Monday Humor 03.25.13

wrong direction

JUAN: “Pare, ayos yung chik na kasama mo ah. Ang ganda at sexy. Ano name niya?”
PEDRO: “Jenny, pare. Alam mo may kambal yan. Naghahanap ng boyfriend.. Gusto mo?”
JUAN: “Oo naman. Ano name niya?”
PEDRO: “Jude.”

Paano mo malalaman kung social climber ang isang babae?
1. Picpicturan muna ang food bago kainin. Kulang nalang picturan ang tt bago kainin.
2. Magaaya sa japanese o chinese resto tapos di marunong ng chopsticks.
3. Kailangan may kotse ang manlilgaw o boylet, di naman marunong buksan ang pintuan. Hindi garahe ang pekpek niyo.
4. Maselan sa pagkainan, samantalang sa bahay nila dahon ng saging nagplaplato.
5. Pag kumain sa resto, limang pisong sukli ayaw pang ipaubaya bilang tip ng waiter. Ang mastindi, kahit turo-turo di pinalamlampas.
6. Party nang party, akala may class siya pag ganun. Tanga! Naghahanap ng gangbang party.

Mister, misis at ang hijo unico nila nagpunta sa park. Bumili sila ng sorbetes.
MISTER: “Ah gusto ko ng chocolate, ikaw dear ano ang gusto mo?”
MISIS: “Strawberry lang.”
MISTER: “Hoy Ulo! Ano gusto mong flavor ng ice cream?”
(nagulat ang sorbetero sa tawag ng ama sa anak)
Sorbetero: “Sir, mawalang galang na po. Bakit Ulo ang tawag niyo sa anak niyo?”
MISTER: “Ganito yun, 3 bagay lang naman gusto nating mga lalake sa buhay. Una, magarang kotse, ikalawa, malaki at magandang bahay at ikatlo, isang masikip na kepyas. Meron akong lahat ng ito hanggang dumating sa buhay namin itong si ULO!”

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"The pen is mightier than the sword,
but the tongue of a wife is the sharpest of all."

A man, after being hurt, calls 117 for help.
MAN: “Operator, operator, call me an ambulance.”
OPERATOR: “Okay, sir, you’re an ambulance!”

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A Professor’s Lamentation..
"I don’t mind when my students look at their watches during my lectures..
but I get hurt when they remove their watches and shake it to see if it’s working." :(

Sa classrom:
GURO: “Ikaw Juan, kung may date ka na magandang babae, kumakain kayo, tapos napapaihi ka. Ano ang sasabihin mo?”
JUAN: “Saglit lang, ha? Iihi lang ako.”
GURO: “Mali. Ikaw, Pedro, ano ang sasabihin mo?”
PEDRO: “Excuse me pero pupunta lang ako ng cr.”
GURO: “Mali din yun. Bastos yun kasi kumakain kayo. Ikaw naman batang makulit? Pwede ba sa pagkakataong ‘to mag seryoso ka? Ano sasabihin mo sa ka date mo?”
BATANG MAKULIT: “Miss beautiful, sorry kung aalis ako saglit. Makikipag shake hands lang ako sa bestfriend ko. Don’t worry, mamaya ipapakilala kita sa kanya.”

ERAP: “Yesterday, your police arrested me for tampering with the ATM!”
MAYOR LIM: “What did you do?”
ERAP: “It asked me to enter the PIN and I inserted a safety pin.”

2 Arabs board a shuttle flight. One sat in by a window and the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat Israeli took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes and was settling in when the Arab by the window said, "I’ll get a soda."
"No problem, I’ll get it for you,"
said the Israeli.
While he was gone, the Arabs spat on his shoes. The Israeli returned with the soda and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Israel got into his shoes and said, "How long must this animosity between our people… this spitting in shoes and peeing in sodas?"

Signage seen in Cebu..
"BILAT NI CARMEN
A Comfortable Haven in Tropical Cebu"

Wife bought a lovely Rolex watch for her husband’s birthday. "Do you like it?" she asks.
He replied, "It’s great! It’ll remind me of your pussy."
She laughs and says, "Is that because its exclusive and sexy?"
He replies, "No, it’s a bit tight around my wrist."

Police officers Joe and Mary were walking on their beat when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after the gym and the shower, I forgot my panties! Let’s go back to the station." George, "No need to, just give Fido, our K-9 here a sniff and he’ll get it for you." So Mary lifted her skirt and Fido’s nose shoots between her legs and sniffs.
The dog then run towards the station. 5 minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog hasn’t returned. 15 minutes passed and they heard sirens. They saw Fido, chased by police cars, with the Desk Sergeant’s ball in his mouth.

Bob is injured in an accident and admitted to a hospital. He ends up in a men’s ward, next to Joe and Phil.
Phil yells out to a nurse, "Miss, I need to pee!" The nurse comes over and says, "Please don’t talk like that here. Say I need to do number 1."
Some time later, Joe yells, "Nurse, I need to shit!" The nurse comes over and says, "Please don’t talk like that. Say I need to do number 2."
Some time later, Bob calls the nurse and whispers, "Miss, I need to shit but haven’t been given a number yet."

A priest visiting a small village asks a young boy to direct to a church he’s going preach that night. After giving him directions, "Come along tonight and bring your family."
"What for?" asks the boy.
"Because I will tell you how to go to heaven."
"You must be joking,"
the boy laughs. "You don’t even know how to get to church!"

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“Akala mong love story na binubuo ninyong dalawa, toy story lang pala sa kanya.”

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