SMS Jokes 2011-258

**Courtesy of Mike

BATA: "Ale, pautang ng sardinas, bukas ang bayad."
TINDERA: "Eto LATA, bukas na din yung laman!"

Simula nung maghiwalay tandem nina Gerald Anderson at Kim Chiu…
Si Gerald naging Abnoy (BUDOY)
Si Kim naging Tomboy (Binondo Girl)

Panalo Daw Si Pacman!
Pero Natalo Na Naman
Sa PAGANDAHAN ng NANAY!

HUSBAND: "Panay ang nood mo ng mga Cooking shows sa AFC hindi naman sumasarap ang luto mo!"
WIFE: (galit) "Palagi kamg nanood ng Porn di ka naman gumagaling magromansa!"

QUESTION: Does the penis deserve overtime and hazard pay?
ANSWER: Yes? Because it works in deep, damp, hot tunnels, often head down and mostly in night shifts!

Steve Jobs is now working for God in Heaven to make iWIFE…
Beauty and Brain
plus
MUTE button!

A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their chat was constantly interrupted by guests describing their ailments and asking the doc for medical advise. After an hour of this, the exasperated doc asked the shyster how he stops people from asking free legal advice.

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then send them a bill."
The doc was shocked but gave it a try.
The next day, feeling guilty, the doc made the bills.
When he placed them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

WIFE: "I’m going to LONDON. What gift do you want?"
HUSBAND: "An English girl."
After a month, wife returns..
HUSBAND: "Where is my gift?"
WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"

 

At a hospital..
MAN: "Nurse, you are very beautiful! If I get into an accident, I hope I will be taken to this hospital."
NURSE: "That would be a miracle, this is a maternity hospital!"

A man had a sun-burnt penis, so he is advised by a friend to dip it in milk.
While doing so, his girlfriend came and said, "I always wonder how you guys load them!"

He is the ONLY person who can ORDER a woman to stop talking and in reply be given a smile…
He is A Photographer.

Life is like a Penis …
Simple
Soft
Straight…
Women make it hard!!

3 Things That Should Never Be Broken…
1. Hearts
2. Promises
3. Condoms..
Sometimes the breaking of number 3 causes 1 and 2 to break.

Chinese tinirador ang helicopter, sumabog!
Kano tinirador ang airplane, natamaan ang pakpak sumabog!
Pinoy tumirador sa langit, may nahulog na manok. At biglang bumukas ang langit, lumabas si San Pedro na galit at sabi, "Sino pumatay sa manok ko?"

Ang ALAK, mas okay pa sa GATAS.
Mas nakakawala pa ng problema.
Tapos minsan, Libre lang.
Eh ang gatas?
Meron na bang nagtreat ng gatas?
At nagsabing,
"Tara tol! Dede tayo!"
o kaya
"Tol tara. Hanap tayo ng madedede!"
Pwede din kaya yung,
"Padede ka naman tol! Birthday mo e!"
o kaya,
"Tol, sabihin mo sa syota mo, padede siya! Monthsary nyo eh?"

BATA: "Tita! Tita! Nakita ko si daddy tsaka si mommy naglalaro!"
TITA: "Ha? Saan?"
BATA: "sa bedroom po!"
TITA: "Anong nilalaro nila?"
BATA: "uh… Di ko po alam e. Mukha silang nasa see-saw!"

PRETTY GIRL: Magkano ang jacket?
TINDERO: 20 kisses.
PRETTY GIRL: pa reserve, babayaran ka ng lola ko!

BOY: "Orphanage ka ba?"
GIRL: "Bakit?"
BOY: "Gusto kitang bigyan nang bata."

JOKE ONLY:
Husband: Why do you always want me to lick you?
Wife: It can make me come earlier.
Husband: Then I should lick my secretary because she always comes late!

Aling Dionesia was on a flight to L.A in economy. She wanted to move to a better seat, so she got up & moved to an open seat in 1st class!
Flight attendants told her to return to her seat but she stayed put, saying "she was rich mama to ‘you-know-who’!"
The captain left the cockpit, knelt down next beside her & whispered in her ear, & she moved back to economy!
Flight Attendant to Captain: "What did you tell her?"  "I told her 1st class isn’t going to L.A!"

A guy wanted to get married. He had a choice of three women. First was a rich surgeon. Second was a poor domestic helper. Third was a GRO. WHO DID HE PICK?

The one with big TITS!

Men are simply men!

Don’t you hate it when you open a bag of potato chips and it’s 30% full…?
That’s how guys feel about a push-up bra.

  1. Pag marami ng naging girlfriend o boyfriend, MALANDI na agad? Di ba pwedeng trial and error muna?
  2. Porke malaki bahay, mayaman agad? Di ba pdeng nakikitira lang?
  3. Pag masunurin ba, MABAIT agad? Di ba pwedeng UTO-UTO muna?
  4. Kapag ba hot, kape agad? Hindi ba pwedeng ako muna?
  5. Porket nakatingin siya sayo, may gusto siya sayo agad? Hindi ba pwedeng ang pangit mo lang talaga muna?

 

oOo

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