Monday Humor 03.31.14

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GURO: “Juan, kapag may 100 candies ako at kinain ko ang ang 95, meron na lang akong…?”
JUAN: “Taglay na kadamutan at mamamatay sa diabetes!”
GURO: “Upo!”

Bingi, Duling at Bulag sa sinehan. Sa gitna ng palabas sa sinehan..
DULING: “Bakit 2 ang screen?”
BINGI: “Bakit wala pang audio?”
BULAG: “Puro kayo reklamo, hintayin niyo muna mag-umpisa!”

WOMAN1: “Where can I find a committed man?”
WOMAN2: “Try a mental hospital.”

Women love shoes…
so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.

A guy yelled at me for texting and driving..
I told him to get off my car hood and mind his own business…

Mga Positibong Bagay na naituro sayo ng karelasyon mo..
Time is gold. – “Bilisan mo, padating na si mama.”
Patience – “Meron ako ngayon.”
Acceptance – “Di na ako virgin.”
Focused – “Bilisan mo pa, malapit na ako.”
Self-confidence – “Babe, sexy ba ako?” (oo babe. kahit di totoo)
Cooperative – “Sabay tayo ah. malapit na ako.”
Optimistic – “Babe, di pa ako dinadatnan.” “Hindi ka buntis, babe. Delayed ka lang. Ireg ka naman diba?”
Thoughtful – “Babe, kain ka ng marami ha.” (para tumaba ka, kokonti ang kaagaw)
Humble – “Ilang na naka-sex mo?” “konti lang”
Motivated – “Yes, malapit na matapos period niya! Pwede na uli kaming magkita!”
Reliable – “Babe, wala akong load. Pasahan mo nga ako.”
Trusting – “Huwag sa loob ha.”

An angry motorist went back to a battery shop where he’d purchased an expensive car battery 6 months earlier. He grumbled to the shop owner, “When I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would have.”
“Sorry,”
apologized the owner, “I didn’t think your car would last that long.”

Bigo ka ba sa love? Heto para sayo..
KUBA: Mapagkumbaba
PILAY: Hindi ka tatakbuhan
BULAG: Walang pakialam sa looks mo
PIPI: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words
DULING: Hindi ka hahayaang mag isa!

TRIVIA:
Alam niyo ba na sa buong buhay natin ay kumakain tayo ng halos 30,000 kilos na pagkain. Katumbas yan ng bigat ng anim na elepante..
Kaya kapag kumain ka ng anim na elepante sa isang araw, maaring hindi ka na magugutom habang-buhay. 😀

After reading 50 Shades of Grey, a wife asked her husband to tie her tightly to the bed.
“Now what?” he asked.
“Hurt me!”
“Okay. You have saggy tits and thick ankles.”

Kapag guwapo ang may abs, ang hot.
Pero kapag panget ang may abs, kargador agad? Nasaan ang hustisya?

If Snow White had her Seven Dwarfs, Women have the Seven Dwarfs of Menopause..
Bitchy,
Sleepy,
Itchy,
Sweaty,
Bloated,
Moody,
and
Forgetful

Sa panahon ngayon, uso ang babaeng UY-AY.
“UY,” ang hinhin..
“AY,” ang luwang.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Past Tense: Nasaktan; Present Tense: Move on; Future Tense: Gumanda.”-