Tuesday Humor 03.18.14

2014-03-02 16.58.44

Sa classroom:
GURO: “Ikaw Juan, kung may date ka na magandang babae, kumakain kayo, tapos napapaihi ka. Ano ang sasabihin mo?”
JUAN:” Saglit lang, ha? Iihi lang ako.”
GURO: “Mali. Ikaw, Pedro, ano ang sasabihin mo?”
PEDRO: “Excuse me pero pupunta lang ako ng CR.”
GURO: “Mali din yun. Bastos yun kasi kumakain kayo. Ikaw naman batang makulit? Pwede ba sa pagkakataong ‘to mag seryoso ka? Ano sasabihin mo sa ka date mo?”
BATANG MAKULIT: “Miss beautiful, sorry kung aalis ako saglit. Makikipag shake hands lang ako sa bestfriend ko. Don’t worry, mamaya ipapakilala kita sa kanya.”

Women on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should be referred to as gang members. That’s how dangerous they are.

A young wife was paranoid about not welcoming her mother-in-law whom she disliked. She brought her dog to the vet to have its tail cut off.
VET: “What for?”
WIFE:” Oh, I don’t want anything that can remotely be interpreted as a sign of welcome.”

Madonna is 55, her new boyfriend is 22.
Tina Turner is 75, her boyfriend is 40.
JLo is 42, her boyfriend is 26.
Mariah Carey is 44, her husband is 32.
.. Still available?..
Mommy Dionesia celebrated her birthday last year. She’s waiting for you!!
BALITAAN MO NAMAN AKO IF KAYO NA HUH?

Quote from a senior citizen:
“If my body was a car, I’d trade it for a newer model, because everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhausts backfires!”

Sa pharmacy..
LALAKI: “Miss, may dede kayo?”
TINDERA: “Meron po.”
LALAKI: “Magkano?”
TINDERA: “P50.”
LALAKI: “Patingin nga.”
Pinakita ng tindera yung botelya na pang baby..

Masyadong malansa ang utak natin.

Iniisip ng mga babae na kaya nila tayong paikot-ikutin kapag pinakita nila boobs nila…
Tama naman sila!

With the 2014 version of “DYESEBEL” scheduled to be aired on TV next week, there are several good reasons to be a mermaid:
no periods
no pants
perfect hair
free clam bra
and
you get to lure men to their destruction

Trivia:
Female spiders eat the male spiders after mating.
They know collecting life insurance is easier than collecting child support.

Huwag masyadong magpadala sa mga napapanood na love story, kasi minsan Prince Charming tingin mo sa kanya, pero Porn Star naman ang tingin niya sayo.

Kung nabasted ka, ok lang yan. Mas marami ang babae kaysa sa lalake…
Yung ibang lalake, nagiging babae na rin…
Kaya mas marami kang pagpipilian!

May lalake umihi sa pool.
LIFEGUARD: “Hoy! Anong ginagawa mo? Bawal yan!”
LALAKE: “Grabe ka namam manita.. Alam kong marami namang gawain ang umihi sa pool.. Dahil ba hindi ako taga dito sa village niyo?”
LIFEGUARD: “Hindi yun eh.. Aminado naman akong maraming umiihi sa pool… pero hindi naman habang nakatayo pa sa labas ng pool!”

JAKE: “Dude, I wasn’t that drunk!”
MOE: “You asked me to drive you home.”
JAKE: “So?!”
MOE: “The party was at your house, buddy!”

GIRL: “Are you circumsized?”
GUY: “Mostly.”
GIRL: “What does that mean?”
GUY:” I can show you but you can only check with your tongue.”

A woman’s heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man’s balls. So don’t break hers and she won’t break yours.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Ang pag-ibig parang pagkanta yan.” — Pangit pag WRONG TIMING.”

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