Thursday Humor 05.23.13

rice cooker na de uling

TEACHER: "Juan, what is a period?"
JUAN: "Di ko alam sir pero nakakatakot ibig sabihin nun."
TEACHER: "Bakit nakakatakot?"
JUAN: "Kasi ser, nung sinabi ng ate ko walang siyang "period" ng 5 buwan, hinimatay mama ko, tapos inatake sa puso si papa, kaya tingin ko delikado yung "period.""

Before a woman became engaged, she was a beauty and she didn’t mind letting her boyfriend know it too.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.
"Really?" ask the boyfriend. "And just how many are you planning to marry?"

BOY: "Mommy, bakit dumedede si baby sa inyo?"
Mommy: "Masustansya ang gatas galing sa akin at nakakatulong yun para maging malusog si baby."
BOY: "Ahh! kaya pala si daddy! hahaha…"
MOMMY: Hoy! Huwag kang magsalita ng ganyan! Hindi dumedede sakin ang daddy mo ha!"
BOY: "Sayo po hindi, pero kay yaya madalas!"

Husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she had before. When they were finished, the wife was still writhing against the door. He said, "That was the best. You never moved like that before. Are you okay!"
His wife replies, "I’ll be okay once I get the doorknob out of my ass!"

Isang araw, nag-aabang si Ser chip na dumating ang garbage truck. Sa tagal ng paghihintay, napaiglip siya. Nakita ni Inday si Ser chip, naisip niyang akitin ito. Kinutkot ni Inday ang pudendum niya at itinapat sa ilong nang natutulog na amo. Sa pinakamaakit na boses, bumulong siya sa tenga ni Ser chip..
INDAY: "Ser chip my prens charmimg.. naamoy niyo ba?"
Nagising si ser chip at napasigaw..
SER CHIP:"Inday, nandiyan na ang truck ng basura!"

2 men who met at a bus station had a chat. One of them keeps complaining of family problems. The other man says, "You think you’ve got family problems? Listen to my story."
"A few years ago, I met a young widow, with a teenage daughter, and we got married."
"Later my Dad married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my step mom and dad became my stepson-in-law. My wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law. Then my stepmom had a son with my dad. This boy is my half-brother and grandson of my wife. That made me the grandad of my half-brother. This was nothing till my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom. My dad is the bro-in-law of my son, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife! AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS!"

MAN: "So what do you do for a living?"
WOMAN: "I’m a female impersonator."
MAN: "So that’s how you got that little moustache!"

He was standing at the bar when a girl came to him.
SHE: "Fancy buying me a drink?"
HE: "Sure, if you let me choose."
SHE: "Okay, but how will you know what I want?"
HE: "Well, it’s kind of a talent. All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
SHE: "Okay. You can choose for me."
HE: "Bartender, Diet Coke please."

A man was seen fleeing a hospital. "What’s the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, "It’s a very simple operation. Don’t worry, it will be all right."
"She was trying to assure you, what’s so frightening about that?"
"She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Boss asks the blonde, "Do you know the name of our company?"
The blonde answers, "Yes, it’s called PUSH."
"Where on earth did you get that idea?"
Blonde answers again, "Hellooooo! It’s on the front door!"

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

"Ang totoong pag-ibig ay consistent."

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