero SUVs, or even Strada pick-up made by (& for?)" Mitshubishop"!

Ang tunay na KAIBIGAN,
hndi ka hahayaang gumawa ng kalokohan, kabulastugan at iba pang bagay… hindi sila kasama!

China Breaking News:
A Chinese General evaluated the Philippine armed forces firepower in the event the 2 countries goes into war against each other.
The general accepted the fact that many chinese soldiers will die……..

Why are clams like women?
A) The same appearance at the bottom.
B) Juicy.
C) Spread when hot.
D) When the red tide comes, you don’t eat them!

Things You Ought To Know
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (Hmm, in my next life, I want to be a pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don’t try at home… maybe at work.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (hmmm…..)
Right-handed people live, on average, 9 years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life… quality over quantity.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?!)

A man convicted of a serious crime was served with death penalty.
He asks for clemency from judge.
Judge tells him:
"You committed a serious crime! The only thing I can grant you is to choose how you want to die."
He answers immediately:
"Then I choose to die of old age!"

Have you realized that doing laundry is a part of the Original Sin?
If Eve hadn’t bitten that darn apple, there would be no clothes to wash.

Shrink tells a patient, "I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re a kleptomaniac."
The patient taken aback asks, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

A fat guy told his skinny pal during an argument, "When you see me walking down the street, get on the other side."
The skinny guy said, "When you walk down the street, there ain’t no other side."

PEDRO: “When my wife is angry, she starts shouting at me, my children and even our dogs and nobody dares answer her.”
JUAN: “and when you’re angry, what do you do?”
PEDRO: “I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and nobody dares to answer back!”

Did you see the newspapers today, the story of a baby boy born without eyelids. It told of how the doctors decided to use baby’s foreskin to make him some eyelids. The parents were overly concerned but the docs assured them he would be alright, but he might be a little COCK-eyed!

Drinking wine doesn’t make you fat.
The only thing if you drink way too much it makes you lean..
against tables, chairs, floors, walls and the ugliest people.

**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE


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