SMS Jokes 2011-256

**Courtesy of MIKE

GIRL: "Man0ng tulungan nyo naman ako."
MAN0NG: "Bakit?"
GIRL: "Nawawala kasi yung tatay ko. Galing kaming pr0binsya."
MAN0NG: "Hmm, sige pero sumama ka muna sa akin."
(Sumama ang girl sa m0tel)
MAN0NG: "Hubarin mo it0ng sh0rt ko."
GIRL: "Sige!"
MAN0NG: "Hawakan mo titi ko tapos ilapit mo yung bibig mo."
GIRL: "Ganito?"
MAN0NG: "Oo! Alam mo na ang gagawin mo?"
GIRL: "Opo!"
MAN0NG: "Sige, gawin mo na!"
GIRL: "NANAWAGAN PO KO Sa TATAY KO! KuNG Na SaAN Ka MAN TAY UMUWI Ka NA!"

Titser nadulas, istudyante nagtawanan.
TITSER: "May nakakatawa ba?"
STUDENT: "Malamang, Mam. Tatawa ba kami kung wala?"

Kung humingi ng birthday gift sayo crush mo,
HALIKAN MO NA LANG,
pag ayaw niya, sabihin mo,
IBALIK NIYA NA LANG!

Girl at boy nagtatalo..
GIRL: "Sinasabi ko sau lahat ng kaya ng mga lalaki, kaya rin ng mga babae.. Tingnan mo.. may engineer na babae, may pulis na babae, may sundalong babae…"
BOY: "Talaga lang ah… pero may alam akong kaya ng limang lalaki, na hindi kaya ng lima, sampu, o kahit 20 na babae pa!"
GIRL: "Ano yun? Magbuhat ng bus? Sira ka ba?"
BOY: "Hindi! Kaya ba ng limang babae na umihi sa isang arinola ng sabay-sabay?"

EMPLOYEE: "My wife wants me to take a leave tomorrow since the basement, garage and garden have to be cleaned."
BOSS: "Sorry, I can’t give you a leave."
EMPLOYEE: "Thanks, boss, I knew you would help me."

A Pinoy businessman, vacationing in Japan, was invited by Japanese friends for a round of golf.
After a swing, his caddy said, "Kuribok."
At hotel for the night, a Japanese girl entertained him with a round of sex. She exclaimed, "Kuribok!"
So, before he left for Philippines, he asked desk clerk what "kuribok" meant.  
DESK CLEARK: Sir, ‘kuribok’ means, "You hit the WRONG HOLE!"..!!

Ika-13 utos:
OBISPO: "Ang mga Demonyo ay bawal makipag-talik!"
SEMINARISTA: "Bakit naman?"
OBISPO: "Sapagkat mararating nila ang Langit!"

KALANDIAN
panira sa mga MAGKASINTAHAN
kaaway ng mga KABABAIHAN
burarang KAGANDAHAN
reyna ng SABUNUTAN
panggulo sa lipunan
at higit sa lahat…

sanhi ng
KALIBUGAN!

A drunk arrives late at home. He knows his wife won’t open the door, so he pretends he had flowers for her, and knocks at the door…
WIFE: "Who is it?"
DRUNK: "I bring flowers for the beautiful lady."
Wife opens door, "Where are the flowers?"
Drunk replies, "Where’s the beautiful lady?!"

A beggar found a thousand peso on a street.
He went to a 5 star hotel for dinner and given a bill for 5,000 pesos.
The manager handed him to the police.
He gave the thousand peso to the police and was freed.
This is called FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT without a MBA!

QUESTION: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ANSWER: A girlfriend answers all your questions. A wife questions all your answers!

Before going to bed, a couple had a fight when…
Husband said, "Good night Old Mother of SIX KIDS…"
and
Wife replied, "Good night, Father of NONE!"

New Trend?
A beggar’s sign read:
"Thank you for donating. Please visit our new website E-Begging.Com.
Paypal, Debit/Credit cards and internet banking facilities available."

QUESTION: Why can’t anyone satisfy a woman completely?
ANSWER: Because nobody has a dick which is made up of gold, decorated with diamonds and ejaculates cash!

GUY: "Give me a blowjob."
GIRL: "Can’t you be a bit more romantic?"
GUY: "Give me a blowjob in the rain."

Not all men just want a relationship for sex.
Some want their cooking and laundry done too!

You know you have a drinking problem, when at breakfast your wife asks you to toast some bread for her and…
You raise your glass of wine and say, "To bread!"

Big lips are nice to kiss.
Big nipples are nice to suck.
Big breasts are nice to squeeze..
but big hole is hopeless to fuck.
MORAL: Big things are not always good.

"Siguro nga hanggang dito na lang ako. Siguro nga hindi na ako magiging sentro ng atensyon mo. Ok lang, masaya na akong nasa gilid lang ako ng paningin mo." – MUTA

"Pila-pila lang. Walang tulakan. Lahat tayo makakalabas." – TAE

SUSHI, gamit para mabukasan ang pinto. Sushi.

MINUTE, eto ung nararamdaman mo tuwing tanghali o tirik n tirik ang araw.Minute.

Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another…"
Erap: "Tayo’y magtulungan. …."
BUSH: "…let’s strive together…"
ERAP: "…tayo’y magsikap…"
BUSH: "…because in union there is strength."
ERAP: "…dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"

GIRL: "Babe, Alam mo para kang mangga."
BOY: "bakit babe? Dahil sweet ako?"
GIRL: "Hindi. Mukha kang kalabaw."

Si girl nahuli si boy nambababae.
GIRL: "Kung mambabae ka din lang naman siguraduhin mo sa maganda."
BOY: "Bakit?"
GIRL: "Kasi kung sa tulad lang din nya, di na pambababae tawag dyan. “PANGANGASO” na."

TEACHER: "Juan, use the word "hey" in a sentence."
JUAN: "Hey, give me back my t-shirt!"
TEACHER: "Very good, Juan! Pedro, please use the word "hey" in a sentence."
PEDRO: "You’re so beautiful and smart po, ma’am!"
TEACHER: -giggles- "Thank you, Pedro, you’re very kind, but where is the word hey there?"
PEDRO: "EstoraHEY!"

oOo
"Kasing lakas ba ng ALAK ang TAMA mo sa kanya? Wag kang mag-alala, darating ang araw ISUSUKA mo din siya."

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