Friday Humor 07.05.13

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DENR Secretary Ramon Paje says it’s against the law to take wildlife species from their natural habitat.
So why are congressman in the Batasan?!

QUESTION: Why do women love military men?
ANSWER: It’s NOT the uniform…It is because they can cook, clean, iron, make beds and sew, but most of all.. they know how to follow orders!

When there is a long gap between engagement and marriage, who benefited the most?
Man? No!
Woman? No!
It’s the mobile phone company!

Men and women stalk differently.
Men will drive by at night.
Women will show up at your job and smash your stuff in front of everyone.

A man had his wife’s car modified recently.
As a precautionary measure, the airbag now deploys as soon as the car starts.

AIDS Awareness Slogan:
Either use First Hand
or
Use Hand

Statutory Warning should be mandatory on Wedding Invitation Cards like on cigarette boxes:
"Marriage will be injurious to your WEALTH and HEALTH."

Thought of the day:
Hindi lahat ng lalakeng namumulsa may kinukuha o dinudukot, yung iba kumakambyo.

A newly wed couple with the groom carrying his bride at the threshold of their new house.
GROOM: “Damn, I can’t find the keyhole…”
BRIDE: “Nice start.”

JUAN: “Napanood mo ba yung huling laban ni Pacquiao?”
PEDRO: “Yung kay Marquez? Talo siya dun ah.”
JUAN: “Malas nga pero dapat round 2 ay napatulog niya si Marquez.”
PEDRO: “Ows, paano?”
JUAN: “Kasi habang nagpopormahan ang dalawa, may isang pinoy sa ringside na sumisigaw ng "patulugin mo na yan!"
JUAN: “
Anong ginawa ni Manny?
PEDRO: “Tiningnan lang ni Manny tapos sumigaw na naman ng paulit-ulit yung pinoy na patulugin mo na yan.”
JUAN: “Ano sabi ni Manny?”
PEDRO: “Pisting yawa! Paano matutulog to ang ingay mo!”

GUY: “What are the three most common words in the world?”
WOMAN: "I love you."
GUY: “No, it’s "Made in China."

A man’s tie is similar to a woman’s scarf.
While the scarf hides a woman’s assets, a tie is a man’s way of pointing to where their asset is.

"Sa labas ng bar, nakahiga ng siya, nakapikit na ang kanyang mata, nagdikit ang aming mga labi. uminit ang eksena. Biglang dumami ang mga miron. Nilipat ko ang mga labi ko sa kanyang leeg habang dahan-dahan kong pinasok ang kamay ko sa kanyang panty. Dun biglang may sumigaw ng…
"Hoy bastos… hindi ka naman marunong mag CPR eh!""

Although a tongue is without bones and weighs very little, very few females are able to control it..
Males have a similar problem..
But with another organ.

Female tears and male sperms are so similar.
Always eager to come out
and
only one in a million for the right cause.

PASTOR: “You are now baptized, a new creation. No more alcohol drinks for you. Your new name is David.”
David went back home, headed straight for the fridge… took a bottle of Beer, dipped it in water 3 times…
DAVID: “You are now a new creation; your old name is gone. Your new name is Orange Juice.”

The mainland Chinese obsession for making fake products is…
their revenge on the rest of the world for making pseudo-Chinese dishes!

Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website.
You don’t understand anything, yet you say, "I AGREE."

A very fat lady goes to the swim wear section of a department store tells a sales clerk, "I would like to see a bikini that fits me."
"Me, too!"
replies the sales clerk.

Ejaculation is achieved by the last stroke.
This doesn’t mean that the first stroke was useless.
Achievement is a result of CONTINUOUS EFFORT.

Advise given by a dermatologist to a woman:
"Always go out without a Bra. Nobody will notice your wrinkles and dark circles under your eyes!"

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

oOo

“Ang relasyon parang GUBAT. Imposibleng walang AHAS.”

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