Tuesday Humor

** Courtesy of Mike

PGMA: "Noy, payagan mo na ko umalis" 
PNOY: "KUNG GUSTO MONG UMALIS DUN KA SA AIRPORT NG TATAY MO, WAG DITO SA AIRPORT NG TATAY KO!"

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BEFORE: Nasaan Ka, Elisa?
AFTER: Nasaan Ka, Ramona?
at meron pa pala!
NOW: Saan Ka Pupunta, Gloria?

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HISTORY LESSONS:
GMA 2001: "I don’t have to run."
GMA 2004: "I am not running."
GMA 2011: "I am not running away."

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Nahuli ng teacher si Juan na cheating..
TEACHER: "Ganyan ka na talaga ka bobo Juan?"
JUAN: "Ma’am! Seeking help is not a sign of ignorance. It is an intellectual act that allows people to admit that some situations are not meant to be handled alone."
TEACHER na tulala.

*

Sign sa isang wall..
BABALA:
Bawal umihi sa pader at sa lupa. Ang mahuli putulan ng uten at tingel.

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We should not Care Much About
11.11.11
Or
12.12.12
As Nothing Can Beat
36.24.36 

*

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Templeyt

Juice ko! Andami-dami kong gagawin na mga trabaho dito sa balur ko at mga ibo-blog na mga chuva chenes sana pero inuna ko pa ang pagpapalit ng blog template ko. Naubos lang naman ang precious time ko ngayong araw na ‘to. Inuna ko pa kasi ang kaartehan ko dito at inabot lang naman ng 48 years bago natapos.  Kalurkey!

Nakakaubos ng panahon talaga ang pagpapalit ng theme ng blog. Kung sing-dali lang sana ‘to na parang nagpapalit lang ng funtee o naghuhubad ng bra, eh alaws sana problema. Hays…dami kasing kelangan i-tweak sa mga codes. Leches!

Dahil sa kagustuhan kong maging christmasy ang tsura ng blog ko…napabayaan ko na ang mga blog pans ko at hindi na ako makapag-reply sa mga pan mails ko. Charoooooot! Hello pans! Haha!

Ewan ko ba, kahit sa blog templates, dali ko magsawa. Gusto ko paiba-iba. Well, kunsabagay pag tinatamad ako eh isa rin ‘to sa paraan ko para ganahan magblog…ang mag-iba ng template.

Heniweys, magre-redi na muna ako ng isang tabo ng kape, mga teh. Dahil mapipilitan akong magpuyat ngayon. Shet! Magmumukhang Panda na naman chura ko nito bukas.

 

oOo

Ang babae kahit nasasaktan na yan, maganda pa rin.

SMS Jokes 2011-258

**Courtesy of Mike

BATA: "Ale, pautang ng sardinas, bukas ang bayad."
TINDERA: "Eto LATA, bukas na din yung laman!"

Simula nung maghiwalay tandem nina Gerald Anderson at Kim Chiu…
Si Gerald naging Abnoy (BUDOY)
Si Kim naging Tomboy (Binondo Girl)

Panalo Daw Si Pacman!
Pero Natalo Na Naman
Sa PAGANDAHAN ng NANAY!

HUSBAND: "Panay ang nood mo ng mga Cooking shows sa AFC hindi naman sumasarap ang luto mo!"
WIFE: (galit) "Palagi kamg nanood ng Porn di ka naman gumagaling magromansa!"

QUESTION: Does the penis deserve overtime and hazard pay?
ANSWER: Yes? Because it works in deep, damp, hot tunnels, often head down and mostly in night shifts!

Steve Jobs is now working for God in Heaven to make iWIFE…
Beauty and Brain
plus
MUTE button!

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30 Real Feelings Of A Gal

** galing Gmail ko

1. When a girl says she’s sad, but she isn’t crying, it means she’s crying in her heart.

2. When she ignores you after you’ve done something wrong, it’s best to give her some time to cool down before touching her heart with an apology.

3. A girl can’t find anything to hate about the guy she loves (which is why it is so hard for her to “get over him” after the relationship’s over.)

4. If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind every minute of the day, even though she flirts with other guys.

5. When the guy she likes smiles and stares deep into her eyes, she will melt.

6. A girl likes to hear compliments, but usually not sure how to react to them.

7. When a particular guy flirts with a girl very often, a girl would start thinking the guy likes her. So if you treat a girl just as a friend, go easy on the smiles and stare ok?

8. If you don’t like a girl who likes you, break it to her gently.

9. If a girl starts avoiding you after you reject her, leave her alone for a while. If you still treat her as a friend, talk to her.

10. Girls enjoy talking about what they feel. Music, poetry, drawings and writing are ways of expressing themselves (which explains why most girls like writing journals or blog).

11. Never tell a girl that she is useless in anyway.

12. Being too serious can turn a girl off.

13. When the guy she likes calls her for the first time, the girl may act uninterested during the call. But as soon as the phone is back on the hook, she will whoop with joy and immediately start telephoning her friends to spread the news.

14. A smile means a lot to a girl.

15. If you like a girl, try making friends with her first. Let her get to know you.

16. If a girl says she can’t go out with you because she has to study, leave.

17. But if she still calls you or expect a call from you, stay.

18. Don’t try to guess a girl’s feelings. Ask her.

19. Hearing the words “I love you” is a great reassurance to a girl that she is beautiful.

20. After a girl falls in love with a guy, she’ll wonder why she never noticed him before.

21. If you need tips on how to flirt with a girl, read romance stories.

22. When class pictures come out, a girl would first check who is standing next to her crush before actually looking at herself.

23. A girl’s ex-crush will always be in her memory, but the guy she loves now stays in her heart.

24. Girls love having fun!

25. A simple “Hi” can brighten a girl’s day.

26. A girl’s best friends usually know best what she is feeling and going through.

27. Girls hate it when a guy pays attention to them just to get close to their “prettier” friend.

28. Love means devotion, caring and happiness to a girl, in that order.

29. Some girls care about looks, some care about brains, but ALL girls want a guy who will love and care for them.

30. Girls want nothing more than to feel loved.

 

oOo

“I have died everyday waiting for you.”

 

 

Baking Soda

Pag mga ganitong klase ang sofa nyo sa bahay, at sa tipo ng panahon na meron tayo dito sa Pilipinas na madalas ay humid o maalinsangan, hindi talaga maiwasan na minsan ay parang nagkaka amoy-pawis din ang mga upholstered seat natin.

Pero alam nyo ba ang solusyon ko sa problema ko para maalis ang amoy-ewan sa sofa namin at maging amoy-fresh ulit ang mga upuan? BAKING SODA, mga teh!

Isa to sa ipinagpapasalamat ko sa pagka-imbento ng BAKING SODA. Hindi lang ang sofa namin ang binubudburan ko ng Baking Soda, pati matris namin este mattress ng higaan namin. Usually, sa umaga ang pag-sprinkle ko ng deodorizing agent na to at hinahayaan ko sya na ganyan sa buong araw (o kaya overnight) para masipsip nya ng todo ang amoy na dumidikit sa cover ng sofa o kama. Sa hapon o kinabukasan either i-vacuum mo o kaya pagpagan mo lang ng mabuti ang sofa hanggang sa mawala yung pulbora. Ayun, solb na agad!

Alam nyo mga kapwa ko madir, solusyon to lalo na kung may mga babies o kaya mister (?) kayo na nagwe-wewe pa sa kama. Para maalis ang panghi sa kama, baking soda po ang kasagutan.

Kung sino man ang maylikha ng BAKING SODA, TENKYU PO!

 

 

Eto pa ang sandamakmak na gamit ng BAKING SODA sa kabahayan.

Baking soda can do a lot more than just sit in the back of the fridge. Try these easy tips and put baking soda to work in every room of your house!

  1. Skip produce washesjust put some baking soda on a damp sponge, scrub and rinse.
  2. Soak hair brushes and combs in a mixture of 1 teaspoon baking soda and a small amount of warm water. Rinse and dry.
  3. Before you store your patio furniture for the season, scatter baking soda under chair cushions.
  4. Keep your grill clean all summer long by putting some baking soda on a damp brush, scrubbing the grate, then rinsing.
  5. Freshen rugs by sprinkling baking soda on carpet, wait at least 15 minutes (preferably let sit overnight), then vacuum up.
  6. Add 1 cup of baking soda to your next load of laundry (along with your regular liquid detergent) to get clothes cleaner and brighter.
  7. Remove baked-on residue by shaking a generous amount of baking soda on pots and pans. Then add hot water and dish detergent, let sit for 15 minutes and wash as usual.
  8. Deodorize a funky-smelling hamper. Sprinkle baking soda in the bottom of the hamper (or over dirty clothes) to keep items fresher until laundry day.
  9. To brighten a dull floor finish, dissolve cup baking soda in a bucket of warm water. Mop and rinse for a shiny floor.
  10. Make your own bathroom scrub by mixing cup baking soda with 1 tablespoon liquid detergent. Add vinegar to give it a thick, creamy texture.
  11. To put out a grease fire, scatter baking soda over it by the handful to extinguish flames.
  12. Clean the dishwasher and coffeemaker by running an empty cycle with baking soda.
  13. Add cup baking soda to your bath for an at-home spa treatment.
  14. To shine tarnished silver, combine three parts baking soda with one part water. Rub onto silver with a clean cloth or sponge. Rinse thoroughly and dry.
  15. Sprinkle baking soda in the kitty box, then add litter on top to keep smells to a minimum. Or make a DIY litter, mixing a small box of baking soda with 3 inches of sandy clay.
  16. Use baking soda to brush your pets teeth.
  17. For instant relief from bug bites, sunburn and poison ivy, mix baking soda with a little water and apply it directly to the sore.
  18. Pour in 1 cup baking soda followed by 1 cup hot vinegar to quickly unclog the kitchen drain.
  19. Fight dandruff by tabling the shampoo for a few weeks and massaging your wet scalp with a handful of baking soda instead.
  20. Gargle with baking soda, or use it as mouthwash.
  21. Soak toothbrushes in a mixture of cup baking soda and cup water; let brushes stand overnight for a thorough cleaning.
  22. Make a fluffier omelet by adding teaspoon baking soda for every three eggs.
  23. Use a pinch in a gallon of freshly-brewed iced tea, to take out the bitterness and prevent cloudiness.
  24. Scatter baking soda on icy sidewalks?its not as corrosive as salt.
  25. Discourage weeds by sprinkling baking soda into the cracks on your driveway and walkways.
  26. Surround Fidos food bowls with baking soda to keep pests away.
  27. Mix a little baking soda into your conditioner and lather on your hair to keep it healthy and resistant to split ends.
  28. Have heartburn? Create an antacid by mixing teaspoon of baking soda with cup of water.
  29. To clean a toilet, add cup baking soda to the bowl, swirl, then scrub.
  30. Exfoliate your skin with a paste of 3 parts baking soda to one part water. Apply gently with your fingertips in a circular motion, then rinse
  31. To deodorize a drain, pour about cup baking soda down the drain, followed by cup vinegar. After 15 minutes, pour in boiling water to clean residue. NOTE: Use this method only if your pipes are metal. And never mix with other cleaning solutions. Don’t try this if you’ve recently used a commercial drain product.

 

oOo

They say if you love someone let them go to see if they come back, but lets face it, if you really love them youre not letting them go.

SMS Jokes 2011-257

**Courtesy of Mike

BOY: "Ikaw ba ang nagslice nung cake?"
GIRL: "Bakit?"
BOY: "Kasi gusto kong matikman yang hiwa mo."
(Ahm! wag marumi isip!)

MUM: "Hurry up!! What are you doing?"
BOY: "I am coming!"
MUM: "Since when did you start to wank?"

Son asks his father, "Papa, what were those noises last night?" Quite puzzled, the father replies, "Your mom and I were making cake."
The son says, "Aha… I knew it  was… l licked the ICING on your bed, the cake must be delicious!"

WIFE: "You’re extremely rude! All the time I was talking, you kept yawning!"
HUSBAND: "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something..but you didn’t let me!"

Its official!
Si Lolong ang pinakamalaking buwaya sa mundo, ayon sa representatives ng Guinness.
Di pa kasi nila nakikita si Mike Arroyo!

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Sew Happy 6 (DIY: Snowflake Pillows)

Hindi po totoo ang sabi-sabi ng iba na kaya may mga araw na hindi ako makapag-blog ay dahil busy ako sa panonood ng porn. Susme! Ako fa! Ako fa ang pagbibintangan ng mga ganung gawain! Ako fah na walang kalibog-libog sa katawan. Ako fa na isang inosente at mangmang sa kamunduhan?! Charot!

Da truth is, kung hindi man ako nakakapag-blog minsan, yun ay dahil sa busy ako sa pag i-imprenta ng pekeng papel na pera. Hehe! Istir lang.

Waaaah! Lapit na talaga ang Pasko at mukang tuyong-Pasko na naman kami. Ang hirap maging stay-at-home mom, walang maaasahan na krismas bonus at 13th month pay 🙁

Heniweys, tuyong-Pasko man kami dis year, ginagawan ko na lang ng paraan na medyo maging festive ang ambiance ng mention namin. (Use mention in a sentence:  “Ganda ng bahay ko! Parang MENTION!”) Sa ganitong paraan man lang ay ma-feel namin nina Kevin, Ziah at Sang na Pasko na nga!

Snowflake Pillow1

Double time ako ngayon sa pananahi. Kelangan matapos ko na ang mga tatahiin ko kasi anytime ay pwedeng kunin na sa akin ang hiniram kong sewing machine.

Eto ang katatapos ko lang sa mga sewing project ko. New cushion covers na pang-Krismas ang design.

Snowflake Pillow2

Sa panahon ngayon, kahit anong kulay na ang pwede mong gamitin na color motif ng Pasko. Hindi yung lagi na lang red, green, gold, silver at white na lang lagi.

 

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30 Minute Rolls

Mainit-init pa to at kahahango ko lang ngayon galing sa oven. As in napaka ikli lang po talaga oras para gawin tomore or less 30 minutes nga!

Naging madali na sa akin ang paggawa ng tinapay ngayon. Eh kasi nga di ba, may heavy duty stand mixer na akong naipamana sa akin ng pamangkin ko. (angas!)

30 Minute Rolls

  • 1 cup plus 2 Tbsp warm water
  • 1/3 cup oil
  • 2 Tbsp yeast
  • 1/4 cup sugar
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 egg
  • 3 1/2 cup flour ( I used 50% all purpose flour, 50% wheat flour)
  1. Heat oven to 400 degrees.
  2. In your mixer bowl combine the water, oil, yeast and sugar and allow it to rest for 15 minutes. Using your dough hook, mix in the salt, egg and flour. Knead with hook until will incorporated and dough is soft and smooth. (Just a few minutes)
  3. Form dough into 12 balls and then place in a greased 9 x 13 pan and allow to rest for 10 minutes. Bake for 10 minutes at 400 degrees or until golden brown.

Recipe Source:http://www.yourhomebasedmom.com

Mahigit sandosena ang nagawa ko kasi maliliit lang na bola-bola ang hinulma ko.

 

oOo

There’s no such thing as being too busy. If you really love something, you’ll make time for it.

Friday Humor

Use CADET in a sentence: CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya.

Use DESPISE in a sentence: Who baked all DESPISE?

Use DELETION in a sentence: The balat of DELETION is crispy.

Use ADIEU in a sentence: If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.

Use Deduct, Defense, Detail & Defeat in a sentence: DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, DEFEAT first, then DETAIL!

Use Glucose in a sentence: Don’t GLUCOSE to me please.

Use MENTION in a sentence: "Ganda ng bahay ko! Parang MENTION!"

Use DELICACY in a sentence: Bagal mo… DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo!

Use CARDIAC in a sentence:  Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.

Use BE COOL and I’LL BUY in a sentence: The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I’LL BUY, BE COOL.

Use DECANTER in a sentence: You can order that medicine over DECANTER.

America has COWboy. England has madCOW. China has MaCOW. Russia has MosCOW. But the Philippines has the cutest COWs: iCOW at aCOW

Anong tawag sa mentos na matigas? Cemento!

PULIS: Nakilala nyo ba ang nanakit at nanampal sa inyo?
VICTIM:Hindi pero may naiwan syang fingerprints!
PULIS:Nasaan?
VICTIM:Nasa pisngi ko!

JUAN:Nay, di po ba sabi nyo ginawa tayo ng Diyos? Eh bakit sabi po ni itay galing daw tayo sa unggoy?
NANAY:Tama din sya.. sa father’s side!

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