Thursday Humor 03.14.13

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May dalawang matandang lalake na virgin. Kumuha sila ng prosti para maka experience..
JUAN: “O mauna na ako ha.”
PEDRO: “Ok pare.”
(sa loob ng kwarto)
PROSTI: “O isuot mo ‘to.”
JUAN: “Ano yan?”
PROSTI: “Condom, para di ako mabuntis.”
JUAN: “Ok.”
(Matapos si Juan, si Pedro naman at pinagsuot din ng condom. Makalipas ang isang buwan…)
PEDRO: “Sa tingin mo nabuntis natin yung prosti?”
JUAN: “Hindi siguro.”
PEDRO: “O sige, tanggalin na natin tong condom!”

JUAN: “Oi, kikiam yan ah! Pahingi naman!”
JOSE: “Nasaan ka nung oras na halos mapaso ako sa nagtatalsikan na mantika sa kawaling pinaglutuan nito. Nasaan ka, blah, blah, blah…”
JUAN: “Nakakulong kasi ako nun.. Nakapatay Ako Ng Madamot!”
JOSE: “Ganun ba? Sige kuha ka kahit ubusin mo lahat yan. May bagong salang pa oh.”

BOY: “Ang kagandahan mo parang password!”
GIRL: “Bakit?”
BOY: “Kasi ikaw lang ang nakakaalam!”

Aminin mo, mahirap mangulangot kapag bagong gupit ng kuko. :D

Sa gate ng isang mayamang pamilya. May bata na nagpipilit abutin ang door bell button. Kahit anong gawin niya hindi niya mapindot.
napadaan ang isang pari at tinulungan ang bata.

Pinindot ng pari at ngumiti siya sa bata. sabi ng bata: "Tara Father! takbo!"

Ang Boobs
by Mocha Uson
Ang boobs ay malambot, kay linamnam kung tingnan. Ang boobs ay makinis parang perlas ng silangan.
May boobs na maliit, malaki at katamtaman. Ngunit sa mga kalalakiha’y size ay walang kinalaman. Ang boobs ay mahalaga, kaya dapat ito’y alagaan.

Kapain, pisilin, hanapin kung may bukol.
Breast exam, lamas, biopsy o mamogram – Kapain mo ang boobs mo (o ng gf mo) upang breast cancer ay maiwasan.

Man complained to an office mate:
"I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol…
The other night they dropped me three times while carrying me to the car!"

Lesbian couple asked their neighbor what he wanted for his birthday. He told them and they gave him a Rolex.
The man thought they got confused when he told them, "I wanna watch."

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A furious pounding in a hotel room one night awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager was called and found an old man cursing and banging away on the wall.
"Stop that!" the manager said, "you’re disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!"
the old man spat. "It’s the first hard-on I’ve had in years, and both my hands are asleep!"

BOY: “Hapi birthday sweetie!”
GIRL: “Thank you so much baby.. so.. asan regalo mo sakin?”
BOY: “Nakita mo yung red Jaguar na naka park dun?”
GIRL: “Ohhh yes yesss! di ako makapaniwala!”
BOY: “Binili kita ng toothbrush, ganun ang kulay.”

Banat:
Hey Miss! Ang kilos mo at ganda ay parang martilyo.
Pang-POKPOK.

May magandang babae na pinagkaguluhan ng mga lalake sa isang party.
BOY1: “Miss kunin ko number mo.”
GIRL: “Marunong ka ba mag magic?”
BOY1: “Hindi eh.”
GIRL: “Pwes hindi pwede.”
BOY2: “Ako pwede ko ba kunin number mo?”
GIRL: “Marunong ka ba mag magic?”
BOY2: “Oo.”
GIRL: “Sige nga.”
BOY2: “Kumandong ka sakin.”
-kumandong si babae-
BOY2: “Nakikita mo itong dalawang kamay ko di ba?”
GIRL: “Oo”
BOY2: “Ready get set… boom.”
GIRL:  “Ang galing kinalabit mo yung pwet ko.”
BOY2: “O di ba magic.. no hands.”

NEW PINOY WORD:
    TEXTIMOSO ~  Yung taong nagbabasa ng Text kahit hindi naman niya cell phone.

 

** All of the above jokes courtesy of Mike B.

 

oOo

“Kapag nasasaktan ka na, lagi mo lang tatandaan yung sinasabi sayo ng magulang mo noong bata ka pa "Oh wag kang iiyak, kasalanan mo yan."

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