**Courtesy of MIKE
GIRL: "Ang kati ng mata ko."
BOY: "Ah alam mo ibig sabihin nyan, may gusto makakita sau.."
GIRL: "Ang kati ng kamay ko."
BOY: "Eh di may gustong makipag holding hands sau.."
GIRL: "Ang kati ng labi ko.."
BOY: "Ah, may gusto humalik sau.."
GIRL: "Kati mg katawan ko."
BOY: "Hoy babae! Wag kang ambisyosa! GALIS lang yan! Eto zonrox at muriatic, hala maligo ka!"
The wife came home late at night and says to her husband, "Woohoo… I know something you don’t."
"Oh yeah, what is it, sweetie?" the husband inquired.
"What it’s like to have a big cock." she replied.
A boy on a date with a girl in a BMW..
BOY: "Sweetheart, I hid something from you."
BOY: "I am already married.." :/
GIRL: "Oh! You scared me. I thought this BMW isn’t yours."
When problems seem unbearable and solutions are too elusive.
Never try to give up on life.
Hindi mo alam, grabe ang struggle ng sperm ma-reach lang ang egg para mabuhay ka!
ANAK: "Ma, pwede po pahingi ng barya?"
NANAY: "Bakit anak?"
ANAK: "Ibibigay ko lang po doon sa matanda."
NANAY: "Wow! Ang bait naman ng anak ko. Nasaan ba ung matanda?"
ANAK: "’yon po oh! Nagbebenta ng ice cream!"
Steps To Express Joy and Happiness..
Step 1 – Sumakay sa BUS..
Step 2 – Dumungaw sa bintana..
Step 3 – Ikaway-kaway ang kamay at sumigaw ng..
"Hello! AKO BUDOY!"
During a war, enemy soldiers captured three. women and say as revenge they’ll rape all of them.
Young girl requested, "Please spare the old lady."
Old Lady: "Shut up! War is War!"
QUESTION: What do "smoking cigarettes" & "eating pussy" have in common?
ANSWER: The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt..
When a woman says, "WHAT?", it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
DOCTOR: "Sorry, lab results got mixed up. We don’t know if your wife has AIDS or asthma."
HUSBAND: "What should I do?"
DOCTOR: "Send her out jogging, if she returns, don’t sleep with her!"
Sabi ng kaibigan ko, sibuyas lang daw ang gulay na nakakapagpaiyak sa tao.
Binato ko siya ng kalabasa sa mukha.
Wari ko’y nagbago ang pananaw niya!
Misis binato ng iPad si Mister..
MISTER: "Oh! Bakit mo naman binato? Ayan nasira tuloy!"
Misis: "Bwuset eh! Mabuti pa yang iPad mo.. panay ang hipo mo.. samantalang ako kahit kalabit lang… wala!"
TEACHER: "In order to stop the spread of dengue, we have to take steps to stop the growth of mosquitoes."
BOY: "Impossible, ma’am."
TEACHER: "How come?"
BOY: "Well, who’s gonna make such little condoms?"
BOY: "I sent love letters to my girlfriend everyday for three years."
BOY: "She married the mailman!"
If you have One Wife, She fights with you.
If you have Two Wives, They fight FOR you.
See the Difference?
Long ago, a couple were madly in love. They wanted to marry but their parents don’t approve. So they decided to commit suicide together and planned to jump from a cliff.
The man could not bear to see his sweetheart die. He convinced her that he will jumped first and he did.
The lady never jumped, and thereafter all men decided "LADIES FIRST."
GURO:"Class, bakit kapag nag-oopera ang mga doktor, nagsusuot sila ng gloves?"
JUAN: "Mam, para po pag namatay ang pasyente, walang fingerprints!"
DAUGHTER: "I’m love with my neighbor, so I’m running away with him.."
DAD: "Thanks dear, you save my money and time."
DAUGHTER: "Dad, I’m reading this letter left by Mum!"
Everyone pisses on the floor.
Be a hero and shit on the ceiling!
If a couple in love is called love birds..
then a couple who’vd fought with each other will be called ANGRY BIRDS?
Chicks: "Darling, pakishave mo naman ang iyong bigote."
JOE: "Di pwede, magagalit si Mrs.."
Chicks: "Sige na, please, di ka makakagamit, sige ka!"
JOE: "Sige na nga, pero,ikaw ang magshave ha."
(pag-uwi ni Joe sa bahay, madilim na at tinabihan ang nakahigang Mrs. Hinimas ang bigote ni Joe, wala na.)
MRS: "Oy Carding, bakit ka nandito, alam mo naman na darating na si Joe!"
‘JOKE: Sa barber shop…
LALAKI: "Magkano po ang gupit?"
BARBERO: "50 lang po."
LALAKI: "Magkano naman ang ahit? "
BARBERO: "25 po."
LALAKI: "Sige, ahitan mo angbuhok ko!’"
A plumber screwing his client when her husband arrives. The husband beats him out but he manages to escape and runs home naked. Plumber said to his wife, "Babe, they robbed everything!"
She replies, "It seems they were kind enough to give you a condom to put on after they took your clothes."
A little boy to a pregnant lady in a park, "This time it’s going to be a boy, I bet on it…"
The embarrassed lady asks, "How did you know that?"
The boy replies, "I can see his mustache from your unzipped pants."
GWAPO: "Hey miss? May boyfriend ka ba?"
GIRL: (kinilig, nag blush) "Hmm, wala. Bakit?"
GWAPO: "Hahaha, buti pa ako meron."
During an exam, the biology professor asked his class to draw the female reproductive organ. As the exam was underway, a girl looked between her legs. A boy saw her and shouted, "Sir, she’s cheating!"
Scientists have discovered that OWLS have the sharpest ears in the world…
Clearly, they have never observed a man watching porn while his wife is asleep.
LASING:"Sinong siga dito? Lumabas!"
MATON:"Ako! Bakit, kakasa ka?"
LASING:"Bosing, pakihatid mo naman ako sa bahay namin. Baka mapag-tripan ako!"
Definition of Holiday:
It is a day
when a man stops doing
what his boss wants..
what his WIFE or GIRLFRIEND
NOON: "Nanay:Anak, pumasok ka na sa loob, baka kunin ka ng bumbay!"
NGAYON: "Anak:Nay, magtago na kayo sa loob, naniningil na si bumbay!"
WIFE: "Babe, pagnawala ako, iiyak ka ba?"
HUSBAAND: "Oo naman…mapipigilan ko ba ang TEARS OF JOY?"
Women’s dresses these days,
Less from here,
Less from there.
And if a guy is caught staring at such dresses.
Then he is termed as CHARACTERLESS.
BOY: "Miss kamukha mo si PAULEEN."
GIRL: "PAULEEN LUNA?"
BOY: "Hindi , PAULEENARIO MABINI."
GUY: "I would die for you."
GIRL: "Prove it!"
"Ang Diyos minsan, nilalayo sa atin ang ibang tao para protektahan tayo. Kaya minsan mas mabuting hindi na natin sila habulin."