Tuesday Humor 06.18.13

proxy "Alam ko day off ko ngayon, pero bakit gan’un?
Maaga pa rin ako’ng nagising. Tapos pagpunta ko sa batalan, una ko pa ring inabot ang labada sa halip na batong panghilod. At nang madaan ako sa kusina, nagprito agad ako ng itlog, walang isipan. At higit sa lahat, ngayong bihis na ako at nasa labas na, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta!
Di na ako marunong mag-day off!!!"
~ Isang tatay sa araw ng mga tatay.

Yung ibang babae pag tinanong mo kung ano ang hanap sa isang lalake, ito ang isasagot:
Gwapo
Mabait
Masarap kasama
Maalalahanin
Maalaga
At ang ibang kahulugan nito para sa iba..
Gwapo (may kotse)
Mabait (mapera at galante)
Masarap kasama (masarap sa kama)
Maalalahanin (mas uunahin at pipiliin siya sa lahat kahit mali na ito)
Maalaga (malaki ang alaga)

A six year old girl came home after her first family planning lesson in school. Her mother was interested to know what she learned.
MOTHER: "How did it go?"
GIRL: "I died of shame!"
MOTHER: "Why?"
GIRL: "Maria from down the road said that stork bring babies. Juan next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage."
MOTHER: (laughs) "But that’s no reason to be ashamed?"
GIRL: "No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to screw you to make me!"

A small boy at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
"Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…"
"Yes, son?"
the father asked, ready to console him.
"…Which bus would I take home?"

After the mass, a little boy told the priest, "When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you,"
the priest replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had."

A woman angry at a friend, "Bitch, please! The only thing virgin about you is your nose..
And even that’s been fingered!"

A guy went to a hospital for a circumcision but because of a mix up, he got a complete sex change. All the doctors were around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. The poor guy went to pieces and cried as he learned of the mix up.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I’ll never be able to experience a hard-on ever again!"
"Of course, you will,"
one of the docs soothed. "It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all."

JUAN: "iPhone download speeds from my mobile phone provider are ridiculously slow."
JOSE: "Really? How about what I experience, this morning, I logged into "Just 18" teenage beauties website. By the time the first page was loaded, all the girls looked like they’re in their 40’s!"

"What where you before you came to school, boys and girls?" asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say "babies."
She was disappointed when all the children cried out, "HAPPY!"

A man was sued by a woman for oral defamation. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
DEFENDANT: "This means I can’t call Mrs. Tamondong a pig?"
JUDGE: "Yes, true."
DEFENDANT: "Does this mean I can’t call a pig Mrs. Tamondong?"
JUDGE: "You can call a pig Mrs. Tamondong without legal consequences."
DEFENDANT: (looking at plaintiff) "Good afternoon, Mrs. Tamondong!"

Quote of the day:
”Hindi ko kabisadong magayos ng higaan…
Pero alam kong guluhin ang bed sheet mo sa paraan na tiyak masasarapan ka.”

Herbal Medicines In Demand
1. Kataka-taka: para sa mga tanga
2. Sambong: para sa mga may sumpong
3. Bayabas: para sa mga balasubas
4. Banaba: para sa mga lakwatsero/lakwatsera
5. Oregano: para sa mga babaero
6. Makahiya: para sa makapal ang mukha
7. Lagundi: para sa mga flirts
If symtoms persist, consult your self.

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“Yung Lalaking mas malandi pa sa babae. BIGYAN NG PANTY!”

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