Saturday Humor 06.29.13

smart

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Nakaupong dalaga kumakanta sa park.   
LALAKE: "Ahh, miss, excuse me. Sa Pilipinas Got Talent ka kaya kumanta."
DALAGA: "Talaga? Ganun na ba ako kagaling?"
LALAKE: "Hindi, at least sa PGT, pwede kong patayin ang telebisyon!"

PHONE 5
GIRL1: "Uy sis! Pwede pa text?"
GIRL2: "Sure sis!"
GIRL1: "Naks! Taray naka Iphone 5 ka!"
GIRL2: "Syempre umuunlad eh."
GIRL1: "Sis, tapos na, saan ko isesend? Sa SIM 1 o SIM 2?"

A woman found a magic lamp and when she rubbed it, a genie came out asking what are her wishes. She replied:
"I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
I mant to be the only one in his life.
I want him to sleep always by my side.
I want that when he gets up in the morning, I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes."
The genie turned her into a Smart Phone!

Woman’s Logic
"I’m gonna wear this shirt that shows 3/4 of my boobs. Then I’m gonna call you a pervert for looking."

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

Magshota ginamit ang word na "hamburger" na code para di malaman ng parents nila na nagsesex sila.
GF: "Ma, punta lang ako kay BF, kakain kami ng hamburger."
MAMA: "Sige, anak, ingat."
Paguwi ni GF..
GF: "Ma, ang sarap talaga ng hamburger."
MAMA: "Napansin ko nga, anak. May Mayonnaise ka pa sa labi."

WIFE: "Just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it."
HUSBAND: "Well, honey, in many cultures, insects are actually dietary staples and are pure protein."

A man consults a shrink.
MAN: "Doctor, every night my wife goes to a pub and sleeps with anyone who proposes to her…"
SHRINK: "Relax, take a deep breath, calm down and now tell me..
WHICH PUB?"

Thought for the monsoon season:
Avoid meeting your girlfriend during monsoon, or you risk making her…
"Mom-Soon"

Life is all about Ups and Downs..
Up with the Bra,
and
Down with the Briefs..

Sabi ng taxi driver pagkatapos "maholdap" ng pokpok..
"Di bale nang nalimas, basta nakalamas."

 

** All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Minsan kailangan mong matutong bumitaw. Mas okay maging malungkot ng panandalian kaysa naman magmukha kang tanga pangmatagalan.”

Friday Humor 06.28.13

robert

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SMILE… and the world smiles with you.
LAUGH… and the world laughs with you.
But, FART…
and you’re on your own.

Dalawang doktor nakulong sa Munti.
Doc1: "Doctor ka rin pala, ba’t ka nakulong?"
Doc2: "May nareseta akong maling gamot na sanhi ng pagkamatay ng pasyente ko. Eh ikaw ano naman kaso mo?"
Doc1: "Nahuli akong nakikipagsex sa pasyente ko."
Doc2: "Ano naman ang masama dun?"
Doc1: "Vet ako."

Saan kayo dito?
Photogenic -gwapo/maganda sa picture..
Telegenic – gwapo/maganda sa video..
Autogenic – gwapo/maganda dahil may auto
Layogenic – gwapo/maganda kapag malayo
Talikogenic – gwapo/maganda pag nakatalikod0
Peragenic -gwapo/maganda maganda dahil rich
Akogenic – gwapo/maganda sa personal

A boy had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane. He ran to his mom who kissed it and made it better. On the way to a store, he fell off his bike and scraped his knee. He ran to his mom who kissed it and made it better.
Returning from the store, the boy ran into the town bully who kicked him in the nuts. He ran home. His mom said, "Son, you’re getting more like your father each day!"

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BARK FOR LIFE: A Canine Event to Fight Cancer

Ei! Mananawagan muna akels para sa event na itey, pwede?

To all dog lovers out there, join-join din kayo dito pag may time. 😀

BarkForLife

Bark for Life: A Canine Event to Fight Cancer
June 29-30 at Marikina Riverbanks Mall: Renaissance Convention Center.
Registration: 11:00 – 01:00
Show Proper: 01:00 – 09:00

BarkForLife1

 

Click here: FOR ONLINE REGISTRATION

 

oOo

“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”

Thursday Humor 06.27.13

short skirt

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Nakahiga na ang mag-asawa nang biglang tumayo si mister.
MISIS: "Mahal, bakit ka tumayo?"
MISTER: "Bwisit! hindi ako makatulog! ang ingay ng mag nagiinuman sa labas!"
MISIS: "Oo nga eh. gabing-gabi na hindi pa magsiuwi nalang! nakakaistorbo!"
MISTER: "Yun na nga mahal eh, hindi ako makatulog! NAIINGGIT AKO!"

Doctor to a female patient:
"Your lungs, pulse, BP are normal. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds trouble..
No! No! No! I didn’t ask you to lift your skirt…
Just show me your tongue…"

MAN: "You know, our son got his brain from me."
WIFE: "I think he did, I still got mine with me."

Complicated Facts about Women:
They believe in saving.
Believe in saving but buy expensive clothes.
Buy expensive dresses but complain of nothing to wear.
Always dressed well but never satisfied.
Never satisfied but still expect men to compliment them.
Men compliment them but don’t believe them.
Extremely complicated.

Sa Cubao bus terminal ng Super Lines:
PASAHERO: "Kaya pala ang bus niyo walang dumi…"
KONDUKTOR: "Bakit?"
PASAHERO: "Basahin mo pangalang ng bus niyo "SUPER LINES!"

Getting blocked by your GF/BF on Facebook
is like
Electronic Divorce.

My ITR was sent back to me because in response to the question, "Number of dependents," I replied, "70% of population who don’t pay taxes, several thousand of illegal immigrants and above all about 400 idiots in Congress and the Senate."
They said this was not an acceptable answer.
I’m still wondering… Who did I miss out?

Flash Report!
Mga nagbabagang balita naging Uling na rin!
Isang sementeryo nasunog lahat Patay!
Roro lumubog hindi natiis Lumutang!
Bata tumalon sa sapa natagpuang Basa!
Bagyong papalapit sa Pilipinas di nakarating dahil Masama ang panahon.

Desperation is when you’re in a taxi.
Your wife texts you, "sex tonight?"
You type "yes" then a thief snatches your phone and instead of shouting for "HELP!" you shout,
"press SEND..! Take the phone but please press SEND!"

May mga babaeng gustong iparamdam sa mga lalaki kung ano pakiramdam ng nireregla.
Kaya, palilibugin ka tapos iwanan kang nakanganga.
Sakit sa puson diba?

A princess meets a talking frog and says, "If I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince?"
The frog replies, "That was in my grandfather’s time. I need a blowjob, babe."

Thought of the day:
Hindi lahat ng lalake sa mukha ng babae nakatingin..
Yung iba sa suso!

DONYA MARY: "Son, why are you trying to swallow a clock?"
ERAP: "My teacher said I should watch my mouth."

HAPPY NO PANTY DAY!
Makisama po kayo mga ladies. Para din po ito sa ikakabuti ng ating daigdig at nang mahanap na ni Goku ang pitong dragon balls. Hayaan niyong mag-amoy dagat at mag-amoy isda ang paligid kung para naman ito sa kaligtasan nating lahat. Ladies, please cooperate. Salamat!!

 

** All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE

 

 

oOo

“In my life, I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve missed, I’ve hurt, I’ve trusted, I’ve made mistakes, but most of all, I’ve learned.”

Tuesday Humor 06.25.13

proxy4

Pinakamadaling paraan ng VEGETARIAN DIET:
1. Ipakain ang gulay sa baboy.
2. Katayin ang baboy at iluto.
3. Ulamin ang baboy.

Teacher: "Juan, na saan ang assignment mo sa Math?"
Juan: "Nag suicide na po, ang dami kasi niyang problema."

Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other’s sentences.
The most popular ending being "shut up."

Marilyn Monroe was the world’s famous sex icon. Her tummy isn’t tightly toned, her thighs touch, her breasts aren’t perky, her arms aren’t skinny and she has stretch marks. She was known as one of the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN in history. Take heart, girls! You are hot, sexy and a Marilyn!

CUSTOMER: "Waiter, bakit IBA itong ADOBO dun sa inorder ko last month?"
WAITER: "Di totoo yan sir, dahil yan pa din yung last month!"

Long ago, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot to eat, forgot laughter is called a "Saint."
But now it’s called… "Call Center Agent."

KASABIHAN:
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back… they were really GUILTY the first time!" – JAIL WARDEN

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Monday Humor 06.24.13

curfew

BUMIBILI: "Magkano 1 kilong saging?"
TINDERO: "20 lang."
BUMIBILI: "Ang mahal naman."
TINDERO: "May alam akong mura."
BUMIBILI: "Ano?"
TINDERO: "T%@#§*& mo!"

HOW WE REMEMBER OUR ANCESTORS:
”I found this old picture of my great grand dad. He looks so cool and mysterious.”

HOW FUTURE GENERATIONS WILL REMEMBER US:
”I just downloaded an archieve of my great grand dad’s Facebook updates. Evidently he hated Mondays and loved telling people when he was bored.”

BF: "Ang hirap kumita ng pera ngayon no?"
GF: "Di ba sabi ng pamahalaan tumataas ang ekonomiya?"
BF: "Ewan ko ba kaya eto tipid tayo."
GF: "Tantiya ko nga itong order natin sa halip na tapsilog eh tapsi na lang, walang itlog."
BF: "Pasensya na, wala na akong pera eh."
GF: "Ok lang pasalat na lang sa itlog para tapsilog na rin!"
BF: "Ako rin!"
GF: "Anong ako rin?"
BF: "Silog lang ito eh, pasalat ng tilapia para tilapsilog na rin!"

Question for the day:
Why are there more Mother Day greeting cards than Father Day cards?
Answer: Everybody knows who their Mother is!

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Tenkyow Miami!

Dahil panalo ang Miami Heat sa NBA Finals kanina, sa wakas mabebentahan ako ng polvoron ko ng di oras. Ang saya! Lol!

LaFemmePolvoron-002

LaFemmePolvoron

LaFemmePolvoron-003

Click images below for larger view.

 

oOo

“Love all that you can, give all that you have, smile away your days, and dream away your nights.”

Nanay Na Tatay

Sino naman ang mag-aakalang may makakaalala sa akin para i-greet din ako ng HAPPY FATHER’s DAY last Sunday?

Simpleng text sa akin at private message lang ‘to sa FB pero  – TOUCH ako.

Hindi ko inaasahan na may mga friendlalu pa pala ako na makakaisip na i-appreciate at magbibigay ng simpleng papugay sa masalimuot na buhay ng pagiging Nanay na Tatay o Single Parent ko.

Eh kasi di ba, isa ako sa mga milyon-milyon na babaeng ginagawa din ang lahat na kembot at tambling sa buhay para lang magampanan ang papel ng isang Padre De Pamilya sa mga anak. Kaya dapat lang talaga na isingit na rin ang mga single moms tuwing Father’s Day. 😛

image

wpid-Screenshot_2013-06-18-13-17-14-1.png

Maraming Salamat, Roderick and Raul! 😀

Sila ang mga online friends ko at swerte ako kasi na ma-meet ko rin sila in person noon.

Walang kakupas-kupas ang dalawang ‘to sa pagiging THOUGHTFUL.  Love you, guys!

 

Posted from WordPress for Android

 

 

oOo

“Your life is an inspiration to someone, so be proud of it.”

Tuesday Humor 06.18.13

proxy "Alam ko day off ko ngayon, pero bakit gan’un?
Maaga pa rin ako’ng nagising. Tapos pagpunta ko sa batalan, una ko pa ring inabot ang labada sa halip na batong panghilod. At nang madaan ako sa kusina, nagprito agad ako ng itlog, walang isipan. At higit sa lahat, ngayong bihis na ako at nasa labas na, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta!
Di na ako marunong mag-day off!!!"
~ Isang tatay sa araw ng mga tatay.

Yung ibang babae pag tinanong mo kung ano ang hanap sa isang lalake, ito ang isasagot:
Gwapo
Mabait
Masarap kasama
Maalalahanin
Maalaga
At ang ibang kahulugan nito para sa iba..
Gwapo (may kotse)
Mabait (mapera at galante)
Masarap kasama (masarap sa kama)
Maalalahanin (mas uunahin at pipiliin siya sa lahat kahit mali na ito)
Maalaga (malaki ang alaga)

A six year old girl came home after her first family planning lesson in school. Her mother was interested to know what she learned.
MOTHER: "How did it go?"
GIRL: "I died of shame!"
MOTHER: "Why?"
GIRL: "Maria from down the road said that stork bring babies. Juan next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage."
MOTHER: (laughs) "But that’s no reason to be ashamed?"
GIRL: "No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to screw you to make me!"

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Monday Humor 06.17.13

bayad muna

SAD STORY:
"Isang araw. Nagtxt ako sa mahal ko. Nag away kami sa text.
Sa sobrang inis ko, binato ko sa pader yung cp. Wasak na wasak!
Tapos nung lumabas yung sim, inapak-apakan ko pa!
Grabe! Umiyak yung katabi ko.
Nakalimutan ko.

Naki-TEXT lang pala ako."

JUNIOR: "Tay, bakit po may babae at lalake?"
TATAY: "Kailangan kasi ang di parehong kasarian para magkaroon ng anak at dumami ang isang species."
JUNIOR: "Tay, bakit hiwalay ng banyo ang mga babae at lalake sa mall?"
TATAY: "Kasi pribado ang ginagawa sa banyo. hindi dapat masilip ng isa’t isa ang pribadong bagay."
JUNIOR: "Tay, pwede po ba ako magbanyo sa mga babae?"
TATAY: "Hindi anak!"
JUNIOR: "Bakit hindi? eh nakikita ko yung ibang nanay kasama ang mga anak na lalake sa banyo ng babae."
TATAY: "Kasi trenta ka na, hinayupak ka!"

LOLO: "Sabi mo tinutukan ka ng gagong tambay sa kanto tapos kinuha yung pera mo na nakatago sa panty mo?"
LOLA: "Oo.."
LOLO: "Bakit di ka man lang pumalag?"
LOLA: "Hindi ko naman akalain na pera lang ang gusto niya ehh…"

Warning:
If a woman’s legs open up faster than Google’s homepage,
she’s not girlfriend material.

Sa jipney..
NGONGO: "Mama, mara na lang mo sa nganto!"
(hindi pinansin ng drayber)
NGONGO: "Mamong, langpash na ango, mangimara lang sa tami."
(drayber tuloy pa rin sa pagmamaneho)
NGONGO: "Mamong ano ma? Saming mara sha tami eh!"
(ipinara ng drayber at bumaba ang ngongo)
PASAHERO: "Manong, bakit sa malayo niyo ipinara yung jeep? Kawawa naman yung ngongo ang layo ng lalakarin pabalik!"
DRAYBER: "Mamuti nga sha nganya, ngasi niloloko niya ango eh!!"

A small boy, seeing a female cat in a lawn sleeping, told a friend, "I heard my Big Brother tell his buddy that he’s actually eaten one of those creatures."

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words "complete" and "finished" in a way that’s so easy to understand…
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE… And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are… COMPLETELY FINISHED!

NOON: mahilig ka magpaluto ng hotdog
NGAYON: Kahit hotdog na hilaw subo agad pati itlog.

Why are ladies better at catwalk than men?
Because there is nothing between the legs to get SQUEEZED.

A man shouted to his wife in anger, "My heart says I must cut you into pieces…"
A neighbor heard and said, "Please throw the tits into my house!"

At a car auction, people started the bidding:
"100 thousand"
"200 thousand"
"350 thousand"
"400 thousand"
"500 thousand"
A man came late and asked, "What’s so special about this car?"
The car owner replied, "This car has a record of 29 accidents and in each and every one of them only the wife dies!"

Lesbians are..
Two selfish women who can’t stand see a man happy. 😀

A short, sweet and meaningful answer..
GIRL: "Hey! How are you doing these days?"
GUY: "By Hand!"

 

** All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“When you fall in love, fall completely. Don’t hold back.”