Monday Humor 05.27.13

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2 mag-textmates na gay, nagkasundong magmeet sa dilim para daw may surprise. Nag-inuman sila at pagkatapos di pa rin nila makita ang itsura ng bawat isa.
Gay1: "Thanks for the night! Saan ka nakatira?"
Gay2: "Sa Makati."
Gay1: "Talaga? Taga Makati din ako! San sa Makati?"
Gay2: "Sa Evangelista St."
Gay1: "Taga dun din ako, anong number?"
Gay2: "23, sa green na gate."
Gay1: "Ha? Uhhhhm… ISKO?"
Gay2: "Tataaay?"

Sa facebuk, nagcomplain ang girl kasi tumaba after using shampoo that gives body & volume. So, she switched to Downy.

Si Juan ay tindero ng sorbetes at naisipan niyang magbenta sa may simbahan dahil maraming bata duon. May batang lumapit.
BATA: "Kuya magkano po ice cream?"
JUAN: "Bente lang!"
BATA: "Pabili nga po isa!"
(binigyan ni juan)
BATA: "Hala bat ang unti?"
JUAN: "Ganun talaga, pakinggan mo ang bell ko."
(Tunog ng bell: untilang untilang untilang. Walang nagawa ang bata. Lumapit ang isang pari para bumili at kamukha ng sa bata, kaunti lang ang binigay ni Juan)
PARI: "Bat ang kunti?"
JUAN: "Pader, sinunod ko lang ang tunog ng bell ko. pakinggan niyo
ang tunog."
(untilang, untilang, untilang ang narinig ng pari)
PARI: (tinawag ang sakristan at sinabihan) "Patugtugin ang kampana ng simbahan!"
"Dagdagan dagdagan dagdagan" ang tunog ng bell ng simbahan kaya naubos sorbetes ni Juan.
LESSON: Huwag gahaman kung ayaw mong maisahan.

Si Juan ay naglilinis ng eroplano nang nakita niya ang libro na may title na"HOW TO FLY AN AIRPLANE FOR BEGINNERS, VOL. 1" Nangahas siyang basahin at paliparin ang eroplano.
Binasa niya ang mga pahina, "To start engine, press the red button" kaya pinindot niya at umandar ang makina.
Nabasa niya "To make plane move, press blue botton" at gumalaw ang plane. Hinanap niya ang pahina "how to make airplane fly" at nabasa niya, "press the green button." Ginawa niya ito at lumipad. Tuwang-tuwa siya at nang gusto niya bumaba ang plane sa ground, hinanap niya sa libro pero nabasa niya, "To learn how to land a plane, read Volume 2."
JUAN: “Asan yung Volume 2?!”

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. After the doctor’s examination. he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what’s wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English, "
the doctor replied, "you’re just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

An old man goes to his doctor to ask him an important question:
"Doctor, when I was in my 20’s, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on."
"When I was in my 30’s, it took one hand to push down my
hard-on."
"When I was in my 50’s, it took 3 fingers to push down my hard-on."
"Now that I’m in my 60’s, it only takes a finger to push down my hard-on!"
"So what I’m basically trying to ask you is, How strong am I going to get?"

Cleavage:
Ang cleavage ay ginagamit ng ibang babae para makuha ang atensyon ng mga lalake. Pero hindi alam ng mga babae ito na magagawa lang sa mga lalake nito ay gisingin ang libog nila.
Minsan ginagamit din ito para ipamukha sa ibang babae na "ang laki ng boobs ko noh? beh!" Hindi nila nalalaman na ang iniisip nung ibang babae ay "Sus, naka push-up bra lang yan!"
Payo lang, wag kayo mag-ayos ng make-up, buhok at ano pang lapis sa mukha niyo dahil di mapapansin ng mga lalake ito.
Ang Cleavage. Bow!

On a hot day, a blonde tied her dog under the shade of a tree and went to a restaurant for a cold drink. 20 minutes later, a cop entered the resto and asked who owns a dog tied under a tree outside. The blonde said it was hers.
COP: "Your dog seems to be in heat."
BLONDE: "No way. She’s in a shade."
COP: "You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
BLONDE: "My dog doesn’t want bread. I fed her this morning."
COP: "No! You don’t understand! Your dog wants to have sex!"
BLONDE: "Go ahead! I always wanted a police dog!"

May sobrang kapal ng buhok sa kili-kili na babae sumakay sa MRT. Walang upuan kaya humawak na lang siya sa sabitan. May nakatingin sa kanyang lasing na matanda at after 3 minutes kinausap siya..
LASING: "Hanga ako sa mga ballet dancers!"
BABAE: "Ako ba kausap mo manong?"
LASING: "Oo."
BABAE: "Hindi po ako nagbaballet."
LASING: "Dancer ka?"
BABAE: "Hindi rin ako dancer."
LASING: "Paano mo naiangat nang ganyan ang legs mo?"
BABAE: "Ano ang pinagsasabi mo manong?"
LASING: "Ayy sori… hindi ba pekpek yan?"

A well known TV evangelist is booking into a posh hotel.
He tells the duty manager, "I hope the porn channel is set to disabled."
The manager looks at him and replies, "NO, it’s REGULAR porn, you sick bastard!"

Sa Jollibee..
LOLA: "Yung kape ko paki lagyan mo ng pulot."
CREW: "Ma’am, wala po kaming pulot?"
LOLA: "Ang laki-laki ng bubuyog niyo wala kayong pulot?"

Being short does have its perks…
Short people are always the last ones to be hit by the rain.

BOY: "Sex tayo?"
GIRL: "Yuck bastos mo! hindi kita type noh. dapat sampalin kita dahil diyan sa sinabi mo."
BOY: "Ganito ng lang, laro tayo."
GIRL: "Anong laro?"
BOY: "Kapag nagsabi ako ng prutas, sampalin mo right cheek ko. kapag nasabi naman ako ng kulay, sa left ang sampalin mo. one cheek lang pwede mong sampalin. pero kapag mali yung cheek na sinampal mo, magsex tayo."
GIRL: "Sige, game!"
BOY: "Orange!"

Paddy had spent the night drinking at a pub. He had a long way to go home so he took a shortcut through the town’s cemetery. He staggered around graves till he fell into a hole dug for a burial the next day. He passed out when he hit bottom. Upon awaking the next morning, Paddy stood and realized where he was and shouted, "Glory to God! ‘Tis the Resurrection Day and I’m the first one up!"

BUSINESS CONCEPTS:
You buy your girlfriend a mobile phone and another guy buys her airtime, that is DIVISION OF LABOR.
You buy her a thong and another guy removes it. That’s SEPARATION OF POWER.
You pay her tuition and another guy pays her apartment or dorm rent. That is CORPORATE MERGER.
She tells you she is not ready for sex and your best friend sleeps with her regularly without your knowledge, that is INSIDER TRADING!

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

 

oOo

"Mahirap mag-move on pero mas mahirap hulaan ang password ng WI-FI ng kapitbahay niyo."

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