Monday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

ACRONYM NG MGA PAMANTASAN SA MANILA PAGBUMABAGYO..
UE – Uy Evacuate!
NU – Naku Umulan
UST – Uy Stranded Tayo
DLSU – Di Lang Sa Uste
ADMU – Ay Damn, Maski Us?
UP – Umapaw Potek
CSB – Chong San Banda?
SBC- Sa Bewang Chong
LPU – Lubog Pati Us
PLM – Paano Lulusong Man?
TUP – Tsk Underwater POTEK
ADU – Apotek! Damay Us!
PNU – Panu Na Umulan

Paano magkaka snow dito sa Pilipinas..
Eh ang ha-HOT nating mga Pinoy!

Erap was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to answer to the question, "SALARY EXPECTED."
After much thought, he wrote, "YES Expected!"

GUY: (laughing) “My friend has stolen my girlfriend’s number from my cell..”
FRIEND: “So what’s next?”
GUY: “The idiot is sending romantic messages to his own sister.”

KIDNAPPER: “Hello! Magkano nyo tutubusin ang anak nyo?”
MAGULANG: “500 thousand!”
KIDNAPPER: “Huh? Hindi pwede! dapat may MILYON!”
MAGULANG: “uhmm… KALAHATING MILYON!”
KIDNAPPER: “OK! Sige! DEAL!”

Modern Break up:
GIRL: “I’m breaking up with you.”
BOY: “Why baby?”
GIRL: “Because you didn’t comment on my Facebook status.”

Wife told her husband to go and buy something that will make her look gorgeous…
He came back with two bottles of scotch for himself.

TANONG: How do you know if a girl wants to have sex?
SAGOT: When She tells you she reading…
(translation)…
”NagBaBasà ako.”

Sabi ng isang bading sa isang contest…
"Di man ako kasing ganda ng nanay mo
at kasing sexy na ate mo
Malay mo
ako ang tatay mo!"

Girls are afraid to hear the words "it’s over." from her guy.
And you know what guys are afraid to hear from his girl?
"Wa pa ko mens"

A generation ago..
Parents wanted their Daughters to get married to a Good Man.
Nowadays… Parents want their Sons to get married to a Good Lady.

JUAN: “O nene san ka pupunta?”
NENE: “Kay Doc, magpapainject ako nang gamot pampaputi…”
JUAN: “Ah ganun ba.. Sana meron  ding gamot nang budhi…”

DOC: “Your wife gave birth to a boy.. Now you are a father..”
MAN: “Thank God”
DOC: “Oh… we need a bag of blood for your son…”
MAN: “Is my son a Dracula?”

Nagtext si Boy kay ex-girlfriend..
BOY: “Mahal pa kita!”
GIRL: “Hayop ka! wag kang magtext! ayoko nang masaktan pa.”
BOY: “Ayos ka ha! ikaw lang ba EX ko? Group message kaya to!”

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Husband at in-law’s house telling his wife, "Let’s have sex..-
Wife replies, "No, this is my parents house"
The man cursed his wife and said, "so you mean my house is a BROTHEL!!"

ERAP: “Kung Vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng Gulay anong tawag sa kumakain ng Tao?”
LAPID: “Humanitarian! Ako naman.Anong plural ng rice?”
ERAP: “D Extra rice!
LAPID: “Anong mas msarap sa mga bading itlog ng pugo o itlog ng bibe?”
ERAP: “Itlog ng pogi!”
LAPID: “Ayaw ko na! Galing talaga mga taga Ateneo!”

TEACHER: “Who is EMILIO JACINTO?”
BOY: “I don’t know ma’am…”
TEACHER: “Concentrate on your studies..!”
BOY: “Do you know Jennifer dela Cruz?”
TEACHER: “I don’t know..”
BOY: “Concentrate on your husband!”

BATA: “Mamang pulis, saan po papuntang ospital?”
PULIS: “Wag ka aalis dyan sa gitna ng kalye. Mamaya nasa ospital ka na!”
BATA: “Ahh. Salamat po!”

Sa bar
BABAENG PANGIT: “Isang halik lang mapapasayo na ako ng buong buo.”
LALAKING POGI: “Thanks for the warning.”

Mekaniko nasa ilalim ng sasakyan..
JOHN: “Miss, hindi ko makita ang cra ng car mo, nakatayo ka kasi jan.”
MARIA: (nakapalda) “Eh ano naman ngayon kung nakatayo ako dito.”
JOHN: “Nasisilipan kasi kita.”

 

oOo

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