Tuesday Humor 01.22.13

TANONG: Bakit maraming retokadang babae na matanda?
SAGOT: Tumatagal ang buhay nila dahil hindi sila mamukhaan ni kamatayan.

keep calm


JUDGE: "Ikaw ay inaakusahang may 2 asawa. Alam mo ba ang parusa sa bigamy?"
LALAKI: "Oo,2 biyenan. Nagsisi na po ako!"

"Doc, I have sex only once a week!"
"How old are you?"
"I’m 80."
"You’re 80 and you have sex once a week, that’s great!"
"But Doc, my friend is also 80 and he says he has sex 3x a "week!"
"That’s not a problem. From now on for your peace of mind, you can go ahead and LIE just like him…"

Ms Venezuela who won the Miss Universe contest, was asked by the emcee:
EMCEE: "How would you greet the tourists in your country?"

LOLA: "May nanliligaw na ba sayo ‘neng?"
APO: "May boyfrend na po ako ‘la!"
LOLA: "Wag kang basta-basta nagbo-boyfrend ha. Dapat mabait."
APO: "Mabait po, lola."
LOLA: "Dapat may trabaho."
APO: "Meron din po, lola."
LOLA: "Mabuti naman at higit sa lahat dapat madasalin at maka-Diyos!"
APO: "Siyempre naman, lola. Ako pa! Nasa simbahan siya ngayon."
LOLA: "Kilala ko ba?"
APO: "Opo! Si Father po."

Boss to secretary..
BOSS: "Who told you that just because I took you out to dinner & kissed you a few times, you could neglect your work here & loaf around all day long?"
SECRETARY: "My lawyer!"

1. You work your entire life making money just to get a wife.
2. You have to act tough no matter your fears.
3. After buying a ring, you’ll need a woman to confirm whether you get married or not.
4. You spend millions to make your wedding a success, and your wife takes the glory.
5. You give money for housekeeping and you get to eat only dinner. 6. You spend hard earned money for your children and they grow up celebrating mother’s day.
7. You work extra hours after marriage.

Wife screams from bedroom & hubby runs in. He sees a guy leap out of window.
MRS: "That guy just fucked me twice!"
MR: "Twice? Why didn’t you call me the 1st time?"
MRS: "I thought it was you ’til he started the 2nd round!"

Husband texted his wife, "Hi babe. I will be late. Please try & wash my dirty clothes & don’t forget to prepare my favorite dish."
He sent another text, "I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in salary next month & I’m getting you a new car."
"OMG really?"
wife replied.
He texted back, "No! I just wanted to make sure that you got my first SMS."

Award Winning Ad of A Padded Bra Manufacturer:
"We create with cotton what God has forgotten."

Nagsuot ng bra si Nanay sa harap ng anak niyang binata…
MISTER: "Kadiri naman yang ginagawa mo eh. Huwag mo naman gawin yam sa harap ni junior."
MISIS: "Eh ano ba…anak ko naman yan, at sabi mo nakita mo rin suso ng nanay mo."
MISTER: "Hindi naman lawlaw yung sa nanay ko."
JUNIOR: "May point si tatay!"
MISIS: "Tangina ninyong dalawa!"

The average person tells 4 lies a day or 1460 a year; a total of 87,600 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is:

"I have read and agree with the terms and conditions."

Origins of Pinoy Desserts:
MAJA BLANCA: Who was Maja? And was she really white?
BARQUILLOS: Last time I checked, wafers are square.
PUTO BUMBONG: I guess they ran out of course words..
PULVORON: It’s sort of closed to pulverized.
LENGUA DE GATO: How many cats’ tongue for these cookies?
BRAZO DE MERCEDES: Who was Mercedes and does her arm really look like that?

A mosquito landed on my husband’s face.
Fastest decision I ever made in my life.

You never realize what you have till it’s GONE..
Toilet Paper is a prime example!

MISTER: "Babe, sabi ni doc, hindi na raw lalampas ang buhay ko."
MISIS: Hah? Huhuhu… gusto ko sabihin sayo na mahal na mahal kita sobra sa sobra, palagi mong tandaan yan ha."
MISTER: "Oo, tatandaan ko."
MISIS: "Gagawin ko lahat para lang mabuhay ka ikaw ang lahat sa akin, kung pwede lang kahit ipalit ko ang sarili kong buhay. Huhuhu!"
MISTER: "Promise?"
MISIS: "Promise! Huhuhu… teka ano pala sakit mo?"
MISTER: "Wala."
MISIS: "Bakit sinabi ni Dok na mamatay ka na?"
MISTER: "Nahuli niyang sini-sex ko misis niya."
MISIS: "Tangina, mamatay ka na nga!"

Guy told his girlfriend, "I opened a joint account so that we can put our money together."
"Aww, wanting to take our relationship to the next stage, are you?"
guy replied. "I’ve lost my job."

**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE




"May mga bagay na sa umpisa lang masaya."

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