Monday Humor 08.25.14

I came

Define AGONY: It’s like a one armed man hanging at the edge of a cliff by his only arm with his butt devastatingly itchy.
Define DEATH: Kinamot niya!

“Nakakita ka lang ng mas makakapagpasaya sa ‘yo, kinalimutan mo na ako. Naaliw ka lang nang konti, hindi mo na ‘ko binalikan. Binigyan ka lang ng pet, farm at restaurant, akala mo kung sino ka na.” – FRIENDSTER

“Kung may HISTORY kayong dalawa… pwes, past na ‘yon! Dahil may CHEMISTRY na kami ngayon!” — banat ng mga MANG-AAGAW

Kahapon nasaktan ako nang makita ko siya, di na niya kasi ako nakilala. Pero nang tinignan ko siyang mabuti, narealize ko, di ko din pala siya kilala!

Kaya pala!

3 baliw sa mental nagkwekwentuhan:
BALIW1: “Ako presidente dito!”
BALIW2: “Wala ka sa ‘kin, ako si Presidente Obama, presidente ng America.”
BALIW1: “Sino nagsabi?”
BALIW2: “Ang Diyos.”
BALIW3: “At kailan kita sinabihan?”

BOY: “Pag tayo na, magkasama nating haharapin ang mga problema.”
GIRL: “Pero wala naman akong problema…”
BOY: “Kasi nga hindi pa tayo. Wag kang excited!”

BOY: “I love you.”
GIRL: “Shut up!”
BOY: “I want you.”
GIRL: “Shut up!”
BOY: “I miss you.”
GIRL: “Shut up!”
BOY: “Ang ganda mo…”
GIRL: “Really?”
BOY: “Shut up!”

What is the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
One is a contract and the other is pay as you go. :D

Hassim, an Arab sat next to a Nun on the bus..
HASSIM: “Would u have sex with me?”
NUN: “No!” (she got off the bus..)
BUS DRIVER: “She prays every Tuesday night in the graveyard. Why don’t you dress up in a hooded robe, go to the graveyard, tell her you’re God and demand sex?”
Hasim tried this & to his suprise the Nun said, “Yes, but only if we have anal sex to keep my virginity.”
(When they are done..)
HASSIM: “Ha,ha! I’m the Arab in the bus!”
NUN: “Ha, ha! I’m the bus driver!”

Manny Pacquiao has revealed that Mommy Dionisia, 65, is in a relationship…
Thank you Mommy Dionisia for giving hope to loveless Filipinos!

Dear Crush,
Kung nakakabuntis lang ang nakaw na tingin, ang dami na siguro nating anak.

How do men sort their laundry?
“Dirty” and “Dirty but still wearable”

oOo

“Ang buhay parang rape lang iyan. Kung di mo kayang labanan. I-enjoy mo na lang.”

Wednesday Humor 08.20.14

"Free Cock!"

“Free Cock!”

Ang kaibigan, parang unan. Andiyan kapag kailangan.
Pwede mong iyakan. Pwede mong yakapin.
Kaya kapag kailangan mo ng kaibigan… bumili ka ng unan!

Kapag ika’y nasaktan, lumaban ka.
Kung ika’y nabigo, bumangon ka.
Kapag ika’y gumulong sa hagdan at nakatingin sa ‘yo lahat, huwag kang pahalata.
Tumayo ka at sabihin mo, “Pakialam n’yo?! Ganu’n ako bumaba, eh!

Ako ay may lobo. Lumipad sa langit. Di ko na makita. Pumutok na pala. Sayang ang pera ko. Pinambili ng lobo. Kung lalaki sana, naaliw pa ako.

May kasabihan tayo na ang taong maagang gumising, maraming gagawin.
Kaya para makaligtas sa mga gawain, magpatanghali ng gising!

“I tried my best to make it up to you. but you didn’t care. now that I’m gone, you want me to come back for you? you should’ve woke up earlier to see me.” – Magtataho.

“Hindi ko mawari kung saan eksakto. Pakiramdam ko, nasa gitna ako ng bangungot at delubyo. Kung sakaling makita mo ako na malapit sa ‘yo, tatawagin mo ba ako? Maglalaan ka ba ng pagod upang kausapin ako?” — Ang text back ng isang EMO sa text na, “Wer na u?”

What’s the difference between a high school student from a college student kapag nagkaron? Guess?
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT: “Shit! Meron ako!”
COLLEGE STUDENT: “Yes! Meron ako!”

BINATA: “Miss, may payong ka ba d’yan?”
DALAGA: “Bakit?”
BINATA: “Gamitin mo na!”
DALAGA: “Bakit nga?”
BINATA: “Inuulan ka kasi ng kagandahan!”
DALAGA: “Marami bang court sa inyo?”
BINATA: “Bakit naman?”
DALAGA: “Tamang bola ka kasi!”

MELODY: “Hoy! Bakit ganyan ka makatingin sa boobs ko?”
ARMAN: “Bakit, masama ba? Eh meron akong mata!”
MELODY: “Puwes, etong sa ‘yo!” (sinampal si Arman)
ARMAN: “Bakit mo ako sinampal?”
MELODY: “Masama ba? Eh meron akong kamay!”

NOON: Babae lang ang nagpapaganda.
NGAYON: Ang mga bakla ay hindi na kailangang magpaganda.
NOON: Ang maton, puro lalaki.
NGAYON: Pati ang mga maton, babae.
NOON: Mahirap lang ang nakatsinelas.
NGAYON: Pati mayaman na. Ang mga mahihirap, nakayapak na.
NOON: Ang magtanim ay hindi biro.
NGAYON: Mahal na ang bigas, hindi na tayo makapagbiro.

oOo

“You may be sitting all alone today… but believe in the magic that someone is meant to sit beside you soon. Tapos…pag puno na…aalis na ang jeep.”

 

 

Tuesday Humor 08.19.14

"Taste it here!"

“Taste it here!”

MISIS: “Lalayas na ako.”
MISTER: “Ha?! Bakit?!”
MISIS: “Bakit ako lalayas?”
MISTER: “Hindi! Ang ibig kong sabihin, bakit ngayon ka lang lalayas?!”

BOY: “Janitress ka ba?”
GIRL: “Hindi, ah?! Teka… pick-up line ba ‘to? (kinilig)”
BOY: “Hindi! Mukha ka lang talagang janitress!”

TEBAN: “Nay, meron ba tayong ulam?”
NANAY: “Tingnan mo na lang sa ref, anak.”
TEBAN: “Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?”

Who said fill in the blank is easy?
Sige ikaw nga… try natin… Fill this blank with YES or NO..
“__________, I am not a normal person.”

In a field educational trip:
TEACHER: “Roberto, what do you call that? (pointing to a deer in the zoo)
ROBERTO: “Ewan ko po, maam.”
TEACHER: “What does your mom call your dad?”
ROBERTO: “Tarantado ba tawag diyan, maam?”

Nag-text si Rico sa ex-girlfriend niyang si Pilita…
RICO: “Pwede bang magbalikan tayo?”
PILITA: “Shut up!”
RICO: “Luv pa rin kita! Hindi ka mawala sa isip ko!”
PILITA: “Move on na! Naka-move on na ako!”
RICO: “Load-an kita!”
PILITA: “Joke! Love pa rin kita!”

Everyday, the ugly undergoes five stages of grieving in front of the mirror.
Stage #1: DENIAL. “Maganda ka, girl!”
Stage #2: ANGER. “Shit! Sawang-sawa na ‘ko sa mukhang ‘to! Sumpain ka, Shrek!”
Stage #3: BARGAINING. “Lord, puwede bang i-reincarnate mo na ako? Pagandahin mo na ‘ko. Kahit ako na ang pinaka-poor, mapasaakin lang ang mukha ni Cleopatra.”
Stage #4: DEPRESSION. “Hay, nanay ko! Saan mo ba ako ipinaglihi? Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu!”
Stage #5: ACCEPTANCE. “Hay, naku! Love me for who I am!”

MISTER: “Hon, sino ‘yang tinitingnan mo?”
MISIS: “Ex ko ‘yan, hon! I heard, lasenggo na siya after our break-up five years ago.”
MISTER: “Grabe! Ang tagal ng celebration niya!”

DIEGO: “Alam mo, pare, pangarap ko ring magkaroon ng Jaguar tulad ng tatay ko.”
ARNEL: “May Jaguar ang tatay mo?”
DIEGO: “Wala. Pero pangarap din niya.”

Boy nahulog sa septic tank sumigaw: “SUNOG! SUNOG! SUNOG!”
Dumating ang bumbero, niligtas siya at tinanong, “Bakit sunog ang sinigaw mo?”
BOY: “Kung TAE ba, pupunta kayo? TAE! TAE! TAE! Ganun?”

oOo

“Matagal ko ng hinahanap ang TRUE LOVE. Nasa KUSINA lang pala!”

Monday Humor 08.18.14

"Amen!"

“Amen!”

Ang ina!” – Sabi ng ngongong bad trip.
As I turn around the wall, I see nothing but darkness… and everytime I turn back to see some light, I couldn’t find somebody, even just one person to touch… – Taya sa taguan, nag e-emote.
  •  

MUSIC LESSON:
BENHUR LUY: unang kumanta.
NAPOLES: napa-kanta.
DE LIMA: arranger ng kanta.
RUBY TUASON: sintunadong kanta.
BUTCH ABAD: pinagmulan ng kanta.
TITLE NG KANTA: Cuartanamera.
GENRE: Porksong.

When someone is murdered, the cops always investigate the spouse first.
That pretty much tells us everything we need to know about marriage.

Isang trak, nawalan ng kontrol, nahulog sa bangin, nabuhay ang driver.
MEDIA: “Nakainom ba kayo?”
DRIVER: “Oo naman! Ano palagay mo saken, STUNTMAN?”

INAY: “Sabi ng titser mo lagi ka daw late?”
JUAN: “Kasalanan po ng iskul!”
INAY: “Bakit?”
JUAN: “Lagi po nilang pinapatunog ang bell bago ako dumating!”

INAY: “Ano gusto mong kurso?”
JUAN: “POLITICAL SCIENCE po para linisin ang kalat sa lipunan!”
INAY: “Yung kalat mo sa bahay di mo malinis, sa lipunan pa?”
Habang nasa salamin si misis…
MRS:”Honey, ang tanda ko na, mataba, puro kulubot at pangit na!”
MR: “At least, malinaw pa ang mata mo!”
MRS: “Grr!”

GURO: “Class, bakit kapag nag-oopera ang mga doktor, nagsusuot sila ng gloves?”
JUAN: “Mam, para po pag namatay ang pasyente, walang fingerprints!”

GIRL: “Alam mo pag lumalapit ka sa kin, nagmumukha akong janitor!”
BOY:(mayabang) “Dahil mukha akong artistahin?”
GIRL:”Hindi, mukha kang dustpan!”

oOo

“Ang sermon ng nanay ko parang WIFI, abot hanggang kapitbahay.”

 

 

 

Monday Humor 08.11.14

eyes

LOLO (70 yrs old): “Gawin mong 30 yrs younger sa ‘kin ang misis ko!”
GENIE: “Masusunod! (POOF!)”
LOLO: “Ano nangyari?”
GENIE: “Ginawa kitang 100 yrs old!”

An old man asked the trainer in a gym, “I want to impress a beautiful young woman. What machine should I use?”
The trainer replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!”

JUAN: “Sori po, di ako makakabayad ng upa this month!”
LANDLORD: “Ano? Yan din ang sinabi mo last month!”
JUAN: “Ako po kasi ay taong may isang salita!”

Herman’s will was read: “To my beautiful wife, I leave my two homes and 5 million. To my son Esteban, I leave my business and 2 million. To my sweet daughter, Alicia. I leave my Rolls Royce and 2 million. To my brother-in-law, Simon, who said I’d never remember him in my will…”Hi Simon!”

JUAN: “Nay, pinauwi po ako ng maaga kasi ako lang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser!”
NANAY: “Wow, ano ba’ng tanong?”
JUAN: Sino nambato sa kin ng eraser?”

PATIENT: “Doctor, I heard 10% of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.”
DOCTOR: “Don’t worry, man, those 10% patients operated by me are already dead. Now it’s the turn of the 90% survivors.”

GURO: “Juan, pag may 100 candies ako at kinain ko ang 95, meron na lang akong…?”
JUAN: “Taglay na kadamutan at mamamatay sa diabetes.”

A professor asked his class to define “brain.” A student got up and said, “Brain is what a man looks for in a woman after he has looked at everything else.”

JUAN: “Nay, di po ba sabi nyo ginawa tayo ng Diyos? Eh bakit sabi po ni itay galing daw tayo sa unggoy?”
NANAY: “Tama din sya.. sa father’s side!”

JUAN: “Mamang pulis, awatin nyo po ang itay ko!”
PULIS: “Sino ba dyan sa dalawang nag-aaway ang tatay mo?”
JUAN:”Yan nga po ang pinag-aawayan nila!”

JUAN: “Dok tulungan mo ko, ambilis kong maasar sa tao!”
DOKTOR: “Ok sabihin mo sa kin problema mo!”
JUAN:”Di ba kasasabi ko lang? Nakakaasar ka na!”

“JUAN:Dok baliw na ata ang mrs ko, 3 buwan nyang iniisip na sya’y manok!”
DOK:”Bakit ngayon mo lng dinala dito?”
JUAN:”Hinintay ko munang mangitlog!”

ITAY:”Bakit bagsak ka sa History?”
JUAN:”Tay ksalanan po ng titser!”
ITAY:”At bakit?”
JUAN:”Lahat po kasi ng tanong nya,nangyari bago ako pinanganak!”

 

oOo

” TO LIE is not A SIN. Because TO LIE is BRIDGE and A SIN is SALT.”

Wednesday Humor 08.06.14

walang kamay

NANAY: “Bakit ninyo gagawing muse ng school ang anak ko? Nakakahiya!”
TITSER: “Bakit naman kayo nahihiya? Kita niyo naman ang ganda-ganda ng anak niyo, kahawig ni Anne Curtis! Dapat maging proud kayo!”
NANAY: “Proud ka diyan! Lalaki ang anak ko! Lalaki!”

A man phoned his girlfriend and said, “I was thinking of dinner in my place at seven, babe.”
She replied, “I’ll be there at seven, babe.”
He said, “Please make it at five, the dinner won’t prepare itself.”

Kapag babae ang nagsabing “Magbayo ako ng mani,” marunong magluto iyan.
Pero kapag ang lalake nagsabi niyan, kabastusan na agad. Unfair naman!

The first toilet bowl was invented by Thomas Crapper, but credit for inventing the toilet brush goes to his wife.
Having left a skidmark on her husband’s invention, she looked into the bowl and thought, “What I need is a long-handle brush to remove the stain.”
Mr. Crapper would have beaten her to the idea, but an hour earlier, he saw his own skidmark and thought, “I bet I could blast that off by pissing on it.”

DANIEL: “Pare! Kamusta iyong ka-date mo kagabi?”
JAY: “Eto, halos malapnos ang hot dog ko.”
JAY: “Hindi, no!”
DANIEL: “Eh bakit nalapnos ang hotdog mo?”
JAY: “Nilagyan kasi niya ng hot sauce bago kinain!”

A couple drove down a rural road, not talking to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither was willing to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” she replied, “in-laws!”

Kapag hinaplos ng babae ang lalake, malambing siya.
Pero kapag lalake ang humaplos sa babae, manyak na agad?! Bakit ganoon?

It was a couple’s 25th anniversary.
As the wife peeled her clothes away, she said, “Your dinner is served.”
“I’m not eating that,” the husband replied. “It looks and smells revolting.” She said, “Just taste it.”
“No,” he replied. “Put those panty back on.”

In a supermart, a man put his screaming baby on a cart. He kept repeating, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; keep calm, Albert.” A woman standing next to him said, “You’re to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

Eksena sa ministop…
LALAKE: “Ano yang binibili mo?”
BABAE: (sabay nang-asar na tanong) “Modess, gusto mo?”
LALAKE: “Ayoko… di ako kumakain niyan… iyong lalagyan niyan ang kinakain ko.”

Raising one’s leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn’t like his wife’s tone of voice.

Sabi ni Eli Soriano…”DATING DAAN”.
Sabi ng I.N.C..”TAMANG DAAN”.
Sabi ni Pres.Noynoy “Tuwid na DAAN”
Si Napoles walang matanDAAN.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

 

oOo

“Life is short. Kaya ngumiti ka hangga’t may ngipin ka pa.”

 

Tuesday Humor 08.05.14

fans

During the last SONA, Mommy Dionisia was overheard saying, “Saan ang kubita ‘day? Di ko na kaya ‘day. Lalabas na ‘day! Tsaka bakit ba ito ang pinili mong gown ‘day? Ang kati at sikip-sikip! Pastilan! Sa sunod ‘day, gusto ko ‘yong gaya ng gown ni Nancy. Maluwang! Para diritso na ang ihi sa floor ‘day. Yawa!”

Cong. Imelda Marcos was also overheard, “A million DAP here, a billion PDAF there. So petty. Kaunting barya, pinag-aawayan! These kids. Guard, dalhin mo ko kay Nancy Binay! I’ll lecture her on fashion!”

Edited out daw sa SONA ni P-Noy ang mga linyang ito…

“Sa ilalim din ng aking panunungkulan, ideneklara ng Korte Suprema ang pork barrel o PDAF na illegal. Ang hindi papalakpak, guilty!”

Payabangan ng mga Lola…
LOLA1: “Sakit ng mata ko.grabe! kalalaro ng dota!”
LOLA2: “Eh ako nga, sakit ng katawan ko, hirap kasi ng step
namen. Puro kramping!”
LOLA3: “Ah ganon ba? Oh sya! Diyan muna kayo gagamutin ko
lang ang hita ko!”
LOLA2: “Bakit? Napapaano ka?”
LOLA3: “Hazing namin kanina. Nagpa-padel ako!”

TEACHER: “Juan, panu mu nagawa na ma-perfect ang exam mo ha?”
JUAN: “Bilib ka na naman sakin, ma’am? Mata ko pa lang ginamit ko diyan ha? Panu pa kaya kung pati utak ko na.”

A man consults a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, I’m suicidal. What should I do?”
The shrink replies, “Please pay in advance.”

Sa bilangguan..
TATAY: “Anak, salamat at dinalaw mo ako dito sa loob..”
ANAK: “Don’t worry, tay, lagi kitang bibisitahin, nandito lang ako sa kabilang selda..”

BOY: “Kayong mga BAKLA, magnanakaw ng LAKAS!”
BAKLA: “Kayong mga LALAKI, magnanakaw ng CASH!”

Imagine ALGEBRA in the public market:
“Ate sukli niyo po, x² + y +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y – 5Z ³= k= 9.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

oOo

“There’s no perfect face, no perfect lover, no perfect life. But if you learn how to be contented, everything will be perfect.”

Monday Humor 08.04.14

peanut butter

MRS: “Honey, ano ang nagustuhan mo sa akin: ang pretty face ko ba o ang beautiful body ko?”
MR: “Ang nagustuhan ko sa yo, magaling kang mag-joke!”

MISIS: “Manong pulis, ang mister ko pumunta ng palengke kahapon para bumili ng patatas, di pa bumabalik!”
PULIS: “Eh di magluto ka ng ibang putahe!”

GURO:”Bakit late ka?”
JUAN: “Mam, sinusundan po ako ng babae!”
GURO: “Eh ano naman kung sinusundan ka?”
JUAN: “Eh ambagal po nyang maglakad!”

MAX: “Nang mamatay ang lolo ko, nag-iwan ng 1 million!”
PEDRO: “Ang lolo ko, 10 million!”
JUAN: “Nang mamatay ang lolo ko, iniwan ang buong mundo!”

ANTI-THEFT ATM: US-nakahuli ng 50 robbers in 3 hours, SPAIN-nakahuli ng 100 robbers in 2 hours, PILIPINAS-nawala ang ATM machine in 1 hour!

JUAN:”Dok, sumasakit lagi ang kaliwang paa ko!’”
DOK:”Normal yan sa nagkakaedad!”
JUAN:”Weh, bakit yung kanan kasing-edad lang, di naman sumasakit?”
TEKLA:”Maganda ba ko?”
JUAN: “Dapat nasa TV ka!”
TEKLA: “Ganun ba ko kaganda?”
JUAN: “Hindi! Pag nasa TV ka, pwede kong i-off yung TV para di ka makita!”

JUAN: “Dok ako yung binunutan nyo ng ngipin last year!”
DENTIST: “May problema ba?”
JUAN: “Wala po, itatanong ko lang kung pwede na kong magsipilyo!”

JUAN: “Sir, baha kasi kaya late ako! Bawat step pasulong, inaalon ako ng 2 steps paatras.”
BOSS: “Paano ka nakarating dito?”
JUAN: “Naglakad ako pauwi!”

CHILD: “Mom, I love you!”
MOM: “I love you too.”

TEENAGER: “Mom, I love you!”
MOM: “Yes, what do you want?”

KASABIHAN:  “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back… they were really GUILTY the first time!” – JAIL WARDEN

 

 

oOo

“Pa 143… 143… pa kayo, eh 6 lang naman habol niyo.”

 

 

 

 

Thursday Humor 07.31.14

whoa

Edited out daw sa SONA ni P-Noy ang mga linyang ito…
“Sa ilalim din ng aking panunungkulan, ideneklara ng Korte
Suprema ang pork barrel o PDAF na illegal. Ang hindi
papalakpak, guilty!”

TEACHER: “Bakit late ka?”
JUAN: “Late po kasi relo ko”.
TEACHER: “Eh di i-advance mo.”
*Umalis si Juan*
TEACHER: “San punta?”
JUAN: “Uwian na po dito!”

PAG MAY BISITA SA BAHAY:
NORMAL PEOPLE: “Wow! What a beautiful house!”
BARKADA: “May WiFi kayo? Ano password?”

A woman at the self-service checkout counter left her purse.
The male cashier called her back. “Excuse me,” he said.
“Would you like to got out for dinner tonight? My treat.”

TEACHER: “Who can solve this problem? 3×5- 4×9/10 x6=?
CLASS: (walang imik lahat)
TEACHER: “Juan go to the board and solve the problem.”
JUAN: (tumayo at pumunta sa unahan. Kinuha ang eraser at binura lahat.) “Yan ma’am! Problem solved!”

Several women appeared in court each accusing the other of causing trouble in the condo they lived in. They were arguing noisily inside the courtroom when the judge banged his gavel and said, “We’re going to do this in an orderly manner. I can’t listen to you all at once. I’ll heart the oldest first.”
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony!

Sa klase…
TEACHER: “There are three kinds of verb. What are they, Juan?!”
JUAN: “No, mam! There are FOUR!”
TEACHER: “Oh really? What are they?”
JUAN: “Linking verb, Helping verb, Action verb, and…
ANGRY VERB!”

A negro attended a late night party w/o wearing any clothes.
The host thought he was in a black suit and told him, “Your suit is very nice but the tie is in the wrong place.”

Rules Sa Pangongopya
1. Iwasang makipagtalo sa mga matatalino.Tandaan mo, kumakapit ka lang sa kanila!
2. Huwag magdadalawang-isip sa kinopya. Time is gold
3. Seryoso ang mukha kapag nangongopya para kunwari, may alam ka!
4.Iwasang igalaw ang ulo kapag nangongopya. Baka mahalata ka!
5.Lakihan ang sulat. May nangongopya rin sa likod mo. Share your blessings!

Types of MAG-SYOTA:
Pagpangit ang lalaki at maganda ang babae, tawag dyan ay DISKARTE.
At pag babae naman ang pangit,gwapo ang lalaki tawag dyan ay GINAYUMA.
At pag pareho silang magandang mukha tawag dyan ay TINADHANA.
At pag ang syota ay parehong pangit yan ang tinatawag na SUMPA.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“TURN ON: Yung lalaking kayang gumawa ng LOOM BAND gamit ang goma ng gulong.”

Wednesday Humor 07.30.14

coke float

NANAY: “Tigilan mo yang pagbo-boyfriend mo! Walang mangyayari sa inyo!”
ANAK: “Weh! Bat kagabi meron!”

Ang mag syotang sabay nag leave sa trabaho, malamang live-in ang plano.

A lawyer consulted her doctor.
“Which side is it best to lie on?” he asked.
“The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.

KANO: (Trying to speak tagalog) “Megkanow isang kelow menggow?”
PINOY: “One way!”
KANO : “Megkanow?”
PINOY: “I said One way!”
KANO: “Ano Eybig Sabeyhin One way?”
PINOY: “ISANG DAAN!”

A young pregnant woman had given birth in the elevator of a hospital. She was so embarrassed that she cried. A nurse said, “Don’t feel bad. Two years ago, another woman delivered in the lawn of the hospital.” The woman burst out crying and said, “I know… that was me too!”

TITSER: “Ano ang pambansang ibon?”
STUDENT: “Chicken?”
TITSER: “Hindi kulay brown ito.”
STUDENT: “Fried chicken.”
TITSER: “Hindi mas maliit ito sa chicken.”
STUDENT: “AH, Knorr chicken cubes.”

NOON: Kapag birthday mo, madaming regalo.
NGAYON: Kapag birthday mo, madaming notification.

Two friends robbed a truck load of lumber. One’s conscience started bothering him so he went to a confession. The priest asked what his sin was. He said that he and a friend robbed a truck load of lumber. The priest said it was a big sin and asked if he know how to make a “novena.” “No,” replied the penitent, “but if you got the plans… I GOT THE LUMBER.”

Ang tunay na estudyante inuulit ang sinasabi ng teacher.
TEACHER: “Class? get 1/4 sheet of paper.”
STUDENTS: “1/4 ma’am?”

A spinster of 92 agreed to live in a nursing home but on a 2-week trial basis, so she took a small overnight case with the bare essentials.
A week later, her niece got a phone call from her asking for more clothes. “Please bring me that black silk, my lavender print…” and she went on and on.
After one question from her niece, the old lady expostulated, “There are MEN in his place!”

BOY: “Minsan, umakyat ako sa bubong. Tapos nadulas ako at nahulog sa lupa. At dun na nagsimula ang salitang..”HULOG NG LANGIT”
GIRL: “Ang tanga naman ng langit.. NAGHULOG NG PANGIT!”

Sa AMERICA, kapag nawalan ng kuryente, tumatawag sa POWER COMPANY. Sa JAPAN naman, tine-test ang FUSE.
Sa PILIPINAS, TSINE-CHECK KUNG MERON ANG KAPITBAHAY.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Right person, wrong time. Right time, wrong person. New person, old lies. Old person, new lies.”