Tuesday Humor 03.05.13

car washing

BREAKING NEWS: Erap to withdraw for Manila mayoralty post, decides to run instead for the coming vacancy for the next Pope.

Uy may bagong promo! 
Buy one bottle of pH Care and get for free, one sachet of NamNam ("dilang masarap malinamnammam") :p

Tatlong babae pinag-uusapan ang mga bf nila. 
GIRL1: “Yung bird ng boypren ko parang saging na saba.” 
GIRL2: “Wow. yung bird ng boypren parang pipino.” 
GIRL3: “Ay sus, wala pala kayo eh.. yung bird ng boypren ko parang siomai.” 
GIRL1: “Heh?” 
GIRL2: “Hahaha… ang liit naman nun.” 
GIRL3: “Ah yung laki ba ng bird pinaguusapan natin? Akala ko yung lasa.” 
 

LESSON: Huwag maging mayabang dahil baka ikaw pa ang mapahiya.

  A man brought and installed strobe lights in the bedroom and remarked, "It was great and it makes the wife look like she’s moving."

   "Kung gaano kahaba ang sa tatay mo, ganon din yun sa iyo…
    At yung sa tatay mo, ginagamit ng nanay mo…
    At yung sa iyo ay gagamitin din ng asawa mo.So, alam mo yon?
    Pero mali yong nasa isip mo, dahil ang tama ay…  APELEYIDO!
    Bad ka talaga ha kung anu-ano na lang ang nasa isipan mo.

A not very good looking lady went to a priest for advice. The priest told her that only after death will all men be hers. She went to a bridge, jumped and landed on a truck of bananas. She lost her senses and she touched her surroundings and felt bananas everywhere. 
She smiled and said, "Gentlemen, one at a time please!"

   A man and his family were eating at an expensive restaurant. The father asks the waitress to pack the leftovers for their dog. His young son exclaimed, "Whoopee! We’re going to get a dog!"

  MAN: “Baby, sometimes I want to call you in the midnight and tell you how much I love you..” 
  LADY: “And why don’t you?” 
  MAN: “Because I hear a voice that stops me to call you.” 
  LADY: “And what voice is that?!” 
  MAN: “A voice that says "your account balance is insufficient to make this call."

    ERAP testing PACQUIAO’S brain after his knockout:
    ERAP: “Saan ginagawa ang uling?”
    MANNY: “Sa coal center!”
    ERAP: “Ano tawag sa mga hotel na mataas?”
    MANNY: “Condom!”
    ERAP: Ano tawag sa yaya ni Nora?”
    MANNY: “Maid of aunor!”
    ERAP: “Ano tawag sa malaking kuarto ng hotel na may dancing?
    MANNY: “Bedroom!”
    ERAP: “Ano ang mas malaki pa sa city?”
    MANNY: “Utsu!”
    ERAP: “Ano sa Tagalog ang street?”
    MANNY: “Diritsu!”
    ERAP: “Ayos pa utak mo.. Continue boxing.”

   A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s mind..
    Because she changes it everyday.

  Smart women open their minds..
    Easy women open their legs..
    Foolish women open their hearts..
    But, in all cases, men only open ZIP.

   BOY: “Hey! may sasabihin sana ako sayo eh.. pwede ba kitang mahalin at gawing GF?” 
   GIRL: “Huh? Ok ka lang? Ano tingin mo sakin? Laruan? gagamitin mo lang! at pag sawa ka na, itatapon mo na lang bigla at babawalain! Tapos itatanong mo sa akin kung pwede mo kong mahalin at gawing GF? Oo naman siyempre! pwedeng pwede!”

   BOY: “Miss, nasaktan ka ba?” 
   GIRL: “Nye… luma na yan… dahil mukhang nahulog ako galing sa langit?” 
   BOY: “Hindi. mukha ka lang nahulog… una mukha!”

    If you want to be happy for a short time, GET DRUNK!
    If you want to be happy for a long time, FALL IN LOVE!
    But if you want to be happy forever DON’T EVEN THINK of these two!

    Dalawang promdi sumakay sa elevator..
    GARY: “Magkano ibabayad natin?”
    ANDOY: “Anong bayad? hayyy.. halatang di ka nakapagaral.. ang hina mo eh.”
    GARY: “Yabang mo naman..”
    ANDOY: “Nagsasabi lang ako ng totoo.. wag ka ngang lalayo sakin ha..”
    GARY: “Para tinatanong ko lang kung magkano ang ibabayad eh..”
    ANDOY: “Paano ko malalaman eh wala pa nga tayong ticket!”

   Niregaluhan ni Gf ng T-shirt si BF para sa bertday niya..
    GF: “Ano naman ang masasabi mo sa niregalo ko sayong t-shirt?”
    GF: “Hehehe, parang pekpek mo lang.”
    GF: “Dahil maganda?”
    BF: “Hindi.”
    GF: “Eh ano?”
    BF: “Maluwang.”

“Sabi ng mga babae, manloloko daw kaming mga lalake. Sasabibin daw naming mahal namin sila, pero hindi naman pala. Parang yung ibang babae lang, gluta ng gluta, akala namin tisay yun pala itim ang utong. Aba may damdamin din kami.” :)

  • .

** Jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“Kung nakakamatay ang umasa, matagal na akong patay.”

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