Thursday Humor 03.21.13

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Signage sa CR ng isang public market:
IHI………. P2.00
DUMI….. P5.00
PROMO…
UTOT…… LIBRE
Buti na lang may promo! 🙂

TODAY’S QUOTE
"I don’t have a dirty mind..
Just a sense of humor
with Adult Content."

What do women do after sex?
2% eat
3% smoke
4% sleep
5% take a shower
86% finish the job THEMSELVES.

A doctor didn’t find it humorous when a female patient drew penises and vaginas on the ends of all his tongue depressors. :

A Love Poem:
Roses are red,
Violets are corny
When I think of you
Ohhh babe I get horny,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
don’t be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty.

A woman to man staring at her:
"Stop undressing me with your eyes! Use your teeth!"

A passerby gave a condom to a beggar with a cardboard sign around his neck that read:
"Help! I have FIVE kids!"

MATH TEACHER: “Find the value of X.”
ERAP: “Ay sus! Ma’am naman! Hindi na dapat hinahanap ang value ng X! X na nga eh! Dapat, ang itinuturo niyo sa amin kung paano  mag MOVE ON! Hindi yung kung anu-ano ang ipinapaalala mo sa amin! Past is past! No need to discuss!”

PULIS: “Paano mo nagawang maka disgrasya ng higit ng 50 ka tao?”
PEDRO: “Ganito po sir. Nagmamaneho ako ng kotse nang mawalan ng brake.”
PULIS:” O tapos? “
PEDRO: “Kung kayo ang nasa katayuan ko, may nakita kayo sa kaliwa na may dalawang tao naglalakad at sa kanan naman may wedding at mga bisita. Alin ang sasagasaan niyo?”
PULIS: “Siyempre yung dalawang tao para minor damage.”
EDRO: “Yung ang nasa isip ko, ginawa ko nga. Dun ako sa dalawa dumeretso pero isa lang ang nasagasaan ko. Tumakbo yung isa sa kasalan kaya sinundan ko na!”

A couple was visited by a deep freezer salesman and they were unconvinced. The salesman said, "If you buy this freezer you will save on food bills enough to pay for the freezer."
Exasperated, the wife replied, "It is like this. We are paying for this house from what we saving on the rent. We are paying for cable TV on what we are saving from movie tickets. Not to mention the car for which we are paying on what save from taxi fares. We can’t afford to save anymore now!"

May isang babaeng nag grocery.
Bumili siya ng:
-2 kartong ng low fat milk
-10 yoghurt
-2 plastic ng salad
-1 bote ng lotion
-10 roll ng tissue paper
-1 bote ng shampoo
-3 deodorant
Habang nagbabayad siya sa counter may lasing na nakapila sa linya at nakatingin sa mga pinamili niya..
LASING: “Miss, single ka noh?”
(namangha ang babae dahil tama ang lasing at tiningan ang pinamili niya dahil baka may nabili siyang pang single na tao lang)
BABAE: “Ang galing! Tama ka! Paano mo nahulaan na single ako?”
LASING: “Ang pangit mo eh!”

Lalake namanhikan.
TATAY: "Huh? Nguya ka ng bubble gum habang hinihingi mo ang kamay ng anak ko? Wala kang respeto!"
LALAKE: "Ngumunguya lang ako after drinking."
TATAY: "Lasenggo ka?!"
LALAKE: "Naglalasing ako pag nasa club ako."’
TATAY: "At pumunta ka pa sa club?"
LALAKE: "Opo. Umpisa nung galing ako sa kulungan. nakapatay ako noon."
TATAY: "Killer ka pala!"
LALAKE: "Dahil po sa galit, nung ayaw pumayag yung tatay ng ex ko na ikasal kami.’
TATAY: "Ah, ehh, welcome to the family hijo!"

 

** All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“Alam mo sa sarili mong gusto mo pa siya pero buti na lang at napagod ka na.”