Tuesday Humor 10.27.15

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GIRL: “Honey, ano breakfast natin?”
BOY: “Uhmm.. Nagluto ako ng GEGS.”
GIRL: “Ha? Baka ibig mong sabihin ay EGGS.”
BOY: “Yun nga, iniscRAMBLE ko kasi eh!”

JUAN: “My doctor said that I will be dead if I don’t stop chasing women!”
MAR: “Why would he say that?”
JUAN: “One of the women I’m chasing is his wife!”

HUSBAND: “Pagkamatay ko, ipapamana ko sayo 500 hectares na lupa.”
WIFE: “Huwag…”
HUSBAND: “At yung resort sa Boracay.”
WIFE: “Huwag…”
HUSBAND: “At ang kahalating bilyon sa bangko…”
WIFE: “Huwag…”
HUSBAND: “Teka, bakit huwag ka nang huwag. Ayaw mo?”
WIFE: “Hindi! Huwag mo na pahabain buhay mo. “

Sen. Miriam Santiago chose Sen. Bongbong Marcos as her VP in 2016. She was quoted as saying that the Marcoses didn’t owe the nation an apology for the abuses that happened during the martial law years. Her statement can be read both in her upcoming book, “Stupid Is Forever Indeed.”

A Comfort Room is….
like a Committee meeting. People come with lots of pressure, sit, create a lot of noise and drop the matter!

Kung ganito ang TREND para manalo sa eleksyon:
Cory naging presidente dahil pinatay si Ninoy.
Pnoy naging president dahil namatay si Cory.
Grace Poe possibleng maging presidente dahil namatay si FPJ.
Leni naman VP, dahil namatay si Jess Robredo
Para may pag asa manalo sina Mar at Binay, isakripisyo kaya nila si Korina at Elenita?

Kapag si ‘GRACE P0E’ ay deklarado nang panalo, mraming magbabago.
Pambansang ISDA:  Sug’POE’
Pambansang LARO: Trum’POE’
Pambansang GULAY: U’POE’
Pambansang IBON: ‘POE’go
Pambansang PRUTAS:  ‘POE’melo
Pambansang BULAKLAK:  Kam’POE’ put
Pambansang BAYANI: La’POE’-la’POE’
Pambansang HAYOP:-‘POE’sa.
Pambansang PAGKAIN: ‘POE’to
at ang malupit …
Pambansang AWIT:    ”POE”-SONG BATO”.

Gandang Buhay Poe
Joke lang POE!

WIFE: “This wall clock almost killed me today. It fell only seconds after I got up from the couch.”
HUSBAND: “Darn, clock was always slow!”

Pamganga Gov. Lilia Pineda and son, Vice Gov. Dennis Pineda are running unopposed. In their Facebook posts, mother and son used the emoticon, “feeling tumama sa jueteng.”

Mom with her son saw a man walking. The son said, “Ma, tingnan mo siya, sakang! Hahaha…” The mother scolded her son and enrolled him in a Shakespeare class to change his manners and choice of words.
Next time they saw the man again, the son said, “Hark? What manner of men are these, who weareth their legs in parenthesis!”

14 year old boy saw his sexy stepmother feeding her newborn.
BOY: “What do you feed your baby?”
STEPMOTHER: “Milk and orange juice.”
BOY:  “Which side is orange juice?”

**Thank you MIKE!

 

 

oOo

“A big hangover lasts only a day… but our funny, happy, sad, truthful, embarassing DRUNKEN memories will last forever…”

Monday Humor 10.12.15

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Nagrereklamo si Pedro… “Ako ang bunso sa 12 na magkakapatid. Ako ang nagmamana ng lumang damit nila.”
JUAN: “Eh anong problema dun?”
PEDRO: “Puro sila babae!”

MARIA: “Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?”
JENNY: “I did once. My boyfriend has forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth!”

Lito Lapid’s term as senator ends next year.
It is premature tn celebrate though because Manny Pacquiao is running for a Senate seat! God help us!

Mga congressmen iimbistigahan ang PAG-ASA…
Gusto daw ng mga politiko na makihati sa “LAGAY” ng panahon.

Reports have it that Mme. Imelda R. Marcos is against the rumored Binay and Bongbong tandem in 2016. Binay who is accused of stealing public funds was described by Mme. Marcos as ‘madumi.’ Hmm… Madame still hates competition!

Shortly after the oath-taking of new Liberal Party members in Sta. Cruz, Laguna, a group of scantily-clad women called Playgirls performed a naughty dance number called ‘MaTuwad na daan’ with some male guests. Critics says the LP is ‘chauvinistic pigs.’ To  which Senate Pres. Drilon replied, “Hoy! I’m not chauvinistic!”

Pacman is said to be running for senator. He vows to push the rights of the less fortunate if he wins… which is probably an easier task than pushing himself to attend the upper house’s sessions.

Veep Binay was reported to have said that the country needs a “daang mabilis” not “daang matuwid” to achieve growth. Well, that’s his secret, mabilis ang isip, mabilis ang kilos, mabilis ang kamay!

Atty. Francis Tolentino has resigned as MMDA chair. The beleaguered guy has strongly denied that he quit his post to focus on being a booking agent of the Playgirls.

Bongbong Marcos has rejected the offer of Jojo Binay to be his running mate in 2016. Imelda reportedly vetoed the idea. In an unrelated news, when asked if she believes in the proverb, “Galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw,” Mme. Marcos  replied, “Excuse me! Hindi ako galit!”

*Thank you Mike for the above SMS jokes!

 

 

 

oOo

“Kinilig ka dahil niyakap ka niya galing sa likod…Holdap pala!”

Stay Hydrated

Eto ang drama ko lately para mas ganahan akong uminom ng maraming tubig araw-araw at para na rin masanay ang mahaba(?) kong dila sa kung ano-anong water infusion.

Kadalasan lemon, lime at cucumber lang ang infusion recipe na ginagawa ko kasi ‘to lang ang mga ingredients na madalas ay abelabol dito sa probinsya ko.

Lemon and Lime Infused Water

              Lemon and Lime Infused Water

Mga two weeks na rin akong nagsisipag sa paggawa neto at talagang pinupuno ko ang pantog ko sa pag-iinom. Kasehodang pabalik-balik ako sa banyo para jumingle. Kebs!

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O di ba, STAY HYDRATED ang peg ng lola!

Gutter Matter

Photo credit: Google

Photo credit: Google

I’m planning to have our very old roof sidings and damaged gutters be repaired and replaced before the year 2015 ends.

While browsing the net for some tips and references on home improvement, glad that I encountered Columbus roofing companies. I know that it’s never easy to decide when to undertake a home improvement project, but again I am glad that by just reading about the said company (Columbus roofing), I came to learn some helpful stuff to think about in replacing our home’s gutter system.

Over time, due to wear and tear and lacks routine maintenance, our home gutter system has started to fail. Our original gutters are no longer straight. They are rusty therefore leaks during rainy season can already be found. In short, our gutter have deteriorated beyond repair and needs an immediate attention.

Of course, I am aware that gutters are extremely important for our home’s overall condition. I know that the installation is not as simple as nailing the new gutter to the fascia board and that’s it. The installation needs a lot of knowledge and experience that is why consulting and hiring professionals for assistance  for companies like Columbus roofing – must be considered.

I hate hiring workers who take shortcuts and very impolite. I can tell that by just reading the positive testimonials from the satisfied clients of the above-mentioned company, they can guarantee a worry-free experience, quality workmanship on installing gutters and other roofing matters with its trained professional workers.

If only a few sections of our gutters needs replacement, how I wish I could just ask my grown up nephew to take care of it with his own might. However, since our guttering system badly needs an overhaul, it is definitely wise to just hire professionals from a company that warranties its work.

Tuesday Humor 10.06.15

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Vice Mayor Isko Moreno has resigned as traffic czar of Manila. The news came as a shock for Manileños who asked, “May traffic czar ang Manila?”

Nung pagpasok mo sa Sogo binati ka ng “Good evening, sir.”
Pero pagpasok ng GF mo napayuko sila at nagsabing “Welcome back, Master.”

A man seated on a window seat of a plane saw two engines on fire. He hollered repeatedly, “Two engines on fire!” The passengers panicked, and then the pilot ran from the cockpit wearing a parachute. “Don’t worry,” the pilot said. “I’m going for help!”

JUAN: “Tay, ang CORRESPONDENCE po ba ay dalawang R?
TATAY: “Gawin mo ng tatlo anak, para sigurado!”
JUAN: “Galing nyo talaga tay, sigurista!”

GUY: “Miss, do you have a Band-aid?”
GIRL: “Yes, why?”
GUY: “Because I scraped my knees when I fell for you.”

DATI: “Bes, wait mo me.”
NGAYON: “Bes, wet na me.”

A team of South African surgeons has performed the first successful penis transplant. When they were congratulated for the historic feat, they said, “Wala yon. Maliit na bagay.”

Alam mo ba yung feeling na inaamoy mo kili-kili mo tapos may dumating…

Kaya nagkunwari kang naka-pose!

A man passed away so his best friend visited his widow.
FRIEND: “Look on the bright side, at least he’s freed of suffering.”
WIDOW: “He wasn’t ill, he died suddenly.”
FRIEND: “I know, I meant being married to you.”

Habang nagse-sex..
GIRL: “Alam mo, para kang payong ng buhay ko.”
BOY: (kilig much) “Dahil ba napo-protect kita?”
GIRL: “Hindi, dahil pag ikaw hindi talaga ako nababasa!”

A Jojo Binay’s biopic will have a very simple plot: from rags to suspicious riches!

JUAN: “Bakit walis ang ginagamit ng mga witch para makalipad?”
KARDO: “Masyado kasing mabigat ang vacuum cleaner kung yun ang gagamitin nila!”

*Thank you MIKE for the above SMS jokes.

 

 

oOo

“Ang love parang Nokia 3310, may snake.”