Monday Humor 07.29.13

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CUSTOMER (bisaya): “Hiillo! wala kasi yung bell ng pon namin?”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: “Hindi naman po ba nabagsak yung phone?”
Customer: “Hende naman.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: “Kailan pa po ito nagsimula?”
Customer: “Ang alen?”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: “Na hindi po nagri-ring yung phone?”
Customer: “Nagre-reng naman ah?!”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: “Di ba wala pong ring?”
Customer: “Hende! Yong BELL!.. yong lestahan nong babayaran namin!”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: “Aahhh… yung BILL?!”

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AGENT: “Can you click in to the address bar and type www.google.com please?”
CUSTOMER: “I’ve done this already and it didn’t work.”
AGENT: “Will you do it again for me anyway?”
CUSTOMER: “Alright.”
AGENT: “W-W-W-DOT-G-O-O-G-L-E-DOT-C-O-M and now press “enter”.”
CUSTOMER: Oh, you have to press “enter”?”

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Continue reading

One More Try

Ewan ko ba, tuwing naririnig ko ‘tong theme song ng My Husband’s Lover  hindi ko minsan maiwasan ang mag-emote.  🙁

Eh kasi yung lyrics, ‘teh. Fotah. Sobrang tagos!

Relate much! Lol!

 ONE MORE TRY   – (Kuh Ledesma)

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/98073492″ params=”show_comments=false&auto_play=false&color=ff7700″ width=”100%” height=”91″ iframe=”false” /]

Should we stay or should we say goodbye
Walk away or give it one more try
What a waste to let our dreams just fly
And as the days go by
We’ll always wonder why.

Are we glad to find one day we’re free
Is this what we really want to be
Brand new lives, we need to have so much
It really is quite tough
When love is not enough.

Tell me why did we find each other
Only to part ways in the end
Tell me how we learned to love each other
And tell me why two people have to change.

Was it pride that made made us drift away
Hurting words we should not even say
Hold my hand and look straight in my eyes
If we can’t say goodbye
Then we’re worth one more try.

 

oOo

“Madaming wala sa akin na kaya mong hanapin sa iba pero madaming wala sa kanila na sa akin mo lang makikita.”

Friday Humor 07.26.13

ipagmalaki mo

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“Bakit mo pa ako inaalagaan kung sa huli ay hahayaan mo lang akong masaktan.” — Manok na pang sabong.

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A guidance counselor was keen to help her school’s students. One day she saw a girl standing all by herself on one side of the football field while the rest of her companions were enjoying a game.
The guidance counselor came to her and asked if everything was all right. The girl said she was. Later, the guidance counselor saw the girl at the field in the same spot still by herself.
Going to her again, the guidance counselor asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?”
“Because,” the girl with a sigh said, “I’m the goalie.”

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New US citizens

 image

  1.  Diosdado Durante aka Deo Dorant
  2. Topacio Mamaril aka Top Gun
  3. Tomas Cruz aka Tom Cruise
  4. Federico Hagibis aka Federal Express
  5. Leon Mangubat aka Tiger Woods
  6. Salvacion Guerra aka Salvation Army
  7. Victoria Malihim aka Victoria Secret
  8. Juanito Lakarin aka Johnny Walker
  9. Jaime Banda aka James Bond
  10. Macario Maldonado aka Mac Donald
MANONG DRAYBER: “Sa Amerika, pagpinasok mo sa makina ‘yung baka pagkalabas corned beef na. Pero mas hi-tech sa Pilipinas. Pagpasok mo ng hotdog sa makina, bata na ang labas.”
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If a man is allowed to select a woman from one hundred women and even if he selects the most beautiful, he still feels the pain of losing the remaining NINETY NINE.
Yet Women say men don’t have FEELINGS.

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NOON: Pag may kumanta sa harap ng bahay nyo, “HARANA”
NGAYON: Pag may kumanta sa harap n bahay nyo, nanghihingi ng “TULONG”

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A man who loaned his now ex-girlfriend money for breast implants is suing. He wants either the money or the implants back.
Couldn’t they just work out something like weekly visitation rights?

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Paano mag move on kapag BROKEN HEARTED?
Si Babae:
Iiyak hanggang mamaga ang mata. Manonood ng funny movies, magpo post ng kadramaham sa fb. Sasabihin pare-pareho lang lahat ng lalake pero makikipagrelasyon pa rin, magpapa make-over, makikipaglandian, maghahanap ng panibago para pamukha sa ex na may bago na siya.
Si Lalake:
Magyoyosi, makikipaginuman sa barkada, mapapadalas ang pagnood ng porno at magjajakol 5x a day! 😛

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 A Woman’s Prayer
Sa edad na 20 : “Lord, gusto ko guwapong lalaki”
Sa edad na 25 : “Lord, gusto ko mabait na lalaki”
Sa edad na 30 : “Lord, kahit anong lalaki”
Sa edad na 40 : “Lord, pwede pa naman.”
Sa edad na 50 : “Lord, please naman…”
Sa edad na 60 : “Lord, kaya ko pa.”
Sa edad na 70 : “Lord, ayaw ko na…”
Sa edad na 80 : “Lord, wala nang pag-asa.”
Sa edad na 90 : “Lord, see You na lang…”

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“Knock Knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“WHAT CAN BE”
“What can be who?”
“What can be bibitiw bigla.. What can be bibitiw bigla.”

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JUAN : “Manong, Magkano pamasahe?”
DRIVER: “P8 po, mimimun.”
JUAN: “Ha?! bat sabi sa tv bumaba na daw?!”
DRIVER: “Eh di sa TV ka sumakay!”

 

oOo

“EFFORT? Punta ka sa NAIA. Nandun yung effort na hinahanap mo.”

 

 

 

Tuesday Humor 07.23.13

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Ang SONA ni P-Noy ay parang konsert ni Daniel Padilla..
Konting salita, palakpak.
Umubo lang, palakpakan na naman.

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Ang panliligaw ay parang paglalaro ng videogame.
Kelangan mong malaman kung pano mo mapagtatagumpayan ang mga challenges para makarating sa next level.
Kaya kung panget ka, isipin mo nalang naka hard mode ka!

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Observation:
A man can talk on any subject for an hour.. That is Talent!
A woman can give a lecture for hours without any subject.

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Nakita ng isang lola ang tanim na marijuana ng apo:
LOLA: “Walanghiya kang bata ka… hindi ako papayag na magka apong drug adik.”
APO: “Lola, ang marijuana ay hindi drug, ang marijuana ay isang halaman… kaya hindi ako drug adik… hardinero lang ako.”

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Teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Li’l Johnny: “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her Ferraris and Maseratis, a mansion in London and Paris, travels throughout the world…”
The shocked teacher decides not to give no notice to what he said and continues the lesson, “And you, Tonya?”
“I wanna be Li’l Johnny’s bitch!”

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Two girls chatting.
GIRL1: “Yesterday, my bf and I dated. I knew it was the big night.”
GIRL2: “Wow! What happened?”
GIRL1: “He took me to his flat. He kissed me, grabbed me from behind…”
GIRL2: “Then what?”
GIRL1: “He put his hand inside my skirt.”
GIRL2: “What next?”
GIRL1: “He then unbuttoned my new red top.”
GIRL2: “You got a new top?”
GIRL1: “Yes it was on sale, I even bought a jeans..”
GIRL2: “Is the sale ongoing?”
GIRL1: “Yes, come let’s go shopping!”

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Isang babae na may dalang sanggol ang lumapit sa tindero ng baboy at manok.
BABAE: “Ikaw ang ama nitong dinadala kong sanggol.”
TINDERO: “May asawa’t anak ako, ok lang ba sustentuhan na lang kita ng manot at baboy hanggang maging 21 taong gulang siya?”
BABAE: “Ok.”
Nagbinata ang anak ng babae at nang mag 21 siya pumunta siya sa palengke para kunin ang huling sustento niya.”
TINDERO: “Anak, dahil 21 ka na, ito na huling baboy at manok na ibibigay ko nang libre. Sabihin mo sa nanay mo ito at tingnan mo ang reaksyon niya.
Sinabi ng anak sa nanay niya ang pinapasabi ng tatay niya.”
BABAE: “Anak, magpasalamat ka sa kanya at sabihin mo di lang baboy at manok ang natatanggap natin sa nakalipas na 21 taon, meron ding bigas, groceries, tubig, damit at cellphones, tapos tingnan mo ang reaksyon niya.”

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QUESTION: Why do women love shoes?
ANSWER: Because no matter how much and whatever they eat, the shoes always fit.

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BOY: “Babe, itaas mo ang kili-kili mo.”
GIRL: (Tinaas ang kili-kili)
BOY: “Alam mo ganyan KADILIM ang buhay ko kung wala ka!”

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**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“PAASA – Ito ang tawag sa mga taong sinasabihan kang mahal ka nila, kahit hindi naman talaga.”

 

Sew Happy 12: Scrabble Pillows

Habang humihilab ang tiyan at hinihintay ang pag-iri ng nanganganay na Prinsesa ng Cambridge kagabi, at para hindi antukin sa pag aabang ng announcement sa TV, sumabay na rin ako ng pagtatahi ng scrabble pillows para sa home sweet home ko. O ha! Ako na ang pinaka-productive kuno!

Resulta: I’m feeling ngarag sa ngayon.

Sana lang ay makarating sa royal couple ng Britanya na kasalanan nila kung bakit puyat ang royal beauty ng Iligan sa ngayon. Charot.

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scrabble pillows

 

 

 

oOo

“Mas simple, mas maganda.”

 

 

Sunday Humor 07.21.13

peeping dog

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May nasipang bote si Pedro habang naglalakad. Umusok ito at may lumabas na genie.
GENIE: “Master, bibigyan kita ng isang wish.
PEDRO: “Lasenggero ako kaya lagi kong gustong makainom ng vodka kahit nasaang lugar ako. Kaya ang wish ko pag umihi ako gusto ko vodka ang lalabas.”
Granted ang wish niya kaya pagdating sa bahay, agad kumuha ng baso at umihi si Pedro. Malinaw ang ihi, inamoy at ininom. Sa isip niya ito ang pinakamasarap na vodkang nainom niya. Kumuha siya ng isang baso at umihi at pinainom sa asawa.
MISIS: “Ito ang pinakamasarap na vodkang natikman ko.”
Magdamag nag inuman ang dalawa. Kinabukasan pagkauwi ni Pedro sa trabaho..
PEDRO: “Honey, nandito na ko, kumuha ka ng isang baso!”
MISIS: “Honey, ba’t isang baso lang, ikaw lang iinom?”
PEDRO: “Siyempre tayong dalawa pero ngayong gabi sa bote ko ikaw iinom.”

A Drunk’s Prayer:

Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again,
also please forgive in advance for lying about never drinking again.

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Warning to all men:
Never piss off someone who bleeds for a week every month and doesn’t die.

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Tuwang tuwang pag nasabihang ng “sexy” pero pag sinabihan ng “ang sarap mo siguro ka sex,” magagalit..
Eh pareho lang yun eh. Kumbaga, parang parehong dumi na binato sa’yo, may pabango lang yung isa.

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BOY: “Huy bakit di mo ko pinapansin buong araw?”
GIRL: “Tinulugan mo ko kagabi nung magka-text. Di ka na nagreply.”
BOY: “Wag ka na magtampo, sorry na.”
GIRL: “Ewan ko sayo.”
BOY: “Hindi mo ba alam na hindi ka dapat magalit sa taong nakatulog habang ka text ka, mas mabuti na yun kesa tini text ka nga pero may ka-sex namang iba.

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Position of the Weekend:
Aries: Missionary
Taurus: Doggy
Gemini: 69
Cancer: Standing
Leo: Wheelbarrow
Virgo: Spread Eagle
Libra: Butterfly
Scorpion: Forbidden Fruit
Sagittarius: Ballerina
Capricorn: Cowgirl
Aquarius: Fusion
Pisces: Cradle

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BOY: “Sex tayo?”
GIRL: “Sex nanaman? magusap naman tayo?”
BOY: “Sige… parang dirty sex talk?”
GIRL: “Hindi, yung usapan talaga.”
BOY: “Ok, ano paguusapan natin?”
GIRL: “Uhhm, yung paborito kong palabas… “my husband’s lover” ganda kasi eh.”
BOY: “Oo nga..”
GIRL: “Oo diba?”
BOY: “Oo naman… sarap ka sex ni Lally.”
GIRL: “Gago ka talaga!”

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Ang successful na lalake ay yung kumita ng perang mas malaki pa sa ginagastos ng babae niya.
Ang successful naman na babae ay yung makahahanap ng lalakeng successful.

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QUESTION: How to STOP a woman from Shopping?
ANSWER: Don’t even try! The stunt could be injurious to your health.

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Safeguard says keep washing hands.
Colgate says keep brushing teeth.
Gillette says keep shaving.
Who’s next?
Trust condom?

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Nakasimangot yung kaibigan ko kanina habang nagco-computer..
AKO: “O bakit ganyan ang mukha mo?”
SIYA: “Tuwing binubuksan ko tong gmail ko araw-araw na lang may email akong “How to increase your penis size?”
AKO: “Hahaha… spam.”
SIYA: “Hindi eh… galing sa misis ko oh.”

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Hindi pala maganda ang masyadong matulungin. Tinulungan ko ng nga pulutin yung nahulog na sukli ng babae sa jeep, nasampal pa ko. Pucha, kasalanan ko bang mapagkamalan kong limang piso yung nasa legs niya?

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“Accept what you can’t change, change what you can’t accept.”
Halimbawa, Tanggapin mo kung nabuntis mo siya, at maghanap ka ng iba kung di mo tanggap na baog siya.

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**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“Kumusta sa lahat ng may relasyon na punong-puno ng kasinungalingan.”

Fotografia

Por yur inpormeshen, pumo-PHOTOGRAPHY din ako noon.

Kahit point and shoot lang at wa-class ang brand ng kamera ko noon (aktwali hanggang ngayon), hindi ko pinalagpas ang magkunyaring “photographer”!

Oks lang yun noh! Kasi may hirit diyan ang mga poorita at bitter na kagaya kong can’t afford na makabili ng mamahaling camera. Na kesyo , “it’s the eye for the shots that speaks and not the gear.”  Charot!

Yun daw ang importanter.

Enweys, ipo-post ko ang mga lumang random shots kong ‘to kasi balak ko na silang burahin sa hard drive ko.

Geneva, Switzerland


“In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.”
(SIMON & GARFUNKEL, Sound of Silence)
Photo Location: Geneva, Switzerland

 

Place de la Concorde, Paris

Place de la Concorde
Photo Location: Paris, France

 

Frankfurt, Germany

Hazy Shade of Winter
Photo Location: Frankfurt, Germany

 

Swiss Alps

Photo Location: Bern Switzerland

 

Munich, Germany

Munich Street Scene
Photo Location: Munich, Germany

 

Paris, France

Hotel Du Louvre At Night

 

Hotel Du Louvre

Hotel Du Louvre By Day

 

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“Time hurries on.
And the leaves that are green turn to brown,
And they wither with the wind,
And they crumble in your hand.”
( SIMON & GARFUNKEL, Leaves That Are Green)
Photo Location: Munich, Germany

 

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“I’d rather be a forest than a street.
Yes I would.
If I could,
I surely would.”
( as sung by Simon & Garfunkel “El Condor Pasa”)
Photo Location: Frankfurt, Germany

 

River Seine, Paris France

“Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they’re all that’s left you.”
(as sung by Simon & Garfunkel “Bookends “)
Photo Location: The River Seine, Paris, France

 

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Photo Location: Frankfurt, Germany

 

Paris, France-001

Photo Location: Paris, France

 

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Photo Location: Paris, France

Arc de Triomphe, Paris, France

Arc de Triomphe
Photo Location: Paris, France

 

Emoterang German

“When you’re down and out
When you’re on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part “
(SIMON & GARFUNKEL, Bridge Over Troubled Water)
Photo Location: Frankfurt, Germany


 oOo

“You don’t make a photograph just with a camera. You bring to the act of photography all the pictures you have seen, the books you have read, the music you have heard, the people you have loved.”

 

 

 

 

Sew Happy 11: (Envelope Pillow Case)

Tahi-tahi din ng bagong punda ng mga sofa cushion pag may time.

DIY Pillow Envelope 

SAKO ng ARINA at mga reta-retasong kulay-tsokolate na tela ang ginamit ko kaya wala akong ginastos dito.

DIY Pillow Envelope-003

Mga isa’t kalahating oras lang ang ginugol ko sa pagtatahi sa lahat ng 4 pieces of cushion cover. Taray!

DIY Pillow Envelope-001

Wala na akong ginamit na zipper, snaps o buttons sa likod kasi envelope-type of pillow cases ang mga itey. Again, no gastos.

DIY Pillow Envelope-004

Haays…ako na talaga si Inday Tipid.

DIY Pillow Envelope-002 

Happy weekend!

 

oOo

“Happiness is found by living your life day to day, smiling and surrounding yourself with positive and loving people.”

Tuesday Humor 07.16.13

dirty-humor-funny-14

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DUAL SIM:
Yan ang cellphone ng mga babaerong boyfriend at malalanding girlfriend.

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A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

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A week before his wedding, a guy sowed the last of his wild oats with all the girls he dated. At the end, his dick was literally twisted. He begged his doctor to help him but the best the doc could do was tape the worn part between four thin slats creating a splint.
On his honeymoon, his bride spreads her legs and said, “Honey, look, never been touched by a man.”
The man undid his pants and replied, “Look, honey, still in its original crate!”

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Hindi ka naman fishball
pero bakit ang hilig mo magpatuhog
at magpasawsaw?

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A wife asked her husband to go out and get her something that makes her look sexy and beautiful..
The husband came back drunk.

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Kapag bored at mag-isa mga unang naiisip gawin ng babae:

  1. makipagtsimisan sa kaibigan 
  2. magbasa ng romantic novel 
  3. magshopping sa mall 
  4. manood ng teleserye sa tv
  5. tapusin ang mga gawaing bahay

Mga unang naiisip gawin ng lalake:

  1. magjakol 
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Women are never wrong..
Just sometimes
confused
childish
stubborn
senseless
emotional
crazy
unchangeable
but NEVER WRONG.

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A couple were expecting their first child any time. The father is confident it would be a boy. As fate would have it he was given a temporary assignment to a provincial city. In order to avoid giving a party to his officemates for the birth of his child, he asks his father to send him a telegram that will read, “the clock has arrived,” and he will understand that a son is born.
D-day came and his wife gave birth to a girl. Being an ingenious person, the husband’s father sent a telegram that reads, “the clock has arrived with the pendulum missing.”

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WOMAN: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
MAN: “That’s very kind of you, dear, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
WOMAN: “Well that’s because we’re not married yet.”

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Selosong mister tumawag kay misis.
MR.: “Asan ka ngayon?”
MRS: “Nasa bahay..”
MR: “I-On mo nga ang blender!”
(mrs pinaandar ang blender)
MR: “Okay, akala ko umalis ka.”
(maya-maya tumawag na naman si mister)
MR: Asan ka?”
MRS: “Nasa bahay nga..”
MR: “I-On mo ang blender!”
(misis pinaandar ang blender)
MR: “Ganyan dapat para walang duda!”
(umuwi bigla si mister at nakita ang anak sa labas)
MR: “Asan mama mo?”
ANAK: “Umalis po  at may dala-dalang BLENDER!”

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In ancient Greece,
Throwing an apple at a woman was considered a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.
Now, Greek men still throw an apple…
An Iphone 5!

  •  

Observation:
A man can talk on any subject for an hour.. That is Talent!
A woman can give a lecture for hours without any subject.

  •  

Ang panliligaw ay parang paglalaro ng videogame.
Kelangan mong malaman kung pano mo mapagtatagumpayan ang mga challenges para makarating sa next level.
Kaya kung panget ka, isipin mo nalang naka hard mode ka!

  •  

Sex is not all men think about..
They also think about women being naked. :p

  •  

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

 oOo

“Sometimes, the simplest things mean the most.”