Friday Humor 03.28.14

arinola cup

 

Isang pinuno ng tribo ng Ita ang nanganak ang asawa nang maputing bata. Sa galit, agad dinala ng pinuno ang bata sa isang misyonaryong Kano na naninirahan sa kanila. Sabi ng puno, “Ikaw lang ang nagiisang puti dito. Bakit naging puti ang anak ko? Pinakialaman mo ba ang asawa ko?”
Sagot ng Kano, “Sandali lang boss. Wag kayong maghusga agad. Nakikita niyo po ba yung mga puting tupa na yun? Sa lahat na yan meron diyang nagiisang itim na tupa at yun ay dahil sa hiwaga ng kalikasan.” Napahinto ang puno at bumulong, “Patawarin moko, hijo. Nauunawaan kita. Tatahimik ako tungkol sa bata, kung tatahimik ka dun sa tupa.”

Sex According to your Zodiac Sign
ARIES: Know how to suck everything
TAURUS: Professionals at sex
GEMINI: The most obsessed about sex
CANCER: Makes you hot and excites you the max
LEO: The only sign that can make you touch the sky
VIRGO: The sweetest in bf and the best
LIBRA: The best lovers
SCORPIO: Sex, sex and more sex
SAGITTARIUS: Will try anything
CAPRICORN: Will devour you in bed
AQUARIUS: Will do anything in bed
PISCES: Will make you hot, excite you and have various ways of doing it.

Sa isang singing contest:
EMCEE: “Pagbabasehan ang score ng kalahok sa audience… kung maganda at nagustuhan niyo ang kanta, tumayo po lamang kayo..”
JUAN: “For my love! Will see you through…” (20 tumayo)
EMCEE: “20 points for Juan.”
PEDRO: “And I did it… my wayyy… “(50 ang tumayo)
EMCEE: “50 points for Pedro”
JUNIOR: “Bayang magiliw, perlas ng silanganan.. Alab ng puso… ” (tumayo lahat ng nanood)

Mga Kadalasang Nangyayari:
1. Ang sarap ng higa mo kasi madaling araw na, may tuwawag bigla at nagtanong kung gising ka pa. Sagot: “Ay hindi, hinihintay ko tawag mo.”
2. Tumatakbo ka sa lakas nang ulan. May sisigaw ng “Nagpapaulan ka ba?” Sagot: “Hindi. Sa susunod na ulan pa.”
3. Basang-basa ka pagkatapos maligo at may nagtanong ng “Naligo ka?” Sagot: “Hindi nahulog ako sa toilet bowl.”
4. Naghihintay ka ng elevator at tatanungin ka ng katabi mo, “Aakyat ka?” Sagot: “Hindi, hihintayin ko lang yung 5th floor bumaba dito.”
5. May dala kang bulaklak para sa kanya tapos magtatanong siya, “Flowers ba yan?” Sagot: “Hindi babe… gulay ito.”
6. Nakapila ka para bumili ng tiket sa sine at may magtatanong, “Ano ang ginagawa mo dito?” Sagot: “Wala lang, magbabayad sana ako ng kuryente.”

A lady at a Victoria’s Secret boutique:
“But seriously I don’t want to pay $50 for a bra. It is a boob holder. It is literally nothing more than cups where I can keep my boobs. It should not be such an expensive item, there are people out there who would be honored to hold my boobs. This bra should show some damn respect.”

TANONG: Ano ang tawag sa babaeng ayaw magpayari sa kotse?
SAGOT: PAKIPOT!
TANONG: Ano naman ang tawag sa lalaking gustong yumari sa kotse?
SAGOT: KURIPOT!!!

Orgasm is way easier to spell than: Ohmygodyesno ohsityesdeepper yesgodnoplease shityesoh fucknoyesyesyes

People always think it’s so cute and romantic when my husband and I still call each other “Sweety” or “Honey.”
Truth is we’ve forgotten each other’s names years ago…

A man walks into a doctor’s office and puts a note on the doctor’s table which reads, “I can’t talk, help me!”
The doctor thinks for a while and says, “Put your right hand on the table.” The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his hand with it as hard as he can.
The man cries in agony, “AAAAAAAAAA…” and the doctor says, “Good, come back tomorrow and we’ll learn B.”

BABALA
Yung babaeng naglalakad sa unahan ko biglang nagmadali, kaya nagmadali din ako. Tapos nagsimula siyang naglakad ng mas mabilis kaya naglakad din ako ng mabilis. Tumakbo siya kaya tumakbo din ako. Biglang na lang siyang sumigaw ng malakas kaya sumigaw din ako.
Hindi ko alam kung ano yung tinatakbuhan namin pero natakot ako.

1 inch – are you kidding?
2 inch – i can’t even hold it properly
3 inch – never been so unsatisfied in my life
4 inch – i’ve had bigger
5 inch – good, but not enough
6 inch – about right
7 inch – can’t complain
8 inch – perfect
9 inch – a bit much
10 inch – it’s hurting my insides
11 inch – i can’t take it anymore
12 inch – i’m absolutely destroyed

and this is how i rate SUBWAY sandwiches.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE

 

oOo

“Naupo lang ako, nauso na yung SITTING PRETTY.”