GIRL1: “Mamatay na sana lahat ng pangit.”
GIRL2: “Mami-miss kita.”
A boss rang an employee after he was late for work.
BOSS: “Where are you?”
EMPLOYEE: “I’m out to buy a wristwatch.”
BOSS: “Do you know what time it is?”
EMPLOYEE: “I haven’t bought it yet!”
Sen. Nancy Binay met French Pres. Francois Hollande.
HOLLANDE: “Bonsoir Madame!”
NANCY: “Panganay Monsieur!”
HOLLANDE: “Nagva-vaque ca va ng caque?”
NANCY: “Oui, nagbi-bake ako ng cake for senior citizens!”
Candy kita iiwan, candy kita pababayaan.
A surgeon, an engineer and a politician were discussing which among their professions was the oldest.
The surgeon said, “Eve was created from Adam’s rib, a surgical procedure.”
The engineer replied, “before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job.”
The politician said, “Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?”
BOY: “Hindi ata magiging tayo.”
BOY: “Kuya mo kasi e.”
GIRL: “Gusto ka kaya ni kuya.”
BOY: “Yun na nga eh. Gusto ko rin siya.”
A couple went out for an anniversary dinner.
WIFE: “Did you just pick your nose and wipe it under the table?”
HUSBAND: “How did you know?”
WIFE: “This is a glass table!”
INTERVIEWER: “What can you contribute to this company?”
APPLICANT: “Kung alam ko lang na may ambagan sana nakapagdala ako ng pansit.”
I was browsing on my laptop looking for porn when an advisory popped out, “Chrome cannot open this page.”
They must have been stuck together.
Umorder si Juan ng Pizza
CLERK: “Ilang slices po ang gagawin namin sa pizza niyo, 6 or 8?”
JUAN: “6 lang. Baka hindi ko maubos ang 8.”
“Sa salamin ka maniwala, wag sa nanay mo.”