Wednesday Humor 04.10.13

 

popcorn

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”,
he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?”,
she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

A male whale produces 8 – 9 thousand gallons of semen, and the female takes only 10% of it.
And you expect the sea water ‘not’ to be salty.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

GIRL: "Baby I am wet."
BOY: "Want a paper towel?"
GIRL: "No, I want more than that."
BOY: "Want 2 paper towels?"
GIRL: "No, baby I want something big and round."
BOY: "Damn, you want the whole roll?"

It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: “Will we ever need this stuff in real life?”
The professor gently smiles and says: “Of course not – if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at McDonald’s!”

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”
The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”
The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.
WIFE: “Windows frozen.”
HUSBAND: “Pour some warm water over them.”
WIFE: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

A man called his friend’s house and a small voice greeted him.
“Is your Daddy there?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Could I speak with him?”
“He’s busy,” the little voice replied.
“Well, can I speak to your mother?”
“Nope, she is busy, too.”
“Well then, let me talk with your brother.”
“He’s busy, too.”
“For goodness sakes, what are they so busy doing?”
“They are looking for me!”

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says: “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviour. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

One morning a kindergarten teacher was teaching her class how to spell simple, three-letter words, such as cat. When she hinted that there was a vowel in the middle, one little boy asked what a vowel was. Before she could answer, six-year old Nick chimed in, "You know what a vowel is! Those letters you buy on Wheel of Fortune!"

** All of the above jokes courtesy of WS.

Dalawang baliw ang nagpanggap na gumaling na sila. Hinarap na nila ang nurse.
NURSE: “May dagat sa harap niyo, sige langoy!”
(tumalon agad ang isa at lumangoy sa buhangin, napansin ng nurse ang isa na nakaupo lang)
NURSE: “Hindi mo ba sasamahan ang kaibigan mo?”
PASYENTE: “Gusto mo akong malunod? Di ako marunong lumangoy!”

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery with his wife sitting by his side.
His eyes opened and he said, "You’re beautiful!" and then fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before so she stayed by his side. An hour later, his eyes opened and he said, "You’re cute!"
The wife said, "What happened to beautiful?"

He replied, "Anesthesia is wearing out!"

May mag asawa na namimingwit ng isda at maya-maya napansin nila na may palapit na coast guard.
MISIS: “Paano na, nahuli natin 4 na isda dapat 3 lang? Balik ko sa dagat ang isa?”
MISTER: “Wag sayang, ulam natin yan mamaya.”
MISIS: “Ano ang gagawin ko?”
MISTER: “Itago mo sa panty mo ang isa.”
MISIS: “Eh pano yung amoy? Ang baho.”
MISTER: “Takpan mo yung ilong ng isda!”

Dahil ba mas maraming babae ang nagrereklamo tungkol sa mga lalake, ibig sabihin ugali na ng lalake ang problema?

…Hindi ba pwedeng sadyang ma-reklamo lang ang mga babae? :

HUSBAND: “I can never be a perfect husband, but no matter what happens between us, I will always love you.
Now put that gun down and we’ll talk…" :p

Answers in Exams by a non-medical student.
1. Antibody – one who hates his body.
2. Artery – study of fine paintings
3. Bacteria – back door of a cafeteria
4. Coma – punctuation mark
5. Gall bladder – bladder of a girl
6. Genes – denims
7. Labor pains – hurt at work
8. Liposuction – French kiss
9. Ultrasound – rock sounds
10. Cardiology – advance study of playing cards

BOY: “Bakit hindi mo pa ako sinasagot?”
GIRL: “Ganun talaga kapag dalagang pilipina… mahinhin, konserbatibo at matagal magpaligaw.”
BOY: “Pero mahal kita.”
GIRL: “Mahal mo ba talaga ako?”
BOY: “Oo mahal na mahal.”
GIRL: “Kaya mo bang isigaw sa buong mundo na mahal mo ako?”
BOY: “Oo… kayang kaya.”
GIRL: “Sige nga patunayan mo.”
BOY: (bumulong sa tenga ni girl) “Mahal kita.”
GIRL: “Bakit sakin mo lang binulong?”
BOY: “Ikaw kasi ang mundo ko eh.”
GIRL: “Wow ha… hilahin ko titi mo diyan eh!”

Habang nagsesex..
GIRL: “Ooh… ahh… gaano mo ako kamahal?”
BOY: “Ooh… ahh… tumingin ka sa langit ngayon at bilangin mo ang mga bituin… ganun kita kamahal.”
GIRL: “Ooh… ahh… sweet mo naman.”
BOY: “Talaga… aaaaahhhhh” (climax)
GIRL: “Teka… umaga ngayon at walang bituin.
BOY: “Ganun na nga” (sabay uwi)

LESSON: Minsan ang nakakabit sa matamis na salita ay ang mapait na katotohanan.

NOON: “Hindi lahat ng magsyota naghahalikan..”
NGAYON: “Hindi lahat ng naghahalikan MAGSYOTA.”

May mga taong tinatanong ka lang dahil CURIOUS sila, hindi dahil CONCERN sila!

Ang tawag dun..TSISMOSA.

Pumunta ang isang matandang lalake sa isang salamankero.
LALAKE: “Mahigit 40 years na akong nabubuhay sa ilalim ng isang sumpa. Pwede mo bang tanggalin ito sa buhay ko?”
SALAMANGKERO: “Pwedeng-pwede. Pero kailangan mong sabihin sakin ang eksaktong mga salita na ginamit sa sumpa.”
LALAKE: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

KRIS: “James, sinasaktan mo ako.”
BIMBY: “Mommy, di ka pa hinahawakan ni Daddy, huwag kang OA.”

MOTHER: “John, I’m sorry that you don’t know your real father.”
JOHN: “Mum, how could you? You should be hanged!”
MOTHER: “I am sorry dear, he’s my first love and we couldn’t marry because of religious differences. He’s on the phone and he wants to speak to you.”
JOHN: “No, ain’t speaking to no one!”
MOTHER: “Please don’t be upset. Just talk to him.”
JOHN: “Ok, I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
On the phone: “Good morning, son! Bill Gates here. I’m your father.”
JOHN: “Dad! Dad! Dad! Thank God! Love you so much Dad!”

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE. B.

oOo

“Kapag ako naglambing! Pati asin, lalanggamin!”

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