Thursday Humor 06.13.13

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LALAKE: "Miss, ang KAGANDAHAN mo parang THESIS!"
BABAE: "Bakit?"
LALAKE: "Kailangan mo pang i-defend para mapatunayan mo."

First time na dinala ni BF si GF sa motel:
GF: "Bakit mo ko dinala rito?"
BF: "Dahil mahal kita at seryoso ako sa yo."
GF: "Di magandang dinala moko dito."
BF: "Pero pakakasalan naman kita."
GF: "Ayaw ko talaga dito eh."
BF: "Bakit? Dahil di mo ako mahal?"
GF: "Hindi. Dahil mahina aircon dito. May mga alam akong mas maganda na, mas mura pa."
LESSON: Hindi lang lalake ang malibog.

After mall shopping for most of the day, a couple finds their car stolen. They went to the police to make a report. A detective drives them back to the mall to see if any evidence was left at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned with a note on its windshield that reads, "I apologize for taking your car. I have to rush my wife to the hospital for an emergency. Here are two tickets for a musical concert tonight."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attended the concert. Returning home, the found their house burglarized. Valuable things were taken. And again they found a note at the kitchen, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college, don’t I?"

Nagpriprito si Chiara ng itlog para sa almusal ng kanyang asawang si Juan. Paggising ni Juan, tumungo siya sa kusina para tingnan kung ano ang kakainin nila sa almusal.
JUAN: "Oh, mag-ingat ka! Naku andami naman niyan. Oh lagyan mo ng mantika. Naku baka masunog dalian mo, naku wala na tayong mantika, pano na yan! Mag-ingat ka! Naku nalagyan mo na ba ng asin, ingat lang, bilisan mo, baliw ka na ba masusunog na! Naku…"
CHIARA: (nainis) "Ano ba tinggin mo sakin di marunong magluto ng itlog?"
JUAN: "Gusto ko lang iparamdam sayo  ang nararamdaman ko pag nagmamaneho ako."

Si Juan ay bagong porter sa isang 5-star hotel.
MANAGER: "Here, we give each customer personalized service and you have to be observant so you know what they need before they ask."
Di pa tapos ang manager nang may dumating na mag-asawa. Kinuha niya ang bagahe at sinabi, "Welcome, Mr. & Mrs. Torres, it’s an honor to have you in our hotel."
Pagkatapos samahan ang mag-asawa sa reception desk, sabi ng manager kay Juan, "Look at the names on their baggage tags."
At may dumating muli na mag-asawa at inutusan ng manager si Juan na salubungin ito. Kinuha ni Juan ang bagahe at tiningnan ang pangalan at sinabi, "Welcome Mr. & Mrs. MADE IN CHINA! An honor to have you in our hotel…"

A wife has her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the painter, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." The artist replied, "But you’re not wearing any of those jewelries."
"I know,"
she said, "but I’m in poor health and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die, he’ll marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelries!"

May isang karpentero nag apply sa tableria para bodegero:
CHINESE: "Gusto ko magaling bodegero
KARPINTERO: "Magaling po ako
CHINESE: "Takpan mo mata mo at sabihin mo uri kahoy sa amoy lang
KARPINTERO: "Sige kabise."
Pinaamoy lahat ng uri ng kahoy at nasagot lahat. Sinundot chinese pwet niya at pinaamoy.
Ano kaya sinagot at natanggap ang karpintero?

A middle-aged couple finally learned how to send SMS on their mobile phones. The wife being a romantic at heart sent her husband a text while out of the house with a friend:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
The husband replied back, "I’m in the toilet. Please advise!"

Sumakay ang isang hubad na babae sa taxi ni Juan pero di pinaandar ni Juan ang taxi kundi tumitig lang sa babae.
BABAE: "Anong problema, ngayon ka lang nakakita ng hubad na babae?"
JUAN: "Wala akong pakialam sa katawan mo, nagtataka lang ako kung saan nakalagay yung pera mo, aba’y kelangan mo akong bayaran wala ng libre sa panahon ngayon!"

Don’t you love the tan lines that women get after sunbathing?
It’s almost like the Sun came down and highlighted all the important parts.

GUY: "Uy! 72 daw tayong lahat na sasama sa excursion."
GIRL: "Ha? Paano tayo magkakasya sa Van ko?"
GUY: "Madali lang yan, tatlo sila sa harapan. Tapos 69 tayo sa likod."
LESSON: Minsan kailangan din maging matalino sa MATH para makadiskarte.

Si Juan ay Grade 3 na sa elementary, umuwi galing sa school at nagsisigaw sa tuwa.
JUAN: "Itay! Nanalo ako ng pahabaan ng titi!"
TATAY: "Gago! Pa’no ka di mananalo, eh bente anyos ka na!"

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“Mahirap magjoke sa taong matagal maka-gets. SLOW?!”