Tuesday Humor 06.25.13

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Pinakamadaling paraan ng VEGETARIAN DIET:
1. Ipakain ang gulay sa baboy.
2. Katayin ang baboy at iluto.
3. Ulamin ang baboy.

Teacher: "Juan, na saan ang assignment mo sa Math?"
Juan: "Nag suicide na po, ang dami kasi niyang problema."

Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other’s sentences.
The most popular ending being "shut up."

Marilyn Monroe was the world’s famous sex icon. Her tummy isn’t tightly toned, her thighs touch, her breasts aren’t perky, her arms aren’t skinny and she has stretch marks. She was known as one of the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN in history. Take heart, girls! You are hot, sexy and a Marilyn!

CUSTOMER: "Waiter, bakit IBA itong ADOBO dun sa inorder ko last month?"
WAITER: "Di totoo yan sir, dahil yan pa din yung last month!"

Long ago, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot to eat, forgot laughter is called a "Saint."
But now it’s called… "Call Center Agent."

KASABIHAN:
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back… they were really GUILTY the first time!" – JAIL WARDEN

PULIS: "Kung nawalan ka ng preno, bakit lalo mong binilisan ang takbo?"
DRIVER: "Syempre po para mkarating agad ng bahay. E kung maaksidente ako?"

New Sex Laws
1. A hole always attract a pole
2. Length of pole is equal to twice depth of hole
3. Up and down motion releases lotion which increases population

MARE1: "Matagal ng nambababae si pare mo, kaya nabawasan ako ng 10 KILOS."
MARE2: "Ba’t di mo hiwalayan?"
MARE1: "Tsaka na, 20 KILOS kc ang GOAL ko!"

Orgasm has four stages:
Asthmatic (ahh, ahh, ahh)
Mathematics (more, more, more)
Religious (OMG!)
Criminal (if you pull it out, I’ll kill you!)

JUAN:"Yung crush ko, mala-UBAS ang mata, mala-PEACH ang balat, mala-APPLE ang pisngi, at mala-CHERRY ang labi!"
PEDRO:"Di ba sya FRUIT SALAD?"

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. All husbands cried for a week except one guy who cried for another week. When asked why, he replied sadly, "My wife missed the bus!" 🙁

AMO: "Inday, natanggal mo ba yung bubble gum sa paborito kong sapatos?"
INDAY:"Yis ser!"
AMO:"Yes! anong pinangtanggal mo?"
INDAY: "Palakol po!"

MR:"Baka nakakalimutan mo, kung di sa pera ko, wala ang bahay at kotse na ito dito."
MRS: "Baka nakakalimutan mo, kung di sa pera mo, wala ako dito?"

MRS:"Pagod na ko sa KASESELOS mo! Akala mo d ko alam na pinasusundan mo ko sa detective na matangkad, pogi, mahiyain pero masayang kausap?"
MR:"?"

 

 

oOo

“Ang buhay ay parang teleserye. Kung hindi maganda ang ending ngayon, abangan bukas!”

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