SMS Jokes 2011-230

**Courtesy of MIKE

REPORTER: “Ano po ba ang nangyari?”
IMBESTIGADOR: “Ninakawan ang ofis ni Cong. Curacot.”
REPORTER: “Malaki siguro ang natangay. Ngayon ko lang nakitang nagalit nang ganyan si Congressman.”
IMBESTIGADOR: “Maliit lang. Pero talagang ganyan ang buhay. Ang magnanakaw, galit sa kapwa Congressman!”

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SIR: "Yaya, sobrang init nitong kape, ilagay mo naman sa platito."
Kumuha ng platito, ibinuhos ang kape sa platito.
YAYA: "Sir, eto na po ang kape! Refil na lang po pag ubos na ang nasa platito. Dahan-dahan lang po inom, baka mabuhusan po kayo."

Yaya was asked where the Netherlands is located. She answered, "Di ba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?"

On Migz resignation…
JUAN PONCE ENRILE: "An unselfish act…"
Ed ANGARA: "A brave decision that will change the course of politics.."
LITO LAPID: "Bakit siya nag-resign? Puwede namang mag-absent!"

A pretty young woman was rolled into emergency room & found to have acute appendicitis. She was prepared for surgery & clothes were taken off. Doctor noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green & above it was a tattoo that read: "KEEP OFF THE GRASS".
When surgery was completed, Doctor wrote a note on her dressing: "SORRY.. HAD TO INJECT FERTILIZER & MOW THE LAWN!”

Theologians believed that laundry is a part of the original sin…
If Eve hadn’t bitten that darned apple, there would be no clothes to wash.

What’s the difference between ‘Like’ & ‘Love?’
The guy says, ‘I would Like to screw you.’
She says, ‘I would Love you, too.’

A woman and her young daughter were on a street when the young girl noticed two dogs. She asked, "Mama, what are those two dogs doing?"
Mom looked and replied, "Honey, the one in front is sick, and the one in the back is pushing her to the hospital!"

BF: “Sweet, i’ll call your private part "PRISON", mine the "PRISONER". What we will do is put the prisoner in the prison, ok?

They made love for 1st time, afterwards BF smiles, GF giggles & said shyly, "swit, the prisoner escaped!" habulin mo at ipasok mo ulit!”

Sign at the back of a septic tank truck
"CAUTION:
This truck is full of political promises!"

A doc and his friend played golf for a hobby. When the friend asked him how his golf was, the doctor said, "It’s like masturbation. I derive much pleasure and personal satisfaction from it but don’t want anyone to watch.

"How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it’s the air freshener hanging from a mirror!

There was an old lady who got a house and named it BUTT. Then she got a cat and named it CRACK.
One day, she lost her cat and told her friends, "I looked all over my Butt but I couldn’t find my Crack!"

Sam’s father was watching porn and said, "What poor girls! Can’t even afford proper dresses!" Sam replies, "If you see poorer girls, call me."

A man was dumbfounded to read his obit in a newspaper. He quickly phoned his best friend. "Did you see the papers?" asked the man. "They say I died!"
"Yes, I saw it!"
replied the friend. "Where are you calling from?"

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HUSBAND: “What are you doing, dear?”
WIFE: “I am dying.”
HUSBAND: (jumps for joy) “Oh, dear, how will I live without you?”
WIFE: “Idiot, I am dying my hair!”

Most men have come to the conclusion that GOOGLE must be a FEMALE, as she has the answer to everything!!!

 

oOo

LOL!

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