Monday Humor 06.17.13

bayad muna

SAD STORY:
"Isang araw. Nagtxt ako sa mahal ko. Nag away kami sa text.
Sa sobrang inis ko, binato ko sa pader yung cp. Wasak na wasak!
Tapos nung lumabas yung sim, inapak-apakan ko pa!
Grabe! Umiyak yung katabi ko.
Nakalimutan ko.

Naki-TEXT lang pala ako."

JUNIOR: "Tay, bakit po may babae at lalake?"
TATAY: "Kailangan kasi ang di parehong kasarian para magkaroon ng anak at dumami ang isang species."
JUNIOR: "Tay, bakit hiwalay ng banyo ang mga babae at lalake sa mall?"
TATAY: "Kasi pribado ang ginagawa sa banyo. hindi dapat masilip ng isa’t isa ang pribadong bagay."
JUNIOR: "Tay, pwede po ba ako magbanyo sa mga babae?"
TATAY: "Hindi anak!"
JUNIOR: "Bakit hindi? eh nakikita ko yung ibang nanay kasama ang mga anak na lalake sa banyo ng babae."
TATAY: "Kasi trenta ka na, hinayupak ka!"

LOLO: "Sabi mo tinutukan ka ng gagong tambay sa kanto tapos kinuha yung pera mo na nakatago sa panty mo?"
LOLA: "Oo.."
LOLO: "Bakit di ka man lang pumalag?"
LOLA: "Hindi ko naman akalain na pera lang ang gusto niya ehh…"

Warning:
If a woman’s legs open up faster than Google’s homepage,
she’s not girlfriend material.

Sa jipney..
NGONGO: "Mama, mara na lang mo sa nganto!"
(hindi pinansin ng drayber)
NGONGO: "Mamong, langpash na ango, mangimara lang sa tami."
(drayber tuloy pa rin sa pagmamaneho)
NGONGO: "Mamong ano ma? Saming mara sha tami eh!"
(ipinara ng drayber at bumaba ang ngongo)
PASAHERO: "Manong, bakit sa malayo niyo ipinara yung jeep? Kawawa naman yung ngongo ang layo ng lalakarin pabalik!"
DRAYBER: "Mamuti nga sha nganya, ngasi niloloko niya ango eh!!"

A small boy, seeing a female cat in a lawn sleeping, told a friend, "I heard my Big Brother tell his buddy that he’s actually eaten one of those creatures."

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words "complete" and "finished" in a way that’s so easy to understand…
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE… And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are… COMPLETELY FINISHED!

NOON: mahilig ka magpaluto ng hotdog
NGAYON: Kahit hotdog na hilaw subo agad pati itlog.

Why are ladies better at catwalk than men?
Because there is nothing between the legs to get SQUEEZED.

A man shouted to his wife in anger, "My heart says I must cut you into pieces…"
A neighbor heard and said, "Please throw the tits into my house!"

At a car auction, people started the bidding:
"100 thousand"
"200 thousand"
"350 thousand"
"400 thousand"
"500 thousand"
A man came late and asked, "What’s so special about this car?"
The car owner replied, "This car has a record of 29 accidents and in each and every one of them only the wife dies!"

Lesbians are..
Two selfish women who can’t stand see a man happy. ๐Ÿ˜€

A short, sweet and meaningful answer..
GIRL: "Hey! How are you doing these days?"
GUY: "By Hand!"

 

** All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

โ€œWhen you fall in love, fall completely. Don’t hold back.โ€