Monday Humor 03.26.12

** Courtesy of Mike

i love u more NO SEX IN SPANISH:
LALAKI: "Te gusta sex mi amor?" (gusto mo ng sex mahal?)
BABAE: "No quieres mi amor." (ayaw ko mahal)
LALAKE: "Porque te regla no pwede casta?" (di pwede may mens?)

QUESTION: Why is sex recommended by doctors for women?
ANSWER: Because it has meat and two eggs that will keep the body healthy and strong plus condensed milk to prevent osteoporosis.

Porke nanood ng PORN, MALIBOG na?
Di ba pwedeng nag-aappreciate ng ART muna?

First day, guy sitting with a girl
Second day with another girl
Third day with a different girl
MORAL: Women change but Men Never Change.

Making love means:
1. putting the lights off
2. shaking the bed
3. going to cr to wash
4. whispering sweet nothings
5. raising the temperature
6. body as one
7. twisting the arms and legs
8. having convulsions
9. moaning & panting
10. sweating it out

Woman asks God to make the Penis look pretty. God said, "No way! As it is now, the penis is so ugly and you still suck it. If I make it pretty, you’ll eat it up!"

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Marriage is a "WORKSHOP."
The husband
WORKS
and
the wife
SHOPS!

Minsan sa hirap ng buhay mapapasabi ka na lang ng..
"Hay buhay!"
Sa mga ganitong sitwasyon, dapat para kang kwan ng lalaki…
kelangan mong maging matigas para may marating kang maganda.

Reverse Psychology
JUAN: "Pedro pautang naman ng 2 Red Horse
PEDRO: "Wala na eh
JUAN: "Sayang naman ung isang bilaong pancit at crispy pata sa bahay.
PEDRO:" Naku naman di mo agad sinabi (sabay labas ng 2 Red Horse) kilala mo naman ako "pag sinabi kong wala.. meron"

-pagdating sa haus ni Juan-

PEDRO: "Juan asan na ung isang bilaong pansit at crispy pata mo?"
JUAN: "Naku naman Pedro kilala moko eh "Pag sinabi kong meron.. Wala."

ANAK: "Nay, buntis po aku."
NANAY: "Walang hiya ka. Pagkatapos kang bigyan ng maayos na buhay kahit hirap na kmi ng tatay mo, yan pa igaganti mo? Lumayas ka!"
ANAK: "Si Pacquiao po ang ama."
NANAY: "Aww. Joke lang anak. Pacheck-up tayo bukas ha? Samahan kita. Love you anak."

BADING: "Hi pogi crush kita… i love you."
POGI: "Ah ok."
BADING: "Wow you mean papatol kana sa tulad kong isang BADING?
Pogi: oo naman SUNTUKAN!"

BOY: "Gusto ko ikaw ang pinakamahirap na subject."
GIRL: "Bakit naman?"
BOY: "Para sayo lang ako babagsak!"

Vice Ganda maliligo sa POOL:
GUARD: "Mam maliligo ho kayo?"
VICE: "Ay hindi! maghihilamos lang ako sa pool. kakaloka!"
VICE: "Magkano kuya?"
GUARD: "Ang entrance po?"
VICE: "Ay hindi! ang exit. Di ba papasok palang ako! walang utak!"
GUARD: "Ako?"
VICE: "Hindi! yung pool!"

Always keep your wife’s picture as mobile screen-saver..
whenever you face a problem, look at the picture and say..
"If I can handle her, I can handle anything!"

Beauty Contest
QUESTION TO CANDIDATE NUMBER 1: "What can you say about the demoralization of our nation towards globalization?"
CANDIDATE NUMBER 1: "Thank you for that very beautiful and mind blowing question, and for that…….
I consider myself 4th runner-up. Thank you!"

PEDRO:"Balita ko, marami ka daw chicks!"
JUAN:"Oo, sampu lahat pero iisa lang ang mukha!"
PEDRO:"Puwede ba yun?"
JUAN:"Oo, lahat sila MUKHANG PERA!"

oOo

"Hindi baleng konti ang KAIBIGAN mo , ang mahalaga NANLILIBRE sila."

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