Monday Humor 05.13.13

Ponder on this:
One plus one equals three
When you don’t wear a condom.

condom ads

NGAYON na ang election…
Anong pipiliin niyo?
Ang Tamang Daan
o
Ang LIMANG daan? :p

Mga Kababayan, kami po’y kumakatok sa inyong mga puso na sa darating na halalan ang Partylist na-
"Ang Mga LUSLOS"
Kailangan po ng tunay na mga SUPPORTERS!

Isang binata ang pinaghihinalaan nasisiraan ng bait dinala sa mental hospital. Walang tigil na humahagikgik at humahalakhak.
DOKTOR: "Ano name mo?"
LALAKE: "Bads po."
DOKTOR: "Sino mga kasama mo sa bahay?"
BADS: "Si nanay, tatay at may kakambal ako. Magkamukha kami na parang pinagbiyak na tulya. Kaya sa school kapag may exam ako, siya ang kumukuha para sakin."
DOKTOR: "Ano experience mo kasama ng iyong kambal?"
BADS: "Minsan po napaaway siya, ako ang hinuli at kinulong. ang malungkot po ay may girlpren ako na mahal na mahal ko. Siya ang nakatanan kasi napagkamalan niyang ako ang kakambal ko."
DOKTOR: "Eh bakit masayang-masaya ka ngayon?"
BADS: "Kasi po, nakabawi ako sa kanya. Nung isang linggo, may sumaksak sakin at namatay ako pero siya ang inilibing."

What is the height of shock?
When you’re having sex with your pregnant wife/girlfriend and suddenly a hand grabs your dick from the inside!

Baka may kilala kayong girl na interesado magwork sa Purefoods. Daming benefits, 30k starting pay with free uniform and meal allowance. After 3 months regular na kaya may salary increase plus health and retirement plans, and 50% discount on all Purefood products.
Requirement: College level, aggresive, can do multi-tasking and can work flexible hours, no height requirement. Basta walang PANTY kasi ang work niya "HULMAHAN NG HOTDOG." Text niyo ko pag may interesado.

MOTHER: "Please tell me the name of the bastard who made you pregnant?"
DAUGHTER: "Mom, after eating bunches of bananas, can you figure out which banana made you fat?"

One day three women are walking on the road when a parrot saw them and cackles, "Pink, Red, Black!"
The ladies knew that they are the colors of their panties. Next day, they didn’t wear any panties and the parrot cackles…
"SHAVE YOUR DIRTY TRIMS!"

PATIENT: "Doctor, please give me something I have severe stomach ache."
DOCTOR: "Take this pill, you will be ok.. and see me after two days."
After 2 days..
DOCTOR: "How are you?"
PATIENT: "I’m fine."
DOCTOR: "Take this tablet."
PATIENT: "Why? I’m ok now."
DOCTOR: "This is for headache."
PATIENT: "But I don’t have a headache."
DOCTOR: "Don’t worry. After seeing my bill you’ll certainly need it!"

Pag Mayaman:
Torrid Kissing..
Kapag Mahirap:
Laplapan!
Medyo baboy!

Attributes of an ideal employee:
1. Time conscious (oras ng uwian ang binabantayan)
2. Workaholic (di makapagtrabaho kung di makainom)
3. Service-oriented (di maglalakad kung walang service car)
4. Hardworking (mahirap pagtrabahuhin)
5. Keen eye for details (mapanglait)

It’s the law!
1. Law of mechanical repair – after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of probability – the probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
3. Law of the bath – when you’re wet in the shower, the telephone rings
4. Law of close encounters – the probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you’re with someone you don’t want to be seen with
5. Law of biomechanics – the severity of the itch is inversely proportional to your reach
6. Law of random numbers – if you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone and someone always answers.

A bank manager dragged himself home totally exhausted. His sympathetic wife brought him a cool drink and a comforting word, "My, you must have a hard day. What happened to make you look so exhausted?" "It was terrible," the man said.
"The computers broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking!" 

LOLO: "Honey, nag-iinit ako!"
LOLA: "Dahil ba sexy pa rin ako hanggang ngayon?"
LOLO: "Hindi! Nasawsaw ko yung patotoy ko sa kape!"

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourself."

Girl and Boy met.
BOY: "Oist, HARLEM SHAKE TAYO!"
GIRL: "Tara! MAGKANO BA YUN?!"

Pumasok si inday sa kuwarto ni sir at nahuli niya itong nagmamasturbeyt..
INDAY: "Ay sir… ano yang ginagawa mo?"
SIR: "Ah inday… ang tawag diyan ay masturbation, kelangan mong matuto niyan."
INDAY: "Para sa boyfriend ko?"
SIR: "Hindi… kasi nangangawit na kamay ko."

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“Ang pag-BOTO ay parang PAG-IBIG lang. Wag magpadala sa BUGSO ng DAMDAMIN. UTAK dapat ang GAMITIN.”

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