SMS Jokes 2011-223

Text ni Misis kay Mister:“Honey napanood ko sa news na may nasalvage na pandak, panot at ubod ng pangit na lalaki. Text back kung buhay ka pa.”

TANONG: Paano papalakasin ang loob ng taong nadapa at nasubsob ang mukha sa semento?
SAGOT:Buti naitukod mo ang mukha mo, kundi gasgas ang tuhod mo!

Lasing si Mister, may uwing pusa kay Misis.
Mister: "Narito ang unggoy galing sa gubat!"
Misis: "Anong unggoy? e pusa yan!"
Mister: "Shh! Yung pusa kausap ko!"

TEKLA: "Juan, tell me honestly, am I pretty or ugly?"
JUAN: "Both!"
TEKLA: "Bakit both? depende sa titingin?"
JUAN: "Honestly, you’re pretty ugly!"

ANAK: "Nay d ba pag naglalaro po ako sa sala, lagi kayong nag-aalala na mabasag ko yung TV?"
INAY: "Oo bakit?"
ANAK: "Tapos na po ang inyong pag-aalala!"

INAY: "Anak, may babagsak daw na giant meteor na kayang palubugin ang Pilipinas! Alam mo ba ibig sabihin nun?"
ANAK: "Wala pong pasok bukas? Yey!"

LOLO: “Doc, I think am going blind. When I do sex, I put in 1 inch & my vision is blurred.”
DR: “What else?”
LOLO:When I put in 2 inches, I cant hardly see. Then,if I put it all in, I’m totally blind.
DR: ?”Let me see your penis.”
LOLO: “Doc, I’m talking about my tongue!”

  •  

"FUCK" is the only word which can be used to express many feelings:

1. REVENGE – Fuck you!
2. REQUEST – Please, fuck off!
3. FAILURE – I’m fucked!
4. ANXIETY – What the fuck is happening?
5. ANGER – Get the fuck out of here!
6. CURIOUS – How the fuck did you do that?
7. PRIDE – I’m a fucking genius!
8. SADNESS – Why the fuck does this happen to me?

A wife was having a problem remembering things. She asked her husband, "You won’t leave me if I get Alzheimer’s will you?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, if I do, you won’t remember."

World’s Shortest Joke:
Two women sit together…
QUIETLY!

MGA URI NG LAKAD PRESIDENTE:
Lakad Sundalo – FIDEL RAMOS
Lakad Bata – GLORIA ARROYO
Lakad Siga – ERAP ESTRADA
Lakad Bagong Tuli – NOYNOY AQUINO.

Traffic Advisory:
Drive carefully!
90% of the people on the road are caused by accident.

A young lady came into a very large sum of money and asked her dad if he would go to Europe with her. And he did and she bought a lot of expensive jewelry, but on the flight home they were hijacked. After the plane landed, her dad saw her wiping her jewelries off and putting it back on, her dad ask her where she hid them.
She said she pulled her panties aside and hid them inside her.
Her dad said it was a pity that her mom wasn’t there…
they could have saved the luggage too!

A man went to see his new doctor, and found she is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous. He was embarrassed, but she said, "Don’t worry, I’m a PRO.. I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can."
He said, "I think my penis tastes funny…"

A Queen was disappointed by the King on their wedding night.
She thought that all rulers have twelve inches!

Man has 8 kids and wife is pregnant again. In panic he goes to doctor. "Help me! What should I do?" Doc says, "Don’t you know? Come outside!"
Time passed, the guy comes happy to the doc. "Thank you, doc! Nice advice! But I have a question. Can I come at least in the bathroom? It’s cold outside.."

Define CHECKMATE…
When you tell your wife that you saw a lady on the street who looked exactly like her..
and your wife asks, "Was she hot?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
You can’t say NO, neither can you say YES.
CHECKMATE! :

For years, MEN and WOMEN have argued over which is more painful?
Being kicked in the Balls or giving Birth!
Put it this day..
After a couple’s first child, a Woman will usually say, "Let’s have a baby again!"
But show me a Single man on this earth who will say…
"OK.. KICK MY BALLS AGAIN!" 😀

3 lola sa panahon ngayon:
Lola1: Aw, ang sakit naman nang likod ko dahil sa practice ng Street Dancing, Cramping naman bago yung steps.
Lola2: Ako nga sakit ng mata ko kaka-Crossfire.
Lola3: Ayus pa ung sa inyo ah, ako nga e, Sakit ng Hita ko sa Paddle ng Sorority namin!

Man1: I hadn’t had sex for a while.
Man2: You won’t forget it, because sex is like riding a bicycle.
Man1: I know it’s been a while but I don’t remember pedaling… :-

Two men talking in a bar.
"How’s married life?" asks the first.
"It’s fine," says the second.
"How’s the sex?" asks the first.
"Fine," says the second. "At least I don’t have to wait in line!":-)

 

** Courtesy of MIKE!

 

 

oOo

"Pag may nakita kayong crush nyo, sabuyan nyo muna ng asin. Pag nagkaroon ng kaliskis, SIRENA yun!" – EJ Jallorina, MANAY PO 2: Overload (2008)

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