Saturday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

tarzan

GURO: "Oh mga bata! Ano bang gusto ninyo sa mga bayani natin?"
BATA: "Pag kaarawan nila, walang pasok!"

In a Palmolive shampoo commercial…
"What’s the Perfect Age to be a Woman?"
KC: "Ask Piolo!"

MISIS: "Lalayas na ako."
MISTER: "Ha?! Bakit!"
MISIS: "Bakit ako lalayas?"
MISTER: "Hindi! Ang ibig kong sabihin, bakit ngayon ka lang lalayas?!"

SNATCHER: "Hoy Miss! Ibigay mo saken yang cellphone mo! Bilis! Bilis!"
BABAE: "Huh? Wait ah! Group Message ko muna na ikaw na gagamit nito! Wait!"
SNATCHER: "Okay! Take your time!"

May kasabihan tayo na ang taong maagang gumising, maraming gawain.
Kaya para makaligtas sa mga gawain, magpatanghali ng gising!

BABALA…
Tumatalino na si BUDOY…
Kayo na ang ABNOY!

Sa barberya..
LALAKE: "Magkano ang gupit?"
BARBERO: "P150.00"
LALAKE: Paano naman kung ahit lang?"
BARBERO: "P50.00"
LALAKE: "Sige, ahitan mong ulo ko!"

For Women who say…
"ALL MEN ARE THE SAME,"
Someone posed a question…
"Who told you to try ALL OF THEM?"

BOY: "Miss magnanakaw ka ba?"
GIRL: "Bakit?" (kinilig)
BOY: "Kasi nawawala wallet ko! Ikaw lang katabi ko."

Lasing nagwawala..
LASING: "Sinong barako diyan? Lumabas..!"
PULIS: (pinaputok ang baril)
LASING: "Put*ang Ina. Sinung paput0k diyan?" (galit)
PULIS: "Ako baket?"
LASING: (tiklop) "Anlakas ah… bingi ako eh."

QUOTE:
"Why do people say ‘Grow some balls?’ Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding!" ~ Betty White

Dear God,
Your love for films (Cliff Robertson, FPJ, Johnny Delgado, etc), Music (John Lennon, Francis M, etc) and Technology (Steve Jobs) is now beyond all doubts.

SIMBANG GABI.,
marami na naman ang mag-SISIMBANG TABI!

1st DAUGHTER: "Dad, im a Lesbian!"
DAD: "Cool!"
2nd DAUGHTER: "Dad, im a Lesbian Too!"
DAD: "Oh wait a minutes, Does anyone in this house want a dick?"
SON: "I do!"

JUAN: "Pre askal yan noh…"
PEDRO: "Hindi noh…"
JUAN: "Askal nga yan ang kulit netoh…"
PEDRO: "Hindi ahh galing toh sa america ehh pero askal nga imported naman."

Women are like Electric Currents !
If handled with Care they Light Up Your Life!
If mishandled they give u Shocks throughout your life.

Always remember
When everyone has left you, And
No one is around you. And
You are standing alone in some corner..
It’s the Best Time to adjust your underwear.

Dalawang lalaki naabutan ng ulan sa daan..
LALAKI1: "Naku basa na ang brief ko!"
LALAKI2: "Buti na lang wala akong brief!"

Signs at Admissions desk, St. Lukes Medical Center, Taguig City:
1. Dengue, Typhoid, Liptospirosis cases -proceed to WARD.
2. Operations, Kidney, Liver, Colon & Throats -proceed to PRIVATE ROOMS.
3. Cancer, By-pass & Angio, go to ICU.
4. Plunder, Graft, Corruption, Electoral Sabotage -go to PRESIDENTIAL SUITE!

Vice Ganda vs. Anne Curtis..
ANNE: "Vice Ganda, amoy paa ang bunganga!"
VICE: "Anne Curtis, kasya ang paa sa bunganga!"

Nagtext si Boy kay ex-girlfriend..
BOY: "Mahal pa kita!"
GIRL: "Hayop ka! wag kang magtext! ayoko nang masaktan pa."
BOY: "Ayos ka ha! ikaw lang ba EX ko? Group message kaya to!"

PACMAN: "Hala pinadala ku kay mama ku yung mga LOUIS VUITTON na lipsticks!"
CHAVIT: "Spell mo yung LOUIS VUITTON!"
PACMAN: "Joke lang! Ibon (AVON) lang yun!"

Si Boy nag-abot ng rose kay Girl..
GIRL: "Aww. Para sakin to? Ang sweet."
BOY: "Hindi. Pahawak lang."

BATA: "Ma’m bakit ang elepante walang pakpak?"
TITSER: "E kung magkapakpak kaya yan at dinapuan ka?!"

JUNIOR: "Nay! Tutal magpapasko na, bili nyo naman ako ng bagong damit."
NANAY: "Anak… mahirap ang buhay ngayon… pagtyagaan mo na lang ung mga pinaglumaang damit ng mga nakakatanda mong kapatid."
JUNIOR: "Nay, naman oh! Suot ko na nga tong PANTY ni ATE.. pati ba naman Blouse ni Diche.. ipapasuot mo pa rin saken."

ATTENTION:
To all my inaanak..
Requirements to claim your gift:
1. Original copy of your baptismal certificate
2. NS0 authenticated copy of your birth certificate
3. NSO authenticated copy of your parents’ marriage contract.
4. Picture of your baptism, with me of course
5. Exact time and date of your baptism
6. Should know my complete name and address
7. NBI clearance na din ng nanay at tatay niyo
INCOMPLETE REQUIREMENTS, NO GIFT! Deadline for Submission will be on December 24, 2011
Happy Holidays!

 

oOo

“Life’s too short to worry about the little things. Enjoy what you have today, not what you might get tomorrow.”

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