Sunday Humor 04.07.13

 

nut baby

*

Nakabili ng isang pares na parrot ang lalake. Lalaki at babae, parehas ng kulay. Pagdating sa bahay nalito siya, gusto niyang malaman ang kasarian ng dalawa.
Mga ilang araw nakalipas, nakita niya ang parrot na pumatong sa isa at nalaman niya na lalake kaya ginupitan sa ulo.
Kinabukasan, dumating may dumating na bisitang kalbo at sabi ng parrot, “Hoy sir, nahuli ka din ba na tumira?”

*

A man come home from work and told his wife’ “I have been given a big promotion which entitles me to have my own office and my own secretary.”
Wife said, “Please look for an ugly secretary who has smelly armpits and dresses like an old woman so you won’t be tempted to have an affair.”
The husband replied, “Fair enough. When do you wanna start?”

*

DAUGHTER: “What is marriage?”
MOTHER: “Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore…”

*

TANONG: Ano ang reaksyon niyo sa balitang hindi BOTO ang parents ni Heart Evangelista kay Chiz?
SAGOT: Baka naman concerned lang talaga? Baka din naman members sila ng UNA nila Erap at Binay?

*

The medical profession has taken the fun out of life. Look at the SYMPTOMS THEN and the DIAGNOSIS NOW:
1. Irregular heartbeat
SYMPTOMS: Love
DIAGNOSIS: Ventricular fibrillation and M. I.

2. Trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
SYMPTOMS: Love
DIAGNOSIS: Parkinson’s Disease

3. Constant smiling.
SYMPTOMS: Love
DIAGNOSIS: Bell’s palsy

4. Insomnia
SYMPTOMS: Love
DIAGNOSIS: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia

5. Inability to stop think about him/her
SYMPTOMS: Love
DIAGNOSIS: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

6. Absent mindedness
SYMPTOMS: Love
DIAGNOSIS: Early onset of Alzheimer

7. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls
SYMPTOMS: Love
DIAGNOSIS: Multiple Sclerosis

*

May period ang pokpok pero kailangan niya ng pera at kaya humanap siya ng lasing sa bar at dinala sa motel. Kinabukasan nagising ang lalake at wala na ang pokpok. Pagtingin niya sa kamay, puro dugo. Nagpanic at sinabi, “Diyos ko, napatay ko siya!”
Tumakbo siya sa banyo at nakita niya ang sarili sa salamin na madugo ang bibig. Sumigaw siya, “KINAIN KO SIYA!”

*

Sa mall. Guy kasama ang gf.
GUY: “Pare, meet my girlfriend Tina.”
JAN: “Matagal ko na siyang kilala pare. hehe… lagi nga kaming nahuhuling natutulog magkatabi eh.”
GUY: “Saan at kelan?”
JAN: “Sa math class nung elementary, boring yung teacher eh.”

*

ECONO GIRLS:
Eto yung mga babaeng tinitipid, kinukuriputan, kantot lang ang habol sa kanila at halatang kabit lang.
Kaya sa susunod pag narinig mo ang ka-date mong sinabi na “Miss, econo. SHORT TAYM,” alam mo na ha?
Isa kang “SHOTA,” short for “SHORT TAYM.” 🙁

*

Bumaba daw ang mga kaso ng rape sa buong bansa..
Bakit…
Kasi yung iba pumapayag na lang? 🙁

*

You know why women love shoes?
Because no matter how much and whatever they eat, the shoes Always Fit!

*

Mechanic to his customer:
“Hey lady, I couldn’t fix your brakes…So I made your horn REALLY LOUD.”

*

WIFE: “Watcha doin today?”
HUSBAND: “Nothing!”
WIFE: “You did that yesterday.”
HUSBAND: “I wasn’t finished!”

*

The man looked a bit worried at his annual medical checkup. The doctor asked what’s troubling him.
“You see,” he replied, “I seem to be forgetful. I can’t remember where I parked my car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what I’m going to do once I get there. What can I do?”
In the kindest voice, the doctor said, “Pay me in advance.”

*

Taga maynilang babaeng ang nakapangasawa ng taga visayas, dinala ni mister si misis sa probinsya. Pag bumili si misis ng chicken legs inaangat niya lang ang palda niya at ipapakita ang hita para maintindihan ng tindera. Isang araw gusto niyang bumili ng saging, dinala niya si mister sa palengke.

Bakit?

Dahil nagsasalita si mister ng bisaya!

*

Sex is like a gas station, sometimes you get full service, sometimes you gotta ask for service and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.

*

A Franciscan, a Dominican and Jesuit were celebrating mass when the lights suddenly went out in a church.
The Franciscan praises the chance to live more simply.
The Dominican gives a learned homily on God as the Light of the world.
The Jesuit goes to Master Electrical Board to fix the fuse.

*

Three people having sex is a threesome.
Two is a twosome.
So next time someone calls you HANDSOME, don’t take it as a compliment!

*

Hindi naman ganun ka malas ang mga pangit.
At least, makakaiwas sila sa rape.

*

McDonald’s is making a deep fried pickle covered in a batter…
They are going to name it the –
Mc Dill Dough!

*
Isang araw, nabasa kong masama ang sigarilyo, agad itinigil ko ang paninigarilyo.
Sumunod na araw, nabasa kong masama ang alak, agad itinigil ko ang paginom ng alak.
Nung mga sumunod pang araw, nabasa kong masama ang pagmasturbate, hay naku!
Itinigil ko ang pagbabasa, MASAMA ANG PAGBABASA!

*
Mga dre…
tangkilikin natin ang party list na ito..
Iboto!
P. U. K. I.
Party List
Pambansang Unyon ng Kalalakihang Inaapi

 

** All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

 

oOo

“Hindi man ako ang taong pinapangarap mo, pero mamahalin kita ng higit pa sa inaakala mo.”

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