Thursday Humor 05.02.13

maniac

Ayon sa mga eksperto mula sa Harvard University, halos 98% ng taong mabubuti ay may napakaitim na kili-kili…
Mabuting tao ka rin ba?

QUESTION: How do you make a woman fat?
ANSWER: Marry her!

HUSBAND: "I’ve been thinking… I’m the MAN of this house, so starting tomorrow I want you to have a hot, delicious meal ready for me the second I walk through that door… Afterwards, while watching ESPN and relaxing in my chair, you’ll bring me my slippers and then run my bath… and when I’m done with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?"
WIFE: "The funeral director."

A guy’s favorite bar is called Sally’s Legs. The bar is closed, so he waits for it to open. After a time, a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The guy replies, "I’m waiting for Sally’s Legs to open!"

Hiwalayan..
GIRL: "Ayoko na sayo babaero ka masyado at wala kang time sakin at hindi mo ako mahal! huhuhu…"
BOY: "Mahal kita wala akong babae, kahit ipaputol mo pa tong dalawang kamay. mahal na mahal kita!"
GIRL: (tigil ang iyak) talaga ganun mo ako kamahal?"
Boy: "Oo naman!"
GIRL: "Sige nga paputol mo nga etits mo!"
BOY: "Marami akong babae, hindi kita mahal."

One night a man with grandson shouts, "I need a woman, I have a hard-on!"
Grandson replies:
"1st, it’s too late.
2nd, you’re 75 years old.
3rd, the cock you’re holding is mine!"
Angry wife to her husband:
"Shut up! I wear heels longer than your dick!"

An exasperated mother whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For heaven’s sake, come in or stay out!"

MISIS: "Doc, tulungan niyo po ako kasi akala ng asawa ko butiki siya."
DOCTOR: "Ganun ba? Dapat sinama mo dito para ma check-up ko."
MISIS: "Bukas na lang po. Nasa kisame pa, pinapaubos ko pa yung lamok!"

Ang Pagdumi daw ay TAWAG NG KALIKASAN..
So… Kapag fart?
MISSED CALL?!

Sa dinami dami nating pinagaaralan sa kasaysayan at araling panlipunan..
Sa EQ diapers lang pala nagaway si Lapu-lapu at Magellan…
At nauwi pa sa patayan!

Isang araw, si juan at maria ay nag-aayos at nagiimpake ng gamit.
JUAN: "Saan ka pupunta?"
MARIA: "Sa mama ko.. eh ikaw?"
JUAN: "Eh di sa mama ko rin!"
MARIA: (sumigaw) "Eh paano yung mga bata, iiwan mo?"
JUAN: "Pupunta ka sa mama mo, pupunta ako sa mama ko! Hayaan mo silang pumunta rin sa mama nila!"

Si Pocholo isang 1st grader ay late nakauwi ng bahay…
TATAY: "Bakit ang tagal mong umuwi bata ka! alam mo ba kung anong oras na?
POCHOLO: "Kasi po ‘tay yung klasmeyt ko nawala ang kanyang P50 eh.."
TATAY: "Tinulungan mo ba sa paghahanap?"
POCHOLO: "Hindi po ‘tay.."
TATAY: "Bakit hindi ka pa umuwi?"
POCHOLO: "Hinintay ko kasi umuwi yung klasmyt ko eh.. tinapakan ko pa yung P50 niya para di niya mahanap.."
TATAY: "Grrrrrrrrr"

For women..
It was discovered that wearing two inch heels may improve the strength of the pelvic muscles which helps you orgasm…
So men buy heels for your women.

Medical Clinic:
KIKO: "Dra, what is  premature ejaculation?"
Dra. Holmes: "Oh, its when u start squirting while she’s still flirting!"

 

** All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

"Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo, wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka."

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