SMS Jokes 2011-255

**Courtesy of Mike

LOLO at LOLA nag-uusap:
LOLO: "Iba na talaga ang panahon ngayon! Noon pag sinabing APPLE at BLACKBERRY alam mo na prutas at wala ng iba."
LOLA: "Ahay oonga! Noon pag sinabing SAMSUNG alam mo agad na yun ang asawa ni DELILAH!"

If you are SEXY ingatan ang BODY
baka magka-BABY ka ng walang DADDY!

HOW TO KILL A GIRL?
Give her many beautiful dresses.
Expensive cosmetics.
Awesome jewelry.
And then,

LOCK HER IN A ROOM WITHOUT ANY MIRROR!

MAN: "Archeologist found a hundred thousand year old jawbone of a female."
WIFE: "How do they know it was a woman’s jaw?"
MAN: "It was still moving!"

Man comes home from his cardiologist and says, "Sorry love, we can’t have sex anymore, it can be fatal to me."
She asks, "How come?"
"He warned me to stay away from everything that contains fat!"

GIRL: "Ano ba talaga ideal girl mo?"
BOY: "Yung parang manok!"
GIRL: "Ah, yung magaling makipag-away?"
BOY: "Hindi.. yung palaging.. nakabantay sa aking itlog!"

QUESTION: What’s common between clouds and wife?
ANSWER: When both are not around, we call it a bright day.

A woman asks her husband, "Remember, you take out the trash tonight!"
Her husband replied, "Yes, why not? You want to go where?"

Teacher to his class: "What do girls can’t put on?"
The whole class was silent till a boy raised his hand and yelled, "I know it teacher… It’s a CONDOM!"

A newly married man travelling with his bride dialed a number of a girl written in the train’s bathroom.
.
and his wife picked up the phone.

How to make a PIZZA for dinner:
Ingredients required
. Phone
. Menu
. Cash

It was Halloween and three vampires went to a bar.
1st: "I’ll have a glass of blood."
2nd: "I’ll have the same."
3rd: "I’ll have a glass of plasma."
Bartender: "OK, let’s get this straight. That’ll be two blood and a blood light?"

A man goes to an insurance company to get some info. An agent said, "Sir, we also deal in penis insurance."
The man, surprised asks, "Are you going to replace it with a new one?"
"No, sir, but if it stops working, we are gonna provide lifetime service to your wife."

When a man gets up to speak, people listens, then look.
When a woman gets up to speak,
people look
then,
if they like
what they see,
they listen!

A girl tops her B. Ed. Exam.
Her excited boyfriend sent SMS to her father…
"Your daughter is tops in Bed!"
MORAL: Even a small dot can ruin your life.

Calling out your ex-gfs names during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won’t forget her either after you leave her.

Ano ang mas masarap na unan?
Yung legs ng mga babae?
Or
Yung mga dibdib ng mga lalake?

A Chinese who speaks little English goes to a fast food resto. He wants to order chicken but he doesn’t know it in English.
He spots a tray of eggs on the counter, and says to a service crew member, "I want their mother.."

If sex among three people is called "threesome" and sex between two people is called a "twosome", you will now understand why your friends call you "handsome".

Girl confessing: "I’m pregnant."
Priest: "How did this happen my child?”
Girl: "I think it must be the second coming.
Priest shocked by this reply asked, ”What makes you think it’s the second coming?”
Girl: "Because I swallowed the first.”

 

 

oOo

“Wag mong isiping PANGIT ka, maiinis ka lang.”

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