Category Archives: Daily Humor

Monday Humor 05.02.16

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Reports say P-Noy has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So, Mar petitioned a court to allow him to use the surname “Duterte!”

The inventor of the urinal deodorizer block passed away. Long may he rest in PISS.

An emergency room resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking, “What brought you to the hospital?” The old man replied, “An ambulance.”

“How many cups of coffee will this hold?” a man asked as he placed a large thermos on a coffee shop counter. “Six cups,” advised a crew member. “Fine,” replied the man. “Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra cream!”

Breaking News: Bading, biglang nangisay at nanigas nang makatikim ng tea tea.

Ang bagong alternatibo sa mga dating mahilig sa Milk Tea… Ang “BAT TEA.”

Hindi kami naniniwala sa teleserye na “Bridges of love.” Dahil ang true love nasa HAGDAN hindi sa TULAY!

Standing in front of the mirror the wife said, “I am not fat, you wouldn’t call me fat, would you?” Her husband replied, “Of course not darling. Delusional, but never fat.”

WIFE: “Truth or dare?”

HUSBAND: “Truth.”

WIFE: “So tell me, do I look fat in this dress?”

HUSBAND: “Woah, woah, woah! This is not fair.. I said truth not dare!’

Sinabi ng misis sa mister, “Babe, nag-ahit ako, alam mo ba ibig sabihin nun?” at kumindat pa si misis. “Tangina,” sagot ng mister kay misis, “Hah? Barado na naman ang banyo?”

As I stood swaying at the British Airways ticket counter, the sales agent asked, “May I help you, sir?” “Yes,” I slurred as I unzipped my Superman costume to get my wallet, “one way ticket to Amsterdam please.” “You’re unable to fly, sir,” he replied. “You’re too drunk.” I said, “I know, mate, that’s why I’m getting a plane.”

BOSS: “I think you’re not too bright at all. But you have come early to work for the past two years. You deserve a reward. “

EMPLOYEE: “Thanks, boss! What’s my reward then? “

BOSS: “How does a brand new car sound? “

EMPLOYEE: “Vroom, vroom…”

 

oOo

“Don’t be a woman that needs a man… Be a woman a man needs!”

Tuesday Humor 04.12.16

At a press forum…
REPORTER: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
BINAY: “In a house.”
REPORTER: “Vacation?”
BINAY: “House arrest!”

A wife stormed into a pub and as her husband and the boys were downing Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
No, I’m not,” he laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids!”

Parang patungo na sa Hunger Games ang magiging format ng eleksyon…
Hamon here. Hamon there.

INTERVIEWER: “Why did you leave your previous job?”
APPLICANT: “Because once they fire you, they won’t let you stay!”

In an apparent dig at Senator Grace Poe, Vice President Jejomar Binay says the country needs leaders with “experience and competence.” Which begs the question, “Why did you let Nancy run?”

Pintas:
Yung boobs mo parang advertisement ng burger ng McDo…
Sa picture lang malaki.

At midnight… wife’s mobile phone beeps.
Husband checks it & gets angry. He wakes his wife up.
HUSBAND: (angry) “Who is this person saying “beautiful”?”
Surprised, wife checks her mobile phone.
WIFE: (very angry) “Hey! Use your magnifying glass… ‘It’s not beautiful… It’s battery full!!'”

Girl announced her engagement to her father.
FATHER: “Does this fellow have any money?”
GIRL: “Oh! Dad, you men are all alike.  That’s exactly what he asked me about you!”

Ang sabi nila mas madami daw ang babae kaysa lalake sa buong mundo.
Kaya huwag magtataka kung bakit maraming kabit.

“Senior Moments”
An old Fellow fell in Love with a Lady. He got down on his knees.. & told her there were 2 things he would like to ask her.
She replied: “0K”…
He said: “Will you Marry Me?”
She replied: ” YES “…
Then asked what his 2nd  Question was ?…
He replied: “Will you help me stand up?”

“I saw you kissing my sister last night!” jeered the brat to the embarrassed teenager.
“All right! Not so loud,” replied the youth. “Here’s 50 cents to keep your mouth shut.”
“Gee, thanks! Wait a minute and I’ll give you 20 cents change.”
“20 cents change? What for?”

“I like to be fair, and it’s the same price for everybody.”

Dapat aware tayo sa feelings ng asawa o girlfriend natin.
Pero girls, sana maging aware din kayong nasasaktan din kami kapag sumabit ang ipin niyo.

A wife opened her birthday present and as she held it in her hands she said to her husband, “This is nice but why a mirror?”
He replied, “In case you forget why I’m leaving you.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Yung ibang kandidato parang EX mo. Minsan ka nang sinaktan at niloko tapos ang lakas ng loob bumalik syo. At dahil tanga ka pababalikin mo.” – Vice Ganda

Saturday Humor 04.09.16

Pampanga’s most controversial family, the Pinedas, endorsed Mar Roxas for the presidency. When asked how he felt to have the backing of Bong and Lilia Pineda, Mar said, “Parang tumama sa jueteng!”

Tinutukan ng kutsilyo ang babae..
LALAKE: “Wag kang sisigaw, rape ‘to!”
BABAE: “Huhuhu… wag po, kuya, parang awa mo na!”
LALAKE: “Happy april fools! hahaha…”
BABAE: “Kinabahan naman ako sayo, kuya!”
LALAKE: “Joke lang… holdap lang ‘to!”

Kim Wong returned the money stolen by hackers from the Bangladeshi Central Bank. When asked if they are willing to do the same, the Marcoses said, “We didn’t connive with hackers!”

Blood types of Presidentiables:
MAR ROXAS – Blue Blood
MIRIAM SANTIAGO – High Blood
DIGONG DUTERTE – Cold Blood
GRACE POE – Half Blood
JOJO BINAY – Dinuguan!

Friend, tatlo pala ngayon ang Makati:

Makati na Ayala, Makati na Mahirap at Makati ang Kamay (mga Binay)!!

Accused plunderer Sen. Johnny Ponce Enrile announced that he would campaign for presidential aspirant Jojo Binay. In an unrelated news, anthropologists have debunked the old adage, “Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.”

In U. S. politics, Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called “Trumpeters.” In Pinas, some supporters of Digong Duterte are being called “Dutertenatics,” while Binay supporters are denying that they are called “Binayarans.”

San Juan City Mayor Guia Gomez, partner of Manila Mayor Erap has endorsed Mar Roxas for the presidency. The five other presidential candidates are not worried as they can still rely on the support of Erap’s five other partners.

A man bought some dragon scales from China for his wife.
SHE: “Ooh, they’re beautiful! What are they?”
HE: “Dragon scales. They’re very rare!”
SHE: “What are they for?”
HE: “Weighing dragons!”

A boss yelled at an employee, “This is the fifth time you’ve been late to work this month! Do you know what that means?”
The employee replied, “Probably that it’s Friday.”

APO: “Lola, ako po ang pinaka-unang natuto ng ABC sa school!”
LOLA: “Very good ka, apo, wag mayabang!”
APO: “Lola, ako din pinaka-mabilis magbilang ng 1 to 10.”
LOLA: “Ok yan, wag kang makulit ha!”
APO: “Lola, ako na rin pinaka-matangkad sa school!”
LOLA: “Malamang! grade 1 ka lang pero trenta ka nang hinayupak ka!”

TRIVIA:
Alam niyo ba na ang magandang babae libre sa inuman.
Pero kapag pangit, hinihingan ng ambag! 😀

BABAE:  “Gusto ko magpa-tattoo malapit sa ano ko. Ano magandang design?”
LALAKE: “Bird’s nest. Para duon dadapo ang bird ko.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Ang pinaka kinakatakutan ng mga lalakeng mataba ay hindi ang pagiging mabigat… kundi ang pagkakaroon ng girlfriend na mas maliit pa ang boobs kaysa sa kanila.”

Friday Humor 04.08.16

 

 

Paggamit ng PAUL sa pangungusap.
”Paul, be carePAUL. Don’t try to PAUL your sister, ‘coz you both might PAUL in the swimming PAUL.”

LOLA: “Paraahhh!”
DRIVER: “Bakit po?”
LOLA: “Jingle lang ako.” (nag-fart)
DRIVER: “Sabi niyo ji-jingle kayo, ba’t kayo umutot?”
LOLA: “Totoy, wen der’s rain, der is thunder!”

At a resto…
WAITER:  “How did you find your steak, sir?”
CUSTOMER:  “Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!”

Girls, pag sinulit niyo ang lalake sa puro palibre, susulitin din kayo nun sa sex. Hindi yun papayag na hindi mabawi ang puhunan niya.

QUESTION: Why do only 15% of women go to heaven?
ANSWER: Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Halos lahat nalang ng mga palabas ay tungkol sa KABIT
*No Other Woman
*A Secret Affair
*The Mistress
*Amazing Spiderman
*Amazing Spiderman 2

“Sarap makipagharutan sa taong mahal mo, yung tipong hahampasin ka nya ng unan tapos hahampasin mo sya ng folding bed.”

GIRL: “Bastos ka ah! Ba’t mo hinawakan pwet ko!”
BOY: “There was never an ass.”

TURN ON: Yung taong namamansin, HINDI yung taong papansin

“Hindi hadlang ang mga bilbil sa ating katakawan.
Gabay lamang sila.
Meron tayong FREE TASTE,
Kainin natin ito.”

RICH KIDS: Amazing!
POOR KIDS: Boom Panes!

A father and son went deep-sea fishing. Out at sea, the father saw his son drilling a hole in the boat. When asked what he was doing, the son replied, “There’s coming into the boat, so I made another hole for it to escape!”

TANONG: Anong baboy ang malungkot?
SAGOT: PIGhati.

KOREAN TEA
Binabayaran natin sa Meralco.

FLAG RAISING CEREMONY
minsan sa labas,
minsan sa loob ng salawal mo kapag nakakita ka ng sexy.

  •  

DOG
minsan hayop,
minsan style.

MANI
minsan kutkutin,
minsan kinukutkot.

TUYO
Minsan ulam,
minsan pepe niya

 

 

oOo

Only two phrases can change a woman’s mood: ” I love you” and “50% off”.

Thursday Humor 04.07.16

 

BOY:”Donut ka ba?”
GIRL: “Bakit? Kasi sweet ako?”
BOY: “Hindi, masarap ka sana…kaso Butas ka na eh.”

ROXAS: “Pati kama at iba pang gamit sa OSMAK, overpriced sabi ng COA.”
BINAY: “Hindi overpriced yan. We are entitled to mamahaling gamit. Taga-Makati kami! Sosyalin!”
ROXAS: “Pati building, bawat square meter, overpriced sabi ng COA.”
BINAY: “Paulit-ulit ka ng bintang! Disipulo ka ni Goebbels!”
ROXAS: “Paulit-ulit ka ng deny. Spell ‘Goebbels!'”
BINAY: “Wag muna ibahin ang usapan. Balik tayo sa overpricing.”

DUTERTE: “You’re a fraud. Sabi mo graduate ka ng Wharton, hindi naman!”
ROXAS: “Wharton po ako at Wharton na po ang nagsabi!”
BINAY: “Digong, baka naman umattend ng seminar sa Wharton. Hihihi…”{
ROXAS: “Sandali, ito nga pala sabi ng COA sa overprized Makati school building…”
BINAY: “Ba’t ba ako nasali diyan? Oras mo yan Digong. Go! Kaya mo na yan!”

VP Binay’s daughter, Abby, who’s ending her term as a congresswoman of Makati City is now running as city mayor. Her campaign spiel worries some Makati residents: “Ipagpapatuloy ang nasimulan ng aking ama.”

An Iranian billionaire was sentenced to death for corruption. Sighing with relief, VP Binay said, “Thank God, I’m a Filipino!”

WIFE: “Every time we argue, you think you’re right!”
HUSBAND: “Yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn’t be arguing.”

For six years since 2010, Quezon City topped the list of places with the highest number of thefts and robberies. Hardly surprising considering the House of Representatives is in Quezon City!

50 Shades of Blue…
the true story of a married man’s testicles.

  •  

A wife could learn a lot from a dog.
The way the creature’s face lights up when offered a bone.

Two neighbors were talking when one of them said he’s going to Beijing.
NEIGHBOR1: “Oh that’s nice, the wifey and I are going to travel too.”
NEIGHBOR2: “Oh, where are you going?”
NEIGHBOR1: “Well, we’re excited to go to Walmart to see all the new Chinese products.”

A lady of the house returned home one afternoon and asked her new maid, “Did you clean out the refrigerator as I told you?”
“Yes, ma’am
,” replied the maid. “And everything was delicious!”

At a dental clinic..
PATIENT: “Hey, that wasn’t the tooth I wanted pulled.”
DENTIST: “Relax and calm yourself, I’m coming to it!”

Reports say that senatorial candidate, Cong. Ferdinand Martin Romualdez of Leyte, has spent more than a half Billion pesos on pre-campaign political ads alone. And Mme. Imelda Marcos allegedly said, “Pamangkin nga kita!”

If he becomes president, Digong Duterte vows that his first wife and current girlfriend will have separate rooms in Malacanang. Mayor Erap remarked that he would never do that because there would be a shortage of rooms!

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Ang pag-ibig ay parang pagboto. Kailangan mong pag-isipang mabuti para di ka magsisi sa huli. At legally allowed for 18yrs old and above only. ”

Tuesday Humor 02.16.16

CUSTOMER: “Pabili nga po ng kape.”
TINDERA: “Anong kape po?”
CUSTOMER: “Yung MATAPANG, YUNG KAYA AKO IPAGLABAN.”

CUSTOMER: “Pabili po ng pain reliever.”
TINDERA: “Ilang piraso?”
CUSTOMER: “Isa lang po, kasi saming dalawa, ako lang ang nasaktan.”

CUSTOMER: “Ate pabili po ng electric fan”.
TINDERA: “Anong klase?”
CUSTOMER: “Yung steady lang, yun tipong hindi lilingon sa iba.”

CUSTOMER: “Pabili po ng bubble gum.”
TINDERA: “Anong klase?”
CUSTOMER: “Yung di lang sa simula sweet, yung kahit matagal na di padin nawawala.”

CUSTOMER: “Pabili nga po ng ilaw.”
TINDERA: “Anong klase?”
CUSTOMER: “Yung maliwanag. Yung makikita nya yung halaga ko.”

TINDERA: “Welcome to mcdonald’s may I take your order?”
CUSTOMER: “Isang bf fries po ate.”
TINDERA: “Ah bff fries po?”
CUSTOMER: “Bf fries lang ate, walang forever.”

CUSTOMER: “Pabili po ng pampers.”
TINDERA: “Ilan?”
CUSTOMER: “Tatlo po. Tatlo po kasi kaming baby nya.”

Just Before Hanging, Judge Asked,
JUDGE: “Any Last Wish?”
PRISONER: “Yes.. I Want To Update My Facebook Status As “DEAD”.”

DAUGHTER: “Mom. . My boyfriend doesn’t believe in heaven and hell.”
MOM: “Alright. . You marry your bf and let him experience heaven in you. . I’ll take care of the hell part.”

GORIO: “At ikaw ang pinaka magandang kulot sa balat ng lupa.”
BULBOL: “Ok”

oOo
“Life is too short to be unhappy.”

Saturday Humor 02.13.16

If he becomes president, Digong Duterte vows that his first wife and current girlfriend will have separate rooms in Malacanang. Mayor Erap remarked that he would never do that because there would be a shortage of rooms!

“Do you think there is intelligent life on Mars?” asks Juan.
“Sure do,” replies Jose, “you don’t see them spending billion of bucks to come here, do you?”

At midnight… wife’s mobile phone beeps.
Husband checks it & gets angry. He wakes his wife up.

HUSBAND: (angry) “Who is this person saying “beautiful”?”
Surprised, wife checks her mobile phone.
WIFE: (very angry) “Hey! Use your magnifying glass… ‘It’s not beautiful… It’s battery full!!'”

COP:  “This is a ticket for being drunk and disorderly behavior.”
GUY:  “Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest!”

My doctor said that I should eat better…
I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all!

Soon, moneyed candidates will visit cities, provinces, and the remotest barangays to woo voters. Officially, it is called “campaign period” In the words of the CPP-NPA, it’s “business opportunity”.

The flight attendant was pointing out to passengers that their seats could be removed and used as flotation devices. One woman, on her first flight, said, “I’d prefer to be sitting on a parachute!”

Mar has challenged Digong to a fist fight. Many seem to be surprise how the LP bet has been behaving lately. They thought Mar has bared his other side – tough, daring, brave, fearless – for the first time. Which is unfair since he first showed these qualities when he married Koring!

At a press forum…
REPORTER:  “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
BINAY: “In a house.”
REPORTER: “Vacation?”
BINAY: “House arrest!”

A man suggested to his wife that she’d look beautiful with her hair back.
Apparently that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Parang patungo na sa Hunger Games ang magiging format ng eleksyon…
Hamon here. Hamon there.

A friend vows to lose 30 pounds this month. “Pag nagawa niya, sasampalin niya ako; if not, samsapalin ko siya.”
No, we’re not Mar and Digong!

**Thank you Mike for the above SMS jokes.

 

oOo

“Wag puro lovelife. Enjoy your life.”

Thursday Humor 02.11.16

 

“Mommy, guwapo ba ako?” 
“Itanong mo sa girlfriend mo.”
“Wala akong girlfriend.”
“Exactly!”

Senior Moments
An old Fellow fell in Love with a Lady. He got down on his knees.. & told her there were 2 things he would like to ask her.
She replied: “0K”…
He said: “Will you Marry Me?”
She replied: ” YES “…
Then asked what his 2nd  Question was?…
He replied: “Will you help me stand up?”

Though he loved the design of his new tie. Juan had no choice but to take it back to the store. When the salesman asked what was wrong with it, Juan replied, “Too tight.”

“Ano kayang puwedeng kainin mamaya?”
Most Pinoys asked after almost every meal.

Girl announced her engagement to her father.
FATHER:  “Does this fellow have any money?”
GIRL: “Oh! Dad, you men are all alike.  That’s exactly what he asked me about you!”

QUESTION: Why do only 15% of women go to heaven?
ANSWER: Because if they all went, it would be hell.

In U. S. politics, Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called “Trumpeters”. In Pinas, some supporters of Digong Duterte are being called “Dutertenatics”, while Binay supporters are denying that they are called “Binayarans”.

An elderly man just finished his annual physical when the doctor saw him grinning from ear to ear. The doctor said, “Fred, we did the works – heart, lungs, credit scores, investments and guess what? You can afford to live another 20 years!”

A man bought some dragon scales from China for his wife.
SHE: “Ooh, they’re beautiful! What are they?”
HE: “Dragon scales. They’re very rare!”
SHE: “What are they for?”
HE: “Weighing dragons!”

A boss yelled at an employee, “This is the fifth time you’ve been late to work this month! Do you know what that means?”
The employee replied, “Probably that it’s Friday.”

The Sandiganbayan has junked Jinggoy Estrada’s petition for bail.
Bong Revilla is asking Lani Mercado, his children, and their supporters to pray harder!

INTERVIEWER: “Why did you leave your previous job?”
APPLICANT: “Because once they fire you, they won’t let you stay!”

**Thank you MIKE for the above SMS jokes.

 

 

oOo

“Mas okay pa ang mahulog sa manhole kesa sa maling tao.”

Monday Humor 1.25.16

BUKNOY: “Tay, naglalakad yung mga gulay natin.”
TATAY: “Paano mo naman nasabi, anak?”
BUKNOY: “Yung talong po nakarating sa kuwarto ni ate.”

Girl announced her engagement to her father.
FATHER: “Does this fellow have any money?”
GIRL: “Oh! Dad, you men are all alike.  That’s exactly what he asked me about you!”

MARIA: “Ang kuripot talaga ng boyfriend ko.”
PETRA: “Bakit, ano nangyari?”
MARIA: “Biruin mo naman.. sabi ko gusto kong makita ang Davao… binigyan ako ng postcard!”

A man visited a friend tending elephants at a zoo. He found him crying and when asked what happened, the man replied that the largest elephant had died.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know you were so close to the elephant.”
“I’m not, I have to bury it.”

BOY: “Pa-torjack naman!
GIRL: “Yuck! Di ka talaga romantic!
LALAKE: “O sige, totorjakin kita sa itaas  ng bundok at sa ilalim ng mga bituin!”
GIRL: “Yan… OK!”

One bank opened a branch near a cemetery and put up this sign: “You can’t take it with you when you go, but bank with us and you would at least be near it.”

A lola doing the way of the cross in a church.
LALAKE: “Lola, baliktad po yata ang way of the cross niyo?”
LOLA: “Tama ito, hijo!”
LALAKE: “Mali po, dapat po sa 1st station kayo magsimula hindi sa 14th station!”
LOLA: “Ganun ba? Kaya palakas nang palakas si Kristo!”

HUSBAND: “After all these years of marriage. Why have you never threatened to divorce me?”
WIFE: “I’d hate to see you happy!”

PARE1: “Pre, anong sakit mo?”
PARE2: “Diabetes, pre.”
PARE1: “Acquired mo yan?”
PARE2: “Hindi, namana ko lang etong sakit na eto sa papa ko.”
PARE1: “Bakit, diabetic din sya?”
PARE2: “Hindi.. Sugar Daddy!”

A fat lady drops coin in pay weighing scale, waited a while, then a thermal paper came out with the message, “Sorry, only ONE customer at a time.”

*Thank you MIKE for the above SMS jokes.

 

 

oOo

“Old age is when candlelit dinners are no longer romantic, because, you cannot read the menu!”

Thursday Humor 01.21.16

DALAGA: “Excuse me, pogi… Meron kang kamukha.”
BINATA: “Sino?”
DALAGA: “Yung susunod kong BF!”
BINATA: “Sorry, hindi puwede yan!”
DALAGA: “Bakit?”
BINATA: “May BF na kasi ako. At para sa kaalaman mo, hindi ako TOMBOY!”

ANAK: “Akala ko ba ampon niyo ako, eto birth certificate ko! Antagal niyo sakin nilihim na tunay nyo aköng anak!”
MAGULANG: “Pero anak, tinuring ka din namin na parang pekeng anak.”
ANAK: “Ano na lang sasabihìn ng mga kamag-anak natin kapag nalaman nilang tunay nyo akong anak? Ayoko na dito, aalis na ako!”
MAGULANG: “Saan ka pupunta?”
ANAK: “Hahanapin ko mga peke kong magulang!”

MOTHER: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You’ve been studying for 3 years, and you can only count up to 10. What will you do in life if you go on like that?”
LITTLE BOY: “I’ll be a referee at boxing matches!”

DOKTOR: “Pag di kayo tumigil ng pag-inom ng alak maaring mabulag kayo!”
PASYENTE: “Ako’y 80 taon na. Sa palagay ko ay nakita ko nang lahat ang mga dapat makita!”

Two guys were talking during lunch.
GUY1: “You wouldn’t believe what happened this morning. A girl on a bike rode up to me, undressed herself, and told me, “take whatever you want.” So I took her bike.”
GUY2: “Good choice! Her clothes probably woudn’t fit you!”

Fantasy ng Babae:
Ang pag-agawan siya ng dalawang lalake.
Fantasy ng Lalake:
Ang i-share siya ng dalawang babae.

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“It’s the police, sir.”
“You’ll have to wait, I’m having a poo.”
“We know, sir. The phone booth has glass sides!”

Two flies land on a pile of manure. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”

*Thank you MIKE for the above SMS jokes.

 

 

oOo

“May oras na darating na kailangang palayain ang isang lalake, di dahil ayaw mo na sa kanya, kundi alam mong mas masaya siya kung hahayaan mo siyang magmahal sa kapwa niyang lalake!”