Courtesy of MIKE
by: GMA & FG
(with apologies to F. Sinatra)
And now, my end is near and so
I face the nation’s judgment.
My friends, I say it clear, I have my case and it’s impending.
I’ve lived a lie that’s full and gained from deals from every high way.
0h yes, I stole a lot and did it my way.
Secrets, I had a few, two leaky boobs of false dimension.
I did what I had to do, Garci saw it thru without exemption.
To think I did all that and may I say not in a shy way.
O yes, I screwed you all and did it my way!
Kinanta mo, noh? Aminin!
Si Tikyo nag text sa kanyang parents:
"Hello Pa, Ma. Sorry i keep on asking for money from you. I am so ashamed but i really need P1000. I wanted to cancel this txt msg & I prayed to God that I will not send it anymore but it’s too late."
A few hours later, naka receive sya ng reply from his father:
"Your prayers were answered. We did not receive your message."
JUAN:"DOk, tulungan nyo ko sa problema ko, di ko maalala ang mga sinasabi ko!" DOK:"Kelan pa nagsimula ang problemang ito?"
GURO:"Class, ako ang magiging adviser ninyo sa taong ito. Sino sa inyo ang nakakaalam ng name ko?"
ESTUDYANTE: "Mam, first day pa lang po, quiz agad?"
Lasing, na-curfew si Andoy.
PULIS:"Saan ka pupunta sa ganitong oras ng gabi?"
ANDOY:"Makikinig po ng sermon!"
ANDOY:"Sa mrs ko po!"
LOLO:iho malalim ba ang ilog na to?
LOLO:(tumawid at muntik malunod) "Sabi mo hindi malalim?"
BATA:"Nakatawid po kasi yung bibe!"
Who both Who bad…
Hubo’t hubad. hahaha!
A new convict arrives in prison & is met by the WARDEN who says: Don’t worry. This place is fun with something to do everyday! You like tennis?
GUY: Well yeah.
WARDEN: Monday’s tennis day. You’ll love Mondays. You like poker?
WARDEN: Tuesday is poker day, you’ll love Tuesdays. You like SEX?
GUY: Oh yes, that’ the best!
WARDEN: You straight or gay?
GUY: I’m straight.
WARDEN: Then you will HATE Wednesdays!
Me and My Boss
When I don’t do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn’t do it, he’s busy.
When I please my boss, I am ass licking.
When my boss pleases his boss, he’s cooperating.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative.
When I make a mistake, I’m an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When I do good, my boss forgets.
When I do wrong, he remembers.
A guy with a large bump on his forehead goes to doctor. The doc thinks it’s cancerous. After 2 weeks the man returns for the result.
"There’s good news and bad news," begins the doctor. "It’s not cancer. Unfortunately, you seem to be growing a penis on your forehead."
"Oh, no!" said the man exclaims. "I’ll be ridiculed! How will I even look myself in the mirror?"
"Well," says the doc, "I wouldn’t worry too much about that. The balls will probably cover your eyes!"
An old lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother. "Is there anything breakable in here?" the postal clerk asked.
The old lady was confused and replied, "The 10 Commandments?"
A mom thought her 10 year old girl should have something practical for her birthday. So the mom took her daughter to the bank to open an account. The daughter was delighted and she was doing fine filling out the application form until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she wrote, "Piggy."
QUESTION: Why is it bad being a penis?
ANSWER: Because it’s forced to hang around two nuts!
Pinay is sitting next to a Kana businesswoman on an airplane. After a few awkward moments, Pinay says, "Where you from?"
Kana, irritated, replies, "A place where people speak proper English."
After a pause, Pinay replies, "So where are you from, Bitch?"
A couple on honeymoon. Start having sex. Woman ah, oooh, ahhh. Husband OOOOh, oh my gosh. Aaaaaaaaaa.
In the morning, wife says to the husband, "Love, I enjoyed the real sex of my life last night but can I ask you why were you shouting."
Husband replies, "My testicles were stuck."
After the Mitsubishops scandal, a new formula to Confession is being proposed by the CBCP…
"Forgive me, Father, for I have lapsed in my judgment."
Two cannibals sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast," one of them said.
"Thank you," his friend said, "I will miss her."
If wife wants to get hubby’s attention, she must look sad and uncomfortable,
if a hubby wants to get his wife’s attention,
he must look comfortable and happy.
A girlfriend asked her beau, "Do you want to get married?"
SHE: “Great, when?”
HE: “Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl.”
QUESTION: Why Do Men Wear Underwear?
ANSWER: A1957 law states that ALL types of missiles should be hidden DURING peace time.
JUNA: "Pare, balita ko under ka Daw kay MISIS?"
PEDRO: "Pare hindi ah!"
JUAN: "Paano pag pinaglaba ka ng misis mo ngayon?"
PEDRO: "HIWALAY AGAD!"
JUAN: "Ganung kadali? Pare ang lupit mo!"
PEDRO: "Oo nman! HIWALAY AGAD ANG PUTI SA DI KOLOR!"