Friday Humor 03.22.13

enrile

Titser, doktor at pulitiko nasa impyerno.
TITSER: “Boss, patawag naman sa DepEd. Isang oras lang magkano?”
SATANAS: “500 pesos.”
DOKTOR: “Boss Taning ako din. Tatawag ako sa ospital. Magkano?”
SATANAS: “600!
POLITIKO: “Namimiss ko na ang Batasan. Patawag nga?”
SATANAS: “Sige, libre lang!”
POLITIKO: “Ba’t libre?”
SATANAS: “Hell to Hell call kasi eh kaya libre.”

MISIS: “Hon! Ba’t duguan ang kamay mo? Ano nangyare?
MISTER: “Nakapatay ako ng limang lamok hon. Tatlong babae, dalawang lalake.”
MISIS: “Sus! Pano naman nalalaman kung babae o lalake?”
MISTER: “Yung tatlo kasi hon, lumilipad-lipad sila sa harap ng salamin. Yung dalawa nakadapo sila sa bote ng beer.”

A lady ask 200 pesos from her husband so she could go to the beauty parlor.
Husband looked at her from top to bottom and then gave her five thousand pesos. 😀

Tragedy Of Life For Women..
Nice Men Are Ugly..
Sexy Men Aren’t Nice..
Sexy and Nice Men Are Married..
Sexy, Nice and Unmarried Men Are Gay..

May isang pangit na babaeng dumadrama sa isang gwapo habang nasa cinema..
BABAE
: “Ayy… grabe nakakatakot itong pinapanood natin.”
LALAKE: “Horror nga eh.”
BABAE: “Saluhin mo ko kapag nahimatay ako ha.”
LALAKE: “Ang drama mo.”
BABAE: “OMG, nahihirapan na akong huminga.”
LALAKE: “Kung nahihirapan ka talaga, itigil mo na!”

 
LESSON: Wag maging ma drama lalo na kung pangit ka.

Just before a dentist inject the needle into a patient’s gums, he says..
"So Let’s do this ‘Gum-Numb Style!" 😀

A three year old boy complained his sister..
"I saw Dad with Mom last night..
I think he was stealing my milk!"

PARE1: “Pare, may inuwi akong babae sa bahay. Aasawahin ko na. Kilala ko lang kahapon.”
PARE2: “Ang bilis naman, pre!”
PARE1: “Oo pre, maganda eh, pero matatakutin siya!”
PARE2: “Panu mo nasabi?”
PARE1: “Biruin mo yun, maliligo lang sa banyo, magpapasama pa sakin!”

  •  

What comes into your mind when a girl says,
"I touched the ground with my hands for 15 minutes while he was standing behind me."?

Sa Mga Kababaihan:
Huwag na huwag niyong sasabihang ng FUCK YOU ang mga KALALAKIHAN..
Baka kasi kayo saguting ng WHEN and WHERE.

Nahuli ng Teacher:
TEACHER: “Hoy, Juan! Anong sinasatsat mo kay Maria? Di ka nakikinig.”
JUAN: “May tinatanong lang ako po Ma’am.”
TEACHER: “Ba’t sa kanya ka nagtatanong? Ako ang teacher. Ako tatanungin mo.”
JUAN: “Okay, Ma’am. Ano po kulay ng utong niyo?”

Maliit ba alaga mo?
Payong kapatid. Walang kahit anong pagkain, ehersisyo o gamot ang makakapagpalaki ng pagkalalake. Masusustansyang pagkain at madalas na pagehersisyo ang sagot para mapabuti ang pangkahalatang kalusugan ng katawan at ng sex life.

Trivia..
Condoms these days have more flavors than ice cream.

Dalawang seksi nakaupo na tila may hinintay. Lumapit ang isang lalake.
LALAKE: “Pwede niyo ba akong samahan sa aking hotel room?”
2 SEXY: “Oh sure! Pag kami nakasama mo, para kang tumama sa lotto!”
Nang nasa kuwarto na sila, naghubad silang tatlo.
Aba’y parang sa lotto nga, lumabas ang anim na BOLA!

Sagot sa survey ng mga single at married na lalake sa tanong na "Ano yung una mo tinitingnan kapag may dumaan na seksing babae?"

Sagot ng mga Single:
35% ang nagsabing tinitingnan nika una ang mukha
30% ang nagsabing tinitingnan nila ang boobs
20% ang nagsabing tinitingnan nila ang pwet
15% ang nagsabing tinitingnan nila una ang legs

Sagot na mga Married:
100% ang nagsabing tinitingnan nila kung nakatingin ang mga asawa nila

 

** All above jokes courtesy of MIKE.B

 

oOo

"Pinagbigyan mo ng isang beses tapos uulit-ulit. Ano yun? UnliSorry?"

#TeamKris

 

Sa dalawang KASHITAN na pinag-uusapan mula pa yata noong isang araw sa buong Pilipinas, yung tungkol kay (1) Chiz Escudero–Heart Evangelista (2) James Yap-Kris Aquino, dito sa James-Kris na usapin ako mas interesado. Hehe!

At bilang isang aminado na CHISMOSA, tutok to the max ako sa ingay ng kashitan ng dating mag-asawa.

Heniweys, wa ako pakels sa sasabihin ng iba, basta Team Kris ako. Period!

Kever kung masuka, maumay at magtae kayo sa kababasa ng tungkol kay KRIS basta bibigyan ko pa rin sya ng espasyo sa blog ko at iko-quote ko pa rin ang mga tweets na tungkol sa kanya ng isa sa mga personalidad na kina-AALIWAN ko ng sobra sa Twitter – si Nunca Valderama. Pareho kasi kami ng manok. 😀

 

PART 1 – March 21, 2013

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“I read before that "There are two kinds of men you don’t eff with: Those who are into women & those into men. Find the one who is into YOU".”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama 

“My favorite Tita Cory once told Tetay: "For someone so intelligent, bakit pagdating sa lalake, napakaboba mo?"

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Yes, Tetay Aquino is an intelligent woman but when it comes to her man, she gives it all. Hindi siya nagtira for her self. She gambled all.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“James Yap is CLEARLY not into Kris. He is into women. He is into comfort. He is into Kris’ millions. Proof? The 50/50 agreement. #GoldDigger”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama 

“But Tetay AQUINO like a true child of law, did not even prolong the case but GAVE what James demanded. Millions she toiled in hard SWEAT.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Did Tetay ever used her MEGAWATT influence to get even with James Yap? A FAT NO. Mr James Yap plays for San Miguel to this day. Now tell me

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama 

“James Yap’s love for Tetay was MEASURED during their annulment case. And boy, he FAILED when he demanded 50% of Tetay’s OWN money.

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“If James Yap truly loved Tetay, even if the law was on his side, he wouldn’t demand $$$ he didn’t truly deserve. That is GOLD DIGGING!

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“You have to realize that Tetay’s millions is not from the "katas of Hacienda Luisita" but from her years of pagpupuyat and pagsusumikap.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama 

“In short, the millions that Tetay gave and PAID James is from the blood, sweat and tears of this self-made woman. You should remember that!”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“The mere FACT that Tetay did not REQUIRE James to sign a Pre-Nuptial agreement is TESTAMENT to her true intention that she loves him 200%.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Tetay Aquino was MEASURED when she entered the marriage without any protection from the law. That is the true meaning of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“And James Yap used that to his advantage when they separated by DEMANDING $$ he did NOT clearly deserve. Now tell me who is the MANIPULATOR!”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“How dare James Yap use the "Malacañan card" on this current saga. It is NOT in the character of the Aquinos to power-trip. We all know that!”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Now let’s go to the request for Permanent Protection Order that Tetay filed in Makatí court. She was given a Temporary PO for 30 days.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Republic Act 9262 or The Anti-Violence against Women and their Children provides redress for violations of the rights of women & their kids.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“The RA penalizes an act committed against a FORMER WIFE which result in psychological harm or suffering thru acts of COERCION or HARASSMENT.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“James Yap tried to kiss Tetay in her very swanky One Roxás Triangle apartment which traumatized her. What a douchèbag this James. Horrors!”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama 

“And you have stupid fans now who are hating Tetay for making "api" James. QUE BARBARIDAD naman dear fans. MAG-ISIP cayo! Mga boba! Mga gago!”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“What is equality? It is treating equal the rich and the poor EQUAL in the eyes of the law. Let us be fair to Tetay in this case.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Let us NOT use it against her that just because her brother is the President, she does not have any right of redress against that James Yap.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Tetay Aquino like every Juan De La Cruz and Pacita Santos have the RIGHT to be heard in court and be given remedy. That is equality.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“When you’re on the side of truth, you can touch the sky. Rise, Tetay. Good night and good luck! Xx”

PART 2 – March 22, 2013

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“I BELIEVE Tetay 1000%. She is CREDIBLE, HONEST and is a GREAT MOTHER. Can the gutter James Yap say the same? A FAT NO. Let me enumerate why.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Who is James Yap? To say he is a MAN is a lie. Binaboy niya ang pagkababae ni Kris & their marriage when he allowed Hope to suck his cock.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Niyurakan ni James Yap the unconditional love Tetay gave her when he DEMANDED and GOT 60 MILLION of Tetay’s blood, sweat and tears.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Tetay Aquino NEVER discounted her love for James when she embraced his uncouth family even INVITING her "Mom-in-law" to live in One Roxas.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Pero ano ang ginawa ni James? He LIVED like a King. Sinandalan niya ang cayod calabaw na si Tetay. He NEVER paid for electricity nor food.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“To quote my Yaya no. 2 last night who is so MAD on James "Titi lang ang puhunan ni James". He doesn’t have the qualities of a good father.” 

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“I recommend SOLE CUSTODY of Bimby to Tetay. To allow James to be with Bimby is to allow him to POLLUTE his son, a potential President.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“Do we need another James Yap in this country? A FAT NO. Bimby should grow into the loving household of the Aquinos and NOT with this player.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“No good mother will allow her son to grow in an environment of hate. Bimby deserves to live in peace. To find his own road in this world.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“The character of James Yap is dubious. Remember when he hit a PBA player na "patraydor" and he ran away. Is that a quality of a GENTLEMAN?”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“But Tetay Aquino has balls. The type of people who usually hates her are the inggiteras, social climbers, idiots, crabs, & the pretentious.”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama 

“Now tell me! Are you hating Tetay because you envy her life? You envy that millions love her? And that you will never have her prominence?”

Nunca Valderama ?@NuncaValderama

“To the haters of Tetay, you will never win. Your obscurity will eat you up. May you all rest in peace. (((hyena laugh)))”

 

 

oOo

"Mga buwiset kayo, Kris and Heart!!" – Sultan Kiram