Saturday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

Flash REPORT!
GMA inoperahan ulit. Nadiskubre na 2nd hand din pala ang titanium implant sinuplay ni MIKE ARROYO!

ANAK: "Tay, yun bf ni ate my bariL na daLa kanina."
TATAY: "TaLaga? Nakita mo ba?"
ANAK: "Hndi po, pero nadinig ko sabi ni ate "sa Labas mo iput0k, huwag mo ipuput0k s Lo0b."

Holdaper conversation:
Holdaper: Holdap ‘to!
GIRL: "And so?! Wala naman nagtatanong."
HOLDAPER: "Holdap nga ‘to!"
GIRL: "Kelangan mo ba ipagsigawan? PROUD?"
HOLDAPER: "Holdap nga eh! Holdap nga! Holdap!"
GIRL: "Paulit ulit? Unli tayo?"
HOLDAPER: "Pag di ka tumigil, papatayin kita!"
GIRL: "Weh? Holdap naging patayan? Ano ‘to, 2 in 1?"
HOLDAPER: "Makaalis na nga!"
GIRL: "Ay, walkout? Best actor ka teh!"

Inday is feeding Junjun..
INDAY: "Junjun, chew your mouth!"

Advisory for Men:
"Don’t let aging get you down, it’s hard to get back UP!"

Boobs are for looking at and that why we, men, do it…
Don’t try to change that!

A girl is picked up by D. Rodman in a bar. They like each other & she goes back with him to his hotel room. He remove his shirt revealing all his tattoos & she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that’s a bit odd & ask him about it. Dennis says, When I play basketball, the camera pick up the tattoo & Reebok pay me for ad. A bit later, his pants are off & she sees       "Puma" tattoo on his leg. He give the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, The underwear comes off & sees the word  "AIDS " tattoo on his penis. She jumps back  with shock. I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS! He says, It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going t say "ADIDAS "

A bishop discovered a tribe of aborigines who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. He soon rectified the situation by performing baptisms, confirmations and weddings.
Later, the tribal chief told the bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The asked which part they enjoyed the most.
"The weddings," the chief said smiling. "We all got new wives!"

Chinese Employee: Sir, we got huge order from U. S. A. for 12-inch condoms. I think it is meant to embarrass us!
Chinese Boss: No problem… just complete the order and mark them size "SMALL!"

Hearing a department store clerk address the lady as "Ma’am," a 4-year girl asked what that meant.
"Ma’am is short for madam," her mom said, "a polite way to address a woman."
The girl asked what name Dad would be called. "Sir," her mom answered.
"Sir…" she thought for a moment, "that must be short for servant."

60 year old lady walking on street when she heard a voice above, "you will live to be 100." She looked around but didn’t see anyone. Again she heard, "you will live to be 100." She thought to herself that it must be God’s voice, and said, "I’ve got 40 more years to live."

Off she goes to the cosmetic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the doctor’s clinic, she got hit by a bus, died, and went to heaven.

She told God, "You said I’ll live to be 100. So how come you let the bus kill me?"

God replied, "I didn’t recognize you."

An American golfer goes to Italy for a tournament. At the Rome airport, he bumped into an Italian luggage handler.
GOLFER: "Excuse me, I’m an American golfer and I’m looking for the golf course."
ITALIAN: "Golf? What’s daat?"
GOLFER: "Golf… it’s where to take the club putt the ball into a hole, make a score and win lots of money."
ITALIAN: "maybe you gotta wrong country."
GOLFER: "You guys don’t play golf here?"
ITALIAN: "Sure we play da golf here… da wan we playa… is you put da club inside da hole.. and da ball stay on the outside."

Revised Edition
The man discovered WEAPONS & invented HUNTING. The woman discovered HUNTING & invented FURS.
He discovered the COLORS & invented PAINT. She discovered PAINT & invented MAKEUP.
He discovered WORD and invented CONVERSATION. She discovered CONVERSATION & invented GOSSIP.
He discovered GAMBLING & invented CARDS. She discovered CARDS & invented WITCHCRAFT.
He discovered FRIENDSHIP & invented LOVE. She discovered LOVE & invented MARRIAGE.
He discovered WOMEN & invented SEX. She discovered SEX & invented HEADACHE.
He discovered TRADING & invented MONEY. She discovered MONEY & that’s when it got all mixed up!

BOY: "sana iPhone na lang ako."
GIRL: "Bakit?"
BOY: "para nilalaro mo rin ANGRYBiRD ko.."

Men’s Favorite Sport at various ages:
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
58 Sex
68 Napping

"Price Tag" (Pacman version)
ang pangalan ko ay Manny, Manny, Manny.

ang dami ko ng money, money, money.
tinalo ko c Mosley saya saya ng Jinky.
ang dami ko ng chaching chaching,
ang dami ko pang babling babling,
ang yaman na ni Freddie,
may pang ballrum ng si Mom 😀 kinanta mo?

Sinalubong ni San Pedro si  Fr. Juan sa langit : "Welcome !"  Kinabukasan, si Tiago, a reckless bus driver, ang sinalubong ni San Pedro. Masayang Tumugtog ang banda ng angels.   
FATHER JUAN: "San Pedro, bakit po kyo lang ang sumalubong sa akin. Si Tiago ay sinalubong pa ng angel band ninyo."
SAN PEDRO:  "Kasi pag nag mimisa ka, ang lahat ng tao ay natutulog. Si Tiago, pag nagmamaneho, ang lahat ay nag-rorosario."

  •  

"you look so..
when you’re playing jumping rope.
diba?!
YOU LOOK SO.
Taas pa nga ng LOOK SO mo eh…

Senior students at a high school were required to take a CPR course. The classes used a legless (for storage in a carrying case) mannequin victim.

A class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She says she can’t feel her legs.”

A Sunday school teacher was talking to the class about Adam and Eve in Eden. She told the class to make draw a drawing of what they heard.
One boy sketched a car with one person in front and two in back. When asked what it had to do with the story, the boy said, "It’s God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden."

Priest was discussing with an old lady a relative of hers who had seen the light and joined the church after a lifetime of raucous living. "Will my converted cousin’s sins be forgiven, Father?" she asked.
"Oh, certainly, yes! Remember, the greater the sins, the greater the saint."
The woman thought silently for a time, then said, "Oh, Father, I wish I’d known that 50 years ago."

Boy catches mom riding dad. Mom says she’s trying to flatten dad’s belly.
Boy says it’s no use, the house maid gets on her knees and blows it back up again!

A busybody visited her bachelor neighbor & said, "You’re 55 years old & have never been married. I have a lovely cousin your age. Say the word & I’ll introduce you to her."
"Don’t bother,"
he said. "I have 2 sisters who look after all my needs."
Busybody replied, "That’s all well & good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
He said, "I said 2 sisters. I didn’t say they were my sisters."

A homeowner files a robbery report at police station and declares that the house has been burglarized by gays. When asked by an officer how the owner know, he said, "I discovered that my jewelry was missing and all my furniture elegantly rearranged."

Good News?
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to kneel first!

 

oOo

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”- Bill Cosby

 

One thought on “Saturday Humor

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.