Wednesday Humor 03.13.13

HOST: “Anong PANGALAN mo?” 
GIRL: “KITKAT po.” 
HOST: “KITKAT! Ang tamis ng pangalan mo pero ang pakla ng itsura mo. Sa bagay mukha ka namang CHOCOLATE..” 
GIRL: “Tama…” 
HOST: “EXPIRED NGA LANG!”

A woman’s thoughts on her period.. 
    “my pussy is falling off”
    “i’m going to die”
    “wow this is dumb”
    “there goes a pair of my cutest underwear”
    “i’m going to kill myself”
    “why wasn’t i born a man”
    “aw cute! i woke up in a pool of my own blood”

JUAN: “Pare, buntis yung gf ko pero gumagamit naman ako lagi ng condom.”
TOTOY: “Halika pare, explain ko sa yo.” 
JUAN: “Sige.” 
TOTOY: “May isang lalake nasa gubat na may dalang payong. Ngayon, nakakita siya ng tigreng papalapit. Kinalabit niya ang pindutan ng payong niya at namatay ang tigre.” 
JUAN: “Hahaha… imposible yun pre, baka may ibang tumira sa tigre.” 
TOTOY: “Exactly!”

Ang lalake ay natural na BASKETBALL PLAYER :(
    mambobola
    mang-aagaw
    at higit sa lahat,
    gagawin ang lahat,
    makatira lang.

Beauty comes from within…
    Within jars, tubes, bottles and compacts.

duckface

SALESMAN: “The computer has a hard disk, CD ROM drive and 4 USB slots?” 
CUSTOMER: (giggles) “Sluts? Are you sure I’m gonna get 4 sluts along with the computer?” 
SALESMAN: “Yes, absolutely sir!” 
CUSTIMER: “Well, in that case, I’d like to order that computer then!”

PARE1: “Pare, hindi pala safe yang calendar method na yan. Nabuntis ang shota ko eh.” 
PARE2: “Paano ba ginawa mo?” 
PARE1: “Ginawa kong condom yun kalendaryo.”

Mag-ingat sa mga trapo. 
Mga patabaing baboy na ugaling buwaya na nagtatago sa anyo ng mga tupa!

Tagalog Akawnting Chart of Accounts:
    Asset – Ari
    Fixed asset – Aring nakatirik
    Liquid Asset – Aring tumutulo
    Written-off Asset – Aring Pinutol
    Depreciation – Pagkalaspag ng ari
    Tangible Asset – Aring nasasalat
    Erroneous Entry – Mali ang pagpasok
    Double Entry – Dalawa ang pinasukan.
    Multiple Entry – Labas -pasok
    Correcting Entry – Itinama ang pagpasok
    Reversing Entry – Baliktad ang paro
    Ang halay kaya di pwedeng puro Tagalog sa mga Accounting terms!

NANAY: “Anak, ano ba nangyayari sayo. 18 years old ka pa lang pero malala na ang almuranas mo.” 
ANAK: “Kasalanan mo ito inay.” 
NANAY: “Ako? bakit ako?” 
ANAK: “Conservative ka kasi!” 
NANAY: “Ano ang kinalaman nun?” 
ANAK: “Kaya sinabi ko sa boyfriend ko dapat virgin pa ako pag kinasal kami.” 
NANAY: “Ah kasalanan ko nga.”

Men look at boobs for the same reason a little kid looks at puppies in a cage. We both want to set them free and play with them!

INTERBYU:
    KORINA: “Why should people of Sarangani vote for Jinkee as Vice Govenor and your brother Rogelio for congressman?”
    PACQUIAO: “Mas mabuti ang bagong katulad nila sa politika, dahil wala pang sungay.”
    KORINA: “Paki English para sa foreign viewers natin.”
    PACQUIAO: “Well… you know, they are brand new, so they are not yet horny.”

The Vatican has erased Benedict XVI’s Tweets… all of them.
    Doing what the Catholic Church does best… Cover up!

In Japan, Guinness has named 114-year old Misao Okawa of Osaka as the world’s oldest woman. She eats everything and anything she wants. See, DIETING SHORTENS LIFE! 

** All above jokes courtesy of Mike B.

 

oOo

"In real life, di naman talaga natin ginagawa ang lahat, dahil ginagawa lang natin kung hanggang saan lang ang kaya natin."

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