Monday Humor 04.07.14

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Nagkita sa heaven ang kaluluwa ng isang GRO at ng madre…
MADRE: “Di ba GRO ka noong nabubuhay ka pa?”
GRO: “Opo sister.”
MADRE: “Bakit andito ka sa langit?”
GRO: “Kasi nagsisi ako ng malapit na akong mamatay.”
MADRE: “Tsk tsk tsk kung alam ko lang nag enjoy na lang sana ako…”

WIFE: “What are you doing?”
HUSBAND: “Nothing.”
WIFE: “Nothing..? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for in hour?”
HUSBAND: “I was looking for the expiration date.”

Picture Taking 101
1. Pag gusto mong gumanda at mapansin sa picture, tumabi ka sa mas panget sa yo.
2. Pag mataba ka, huwag kang pupuwesto sa dulo. Magmumukha kayong BBQ.
3. Huwag kang magpabango, hindi yan maamoy na mga titingin ng pictures niyo.
4. Wag masyado sa pulbos. Baka pagkamalan kang member ng jabbowackezz.
5. Pag panget ka, bawal mag selfie sa gabi. Baka akalain ng mga tao, bagong poster ng horror movie. Undin 3D.
6. Pag payat ka, huwag kang gigitna sa dalawang mataba. Magmumukha kayong Jolly Hotdog.
7. Iwasan magdala ng cam. Magiging taga picture ka lang at taga upload.

A priest was always telling senators and congressmen about heaven.
“Why don’t you tell us about hell?” asked one solon.
“There’s no point… you’ll see it yourselves.”

WIFE: “Dear, bakit dati gustong-gusto mo akong pinapanood habang naliligo?”
HUSBAND: “Kasi dati pag pinanood kita tumatayo birdie ko.”
WIFE: “Bakit ngayon ayaw mo na?”
HUSBAND: “Kasi ngayun pag nakita kitang nakahubad, balahibo ko na ang tumatayo!”

COP: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
DRIVER: “I was trying to keep up with the traffic.”
COP: “There’s no traffic.”
DRIVER: “That’s how far behind I am.”

What is the difference between a magician and a politician in Manila?
The magician returns your watch at the end of the performance.

SPORTCASTER: “Manny, in your boxing career, who hit you d hardest?”
MANNY: “Hmm…ang pina kamatindi ay si Kim Henares ng BIR bai, lakas tumira!”

1. Marriage is like espionage, you sleep with the enemy.
2. What is the fastest means of funds transfer? Just say the words ” I do ” and presto, everything is transferred.

“I have a bad headache. I’ll visit the doctor.”
“Nonsense, yesterday, I dashed home, gave a kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don’t you try it?”
“Good idea! Call up your wife and tell her I’ll be right over.”

BOY: “Hi, Miss! Pwede ba manligaw?”
GIRL: “Haii pohh, bvhAqit kuAh pohh muanliLigaW?”
BOY: “Ay, joke lang. Di ka mabiro!”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Ingatan mo yung taong palabiro, palatawa at mapang-asar. Kadalasan kasi sila yung pinakamasarap magmahal.”

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