SMS Jokes 2011-254

**Courtesy of Mike

Tinatamad ka bang bumisita sa iyong mga loved ones sa sementeryo?
Text DALAW at i-send sa 2-666. 
Sila mismo ang dadalaw sa iyo.
Choices are:
1) nakasilip sa bintana
2) nakatingin sa iyo habang natutulog ka
3) nakatayo sa iyong paanan
4) nakahiga sa tabi mo
Ano pa inaantay mo? text na! P2.50 /text lang!

Time is gold.
KURO: "Di ba time is gold?"
PAENG: "o? Ano naman?"
KURO: "Maisanla nga yung orasan namin!"

An advertisement in Thailand
If you are loyal to your wife,
you may go to Heaven.
And if you are not…
come to Thailand.
We will show you Heaven

Ibinasura na ang "Pilipinas Kay Ganda" DOT slogan, I- localize na lang daw mga Tourism slogans, gaya ng mga ito:
1. "Bohol: Go To Hill!"
2. "Be Cool, Bicol!"
3. "Cubao, Bow! Sarap umibabaw Sa Cubao!"
4. "Thanks For Coming! Camiguin"
5. "Hanap Mo Ba Maluwag, Halina Sa Laoag!"
6. "Babaeng Balbon, Marami Sa Malabon."
7. "Boracay, You Beach!"
8. "Aura Na Sa Aurora!"
9. "Kalasin ang Bohol"
10. "Takpan ang Navotas"

FACT:
Men enjoy looking at other women who are dressed in a manner that exposes all their assets…
But they don’t like their women dressing in the same.

HEALER: "Damihin nyo ang presensya ng Panginoon.Tumayo ka. At tumayo kayong lahat." (tumayo ang lahat pati ang lalaking nasa wheelchair)
HEALER: "Ngayon, lumakad ka!" (nakalakad ang lalaki sa wheelchair, binigyan ito ng MIC ng healer)
HEALER: "Anong masasabi mo?"
LALAKI: "DI PA RIN PO AKO MAKAKITA."

Man: "Is this 117?
Police: "Yes! What’s your emergency?"
Man: "Two girls are fighting over me!"
Police: "What’s wrong with that?"
Man: "The ugly one is winning… Hurry!"

A man prayed, "Oh God, give me one bag full of money, a job, one big vehicle and many girls around me.”
God heard his prayer and he became
A BUS CONDUCTOR!

A shrink examining his patient.
DOC: "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngaun, ano ang gagawin mo?"
PATIENT: "Titiradorin ko po ang buwan!"
DOC: "Ikaw ay di pa pwedeng palabasin. E-examinin kita ulit pagkatapos ng 6 na buwan."

(Pakalipas ng 6 ng buwan)

DOC: "Kung palalabasin ka ngaun, ano ang iyong gagawin?"
PATIENT: "Dok, ako po ay magaling na! Pagkalabas ko po ng ospital, ako po ay hahanap ng trabaho para mamuhay ng maayos."
DOC: "Good! Pag nakahanap ka ng trabaho, ano ang gagawin mo?"
PATIENT: "Doktor, ako po ay manliligaw ng isang mabait, masipag at magandang babaeng pwede kong makapiling habang buhay."
DOC: (nagulat, mukhang matino na pasyente) "Pagkatapos ninyong makasal ano iyong gagawin?"
PATIENT: "Aba, Doktor, kami po ay mag-hahanimun!"
DOK: "Ano ang iyong gagawin sa hanimun?"
PATIENT: Doktor, huhubarin ko po ang blusa at palda ng aking bagong asawa.
DOK: Pagkatapos?"
PATIENT: "Pagkatapos, huhubarin ko ang kanyang bra at panty."
Dok: Pagkatapos?"
PATIENT: "Pagkatapos… kukunin ko lahat ng lastiko sa bra at panty at titiradorin ko ang buwan!"

Anong saysay ng SOMETHING nyo,
kung may SOMEONE naman siya?
Baligtarin naman natin…
anong saysay ng SOMEONE nya,
kung may SOMETHING naman kayo?

Dalawang magkumpare nagiisip ng halloween costume.
PARE1: "Ano kaya kung dracula nalang ang saken.."
PARE2: "Ayos rin.."
PARE1: "Ikaw ano sau?
PARE2: "Baka kasi magalit ka pagsinabi ko.."
PARE1: "Ano ba un?"
PARE2: "Pwedeng hiramin mukha mo."

Two boys were arguing when the teacher came into the room.
Teacher asks, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a 1000 peso bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the money to the teacher.

In a science class:
NENE: "Teacher, oh si Pedro ang kulit…"
TEACHER: "Pedro alam mo para kang sperm."
PEDRO: "Bakit po teacher?"
TEACHER: "Ang sarap mo palabasin!"

CUTE CASHIER: "Sir, may advantage Card ba kayo?"
BOY: "Wala eh… kung meron ba… will you take advantage of me?"

EMPLOYEE: "I’m thinking of getting my boss a watch.
Every day he asks me the same fucking question.
‘What time do you call this?’"

2 ladies were fighting in a bus for a seat.
Conductor said the older lady should be the one seated.
Both ladies looked at each other and neither took the empty seat.

DOCTOR: (to a wife) “Your husband is too weak and you should give him some milk everyday.”
WIFE: “I try to give him every day BUT he sucks more and drinks less!”

A horny man says to his wife, "You have an ass as big as a washing machine." She looked at him and went to the bedroom. So he followed her and asked her for sex.
Giving him a big smile, she replies, "For such a little laundry, I’m not starting my washing machine. Do it by hand!"

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