Husband and wife watching porn and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."
He replied, "Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s frigid."
"Not that," she explained, "It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks!"
MISIS: "Pag nagse-sex ba tayo, nagiisip ka ng iba-ibang babae?"
MISTER: "Yung ex-girlfriend ko lang."
LESSON: Wag magtanong kung ayaw mo malaman ang totoong sagot.
After a hot passionate sex, the girl snuggled up next to her boyfriend and said, "You know. You are the biggest I’ve ever had."
Apparently, "Ditto." isn’t the right response.
MOM: "Anak, ano ang gagawin mo kung may Humarang sa IYO na Lalaki sa Madilim na lugar?"
AIDA: "Ibababa KO ang PANTALON Niya at Itataas ang PALDA KO!"
MOM: "Baliw Ka na ba?"
AIDA: ‘"Di, ah!, Sino ba ang Mas Mabilis TUMAKBO, ang Lalaking NAKABABA ang PANTALON o ang BabaEng NAKATAAS ang PALDA?"
Huwag masyadong hayok sa alak. Nakakalaki ‘to ng tiyan kasi minsan pagnalasing kayo kusang bumubuka ang mga legs niyo at isang araw magigising na lang na buntis na pala kayo.
After a night of drinks, drugs and wild party, a man woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.
Do you need a wife?
– will spend your beer money on shoes.
– might bash your head in and get away with it
– might steal your house and force you to live in a cardboard box
– might steal your children and teach them to hate daddy
– might cut-off your penis while you are asleep
– might occasionally cook your dinner
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.
"Do you wash?" the doctor asked.
"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible."
Well, "the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible!"
Ano ang pinagkaiba ng kwek-kwek sa babae?
Ang Kwek-kwek, tinutuhog muna bago kainin.
Ang babae, kinakain muna bago tuhugin.
A married couple at a restaurant for dinner.
HUSBAND: "The fool looks delicious, let’s eat."
WIFE: "Honey, at home don’t you pray before eating?"
HUSBAND: "That’s at home, sweetheart… Here the Chef knows how to cook!"
Two female teenagers were talking about gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren’t you worried about your boyfriend’s new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"It doesn’t matter," giggled the other girl. "He doesn’t do all my writing anyway."
"Push harder!" a man shouted to wife while she was in labor.
"Stupid!" she screamed back.
The husband then thought it wasn’t his fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
A tourist asks a boatman, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the boatman replies, "If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat."
**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.
“May mga bagay talaga na sa umpisa lang masaya. Puro kasinungalingan na sa ending.”