Thursday Humor 04.30.15

clemency

The inventor of the urinal deodorizer block passed away. Long may he rest in PISS.

An emergency room resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking, “What brought you to the hospital?” The old man replied, “An ambulance.”

In 2012, former U. S. first lady and Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton said she wouldn’t run for president again. On Monday, she declared her bid for the presidency. Gloria Macapagal Arroyo is suing her for copyright infringement.

Reports say P-Noy has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So, Mar petitioned a court to allow him to use the surname “Binay!”

“How many cups of coffee will this hold?” a man asked as he placed a large thermos on a coffee shop counter. “Six cups,” advised a crew member. “Fine,” replied the man. “Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra cream!”

Breaking News: Bading, biglang nangisay at nanigas nang makatikim ng tea tea.

Ang bagong alternatibo sa mga dating mahilig sa Milk Tea… Ang “BAT TEA.”

Hindi kami naniniwala sa teleserye na “Bridges of love.” Dahil ang true love nasa HAGDAN hindi sa TULAY!

Standing in front of the mirror the wife said, “I am not fat, you wouldn’t call me fat, would you?” Her husband replied, “Of course not darling. Delusional, but never fat.”

WIFE: “Truth or dare?”
HUSBAND: “Truth.”
WIFE: “So tell me, do I look fat in this dress?”
HUSBAND: “Woah, woah, woah! This is not fair.. I said truth not dare!’

Sabi ng wife sa husband, “Babe, nag-ahit ako, alam mo ba ibig sabihin nun?” at kumindat pa siya. Tangina, sagot ng husband sa wife, “Hah? Barado na naman ang banyo?”

Thank you Mike for the above jokes.

 

oOo

“Cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend is acceptable IF AND ONLY IF… you have a worthy face.”

Thursday Humor 04.23.15

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DOG…
minsan hayop,
minsan style.

A wife came back from the hospital and told her husband that she was pregnant.
He said, “April Fool!” “Don’t be silly,” she replied. “I’m not,” he laughed. “I replaced your urine with my girlfriend’s.”

According to the Gospels, Jesus was arrested after the Last Supper. No fanfare, no media coverage, and no petition filed for hospital arrest.

NOON, mahalaga ang honeymoon dahil ireregalo ng babae ang kanyang puri sa kanyang kabiyak.
NGAYON, lahat ng klaseng moon, full moon, new moon, half moon at kahit wala ngang moon, sige patira lang.

The fortune teller looked into her crystal ball and said to her male customer, “You’re going to turn into a woman with massive forehead.” “That’s just your reflection,” he replied.

Gusto mo ng Boyfriend na malinis sa katawan? Pwes, maghanap ka ng Janitor!

Gay jokes are really not cool.
CUM on, guys!

Today’s Quote: “Iwasan ang milk tea dahil nakakamatay… Buti pa ang tea-tea nakakabuhay.”

A Makati resident admits people who are gathered at the city hall are being paid 300 pesos for 12 hours and 500 pesos for 24 hours. Critics describe them as “hakot.” The Binays insist they’re “self employed.”

The nation marked the 73rd Araw ng Kaghtingan on April 9. In his speech in Bataan, P-Noy said, “Nagbabalik tanaw tayo sa aral ng nakaraan upang hindi na maulit ang mga dating kamalian.” The title of the speech was, “Note To Self.”

It’s Showtime’s “Sine mo ‘to”…
ANNE CURTIS: “Kanta ka, yung may birit.”
MADLANG PIPOL:[Michael Jackson song] “JUST BIRIT! JUST BIRIT!”

SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

Ang LOVE, parang SPORTS ‘yan. Kaya mo bang maipanalo ang isang laro kung reserba ka lang?”

Monday Humor 04.20.15

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DIEGO: “Alam mo, pare, pangarap ko ring magkaroon ng Jaguar tulad ng tatay ko.”
ARNEL: “May Jaguar ang tatay mo?”
DIEGO: “Wala. Pero pangarap din niya.”

BINATA: “Miss, may payong ka ba d’yan?”
DALAGA: “Bakit?”
BINATA: “Gamitin mo na!”
DALAGA: “Bakit nga?”
BINATA: “Inuulan ka kasi ng kagandahan!”
DALAGA: “Marami bang court sa inyo?’
BINATA: “Bakit naman?”
DALAGA: “Tamang bola ka kasi!”

Bagong pasok sa preso si Diego…
DIEGO: “Sino ba ang naghahari-harian dito, ha?! Sino?!”
BRUTUS: “AKO! BAKIT?!”
DIEGO: “Gawin mo ‘kong reyna!”

What’s the difference between a high school student from a college student kapag nagkaron? Guess?
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT: “Shit! Meron ako!”
COLLEGE STUDENT: “Yes! Meron ako!”

TATAY: “Isa sa mga anak natin ang kumuha ng pera sa wallet ko!”
NANAY: “Sobra ka, bakit mo pinagbibintangan ang mga bata? Malay mo, ako ang kumuha!”
TATAY: “Sure akong hindi ikaw, may natira eh!”

BOY 1: “Tol, panget ba ako?”
BOY 2: “Panget nanay mo, panget tatay mo, tas panget kapatid mo. Ano ka? himala?”

ANAK: “Inay, may night swimming po kami ha.”
MAMA: “O sige anak…wag kang papagabi ha?”

BOY: “Ang bata mong tingnan.”
GIRL: “Syempre, baby face eh.”
BOY: “Hindi ah, yung bo*bs mo kasi pang- grade three.”
GIRL: “GAGO!”

JAY: “Pare, iniligtas ko kahapon sa rape ung isang napakagandang babae.”
GLENN: “Wow pare, astig mo. Paano mo naman nagawa un, pre?”
JAY: “Wala lang pre, nagself-control lang ako.”

 

 

oOo

“Nakakalungkot mang isipin, CONDOLENCE sa lahat ng patay na patay sa ‘kin.”

Saturday Humor 04.18.15

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DAD: “Mabait ba ang boyfriend mo?”
ANAK: “Yes, Daddy.”
DAD: “Maka-Diyos?”
ANAK: “Sobra Dad.”
DAD: “Nasaan siya?”
ANAK: “Nandoon sa simbahan, nagmimisa!”

 

“Ang ina!”
Sabi ng ngongong bad trip.

Bugoy complained to the police: “Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house”.
POLICE: ‘How the thief did not take the TV?“
BUGOY: “I was watching TV”.

Galing ako sa hospital..
Sabi ng Doctor, may complication daw ako sa puso..
Either ICU or U C Me.

NOON: Babae lang ang nagpapaganda.
NGAYON: Ang mga bakla ay hindi na kailangang magpaganda.

NOON: Ang maton, puro lalaki.
NGAYON: Pati ang mga maton, babae.

NOON: Mahirap lang ang nakatsinelas.
NGAYON: Pati mayaman na. Ang mga mahihirap, nakayapak na.

NOON: Ang magtanim ay hindi biro.
NGAYON: Mahal na ang bigas, hindi na tayo makapagbiro.

Everyday, the ugly undergoes five stages of grieving in front of the mirror.
STAGE#1: DENIAL. “Maganda ka, girl!”
STAGE#2: ANGER. “Shit! Sawang-sawa na ‘ko sa mukhang ‘to! Sumpain ka, Shrek!”
STAGE#3: BARGAINING. “Lord, puwede bang i-reincarnate mo na ako? Pagandahin mo na ‘ko. Kahit ako na ang pinaka-poor, mapasaakin lang ang mukha ni Cleopatra.”
STAGE#4: DEPRESSION. “Hay, nanay ko! Saan mo ba ako ipinaglihi? Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu!”
STAGE#5: ACCEPTANCE. “Hay, naku! Love me for who I am!”

Kung ang pagmumura ay naimbento dati pa…
JOSE RIZAL: “Amp! Bkit ako dadalin sa Dapitan?!”
BONIFACIO: “Punitin ang putanginang sedula!”
LAPU-LAPU: “Tangina, naka – itak lang tau, pota!”
FLORANTE: “Shit! Ang sarap mo, Laura! Ina mo ka!”

BOY: “Janitress ka ba?”
GIRL: “Hindi, ah?! Teka… pick-up line ba ‘to?” (kinilig)
BOY: “Hindi! Mukha ka lang talagang janitress!”

Matapos ang exams…
CESAR: “Pare, nahirapan ka ba questions sa exam?”
DANILO: “Hindi.”
CESAR: “Ang galing mo naman!”
DANILO: “Sa answers kasi ako nahirapan, pare!”

MELODY: “Hoy! Bakit ganyan ka makatingin sa boobs ko?”
ARMAN: “Bakit, masama ba? Eh meron akong mata!”
MELODY: “Puwes, etong sa ‘yo!” (sinampal si Arman)
ARMAN: “Bakit mo ako sinampal?”
MELODY: “Masama ba? Eh meron akong kamay!”

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oOo

“Ang batang mabait… may kailangan.”

Friday Humor 04.17.15

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GIRL: “Ang cute ng dog! Anong breed?”
BOY:”Breed? Breed crumbs??”

RICH KID: “OMG! Wtf!”
POOR KID: “Tangina ka! Letse ka! Pag ako inatake sa puso mumultuhin kitang punyeta ka!”

PULLEY – yung alagad ng batas, pero isa lang.
PULLEY pag marami, PULLEYS.
Pag maraming marami, PULLEYS STATION.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Obama!
Obama who?
Obamaaaaaaaaa self, don’t wanna live OBAMA self anymore…

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Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Paksiw!
Paksiw who?
What does the PAKSIW? Ring ding ding ding dingering gering gering!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Pa-autoload naman how much magkano!
Pa-autoload naman how much magkano who?
Nothing’s gonna change my love for you, pa~autoload naman how much magkano.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Nemo!
Nemo who?
NEMO lam dahil sayo, ako’y di makakain, di rin makatulog buhat ng iyong lokohin.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Chicken!
Chicken who?
Chicken nya pa rin babalik sigaw ng damdamin.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Hi Kim!
Hi Kim who?
HI KIM in like a wrecking ball.

PEDRO: “Pare, gagawa ako ng pelikula. Ako ang direktor, producer, cameraman, ako rin ang bida. Ang title, “Ang AKIN ay AKIN, ang IYO ay AKIN pa rin, ang HINDI SA AKIN ay MAPAPASAKIN”. Ano, ayos ba?”
JUAN: “Pare, ang haba naman ng title.”

 

oOo

“Sabi ng utak ko, TAMA NA. Pero sabi ng tiyan ko,“SUS, KAIN PA!””

Wednesday Humor 04.08.15

Kq6 Pjrp

SHYNESS
Di ba sila yung mga nakatira sa China? Mga SHYNESS.

JEEPNEY DRIVER: “Hoy, bakit pitong piso lang binigay mo? Walo na ang pamasahe ngayon!”
INDAY: “I am presently enrolled in a 2-year vocational course, that is why I paid you an amount less than what you had expected. Because as covered by R.A. 123, Sec.45, paragraph 67 I am entitled to a certain priviledge of financial consideration, therefore the amount I paid you is correct.”
JEEPNEY DRIVER: “Sabihin mo lang estudyante ka!!! Andaming daldal.”

Hello DJ
JUAN: “Hello DJ? May nakita po akong wallet na may P15,000 at ID na may pangalang Patrick Panum.”
DJ: “You’re so honest! Mister, are you gonna return it now?”
JUAN: “Hindi po. Gusto ko mag-dedicate ng sad song para sa kanya.”

HOLDAPER: “Hold up ‘to!”
ALE: “Oh ano ngayon? Tinatanong ba namin?”
HOLDAPER: “Sige bababa na lang ako. Ganyan naman kayo eh, parang others.”

GIRL: “Baby! I love you! Mwah.”
BOY: “Wag mo nga akong bine-baby!”
GIRL: “Huh? Bakit?”
BOY: “Pag ako nainis, dedede ako sa ‘yo!”

At an Italian wedding, the priest asked the bride, “Do you take Franco Guiseppe Antonio to be your husband?”
The bride looking very confused replied, “Father, there is a mistake. I am only marrying Frank!”

Pag tumabi ka ba sa tatay mo, Father-side ba tawag dun? At pag tumabi ka nman ba sa nanay mo, Mother-side din ba tawag dun?

FLAG RAISING CEREMONY
Minsan sa labas,
minsan sa loob ng salawal mo kapag nakakita ka ng sexy.

Kamuntik akong naging doctor. Pinakuha ako ng entrance test. Ang tanong:
“Ano ang bahagi ng katawan ng tao na mas higit kapakipakinabang kung matigas ito? hint: may mga letrang P*E*I*N*S”
Ang mga sumagot ng “SPINE” ay naging mga doctor.
Iyung iba tulad ko, heto… pa-basa-basa ng mga jokes.

Sa panahon ngayon, mas iniiyakan pa ang gasgas na cell phone…
kesa sa gasgas na pepe.

 

oOo

“Mahirap ngumiti…lalo na pag bungi!”

Thursday Humor 03.12.15

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GIRL1: “Mamatay na sana lahat ng pangit.”
GIRL2: “Mami-miss kita.”

A boss rang an employee after he was late for work.
BOSS: “Where are you?”
EMPLOYEE: “I’m out to buy a wristwatch.”
BOSS: “Do you know what time it is?”
EMPLOYEE: “I haven’t bought it yet!”

Sen. Nancy Binay met French Pres. Francois Hollande.
HOLLANDE: “Bonsoir Madame!”
NANCY: “Panganay Monsieur!”
HOLLANDE: “Nagva-vaque ca va ng caque?”
NANCY: “Oui, nagbi-bake ako ng cake for senior citizens!”

Candy
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Candy!
Candy who?
Candy kita iiwan, candy kita pababayaan.

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician were discussing which among their professions was the oldest.
The surgeon said, “Eve was created from Adam’s rib, a surgical procedure.”
The engineer replied, “before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job.”
The politician said, “Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?”

BOY: “Hindi ata magiging tayo.”
GIRL: “Bakit?”
BOY: “Kuya mo kasi e.”
GIRL: “Gusto ka kaya ni kuya.”
BOY: “Yun na nga eh. Gusto ko rin siya.”

A couple went out for an anniversary dinner.
WIFE: “Did you just pick your nose and wipe it under the table?”
HUSBAND: “How did you know?”
WIFE: “This is a glass table!”

INTERVIEWER: “What can you contribute to this company?”
APPLICANT: “Kung alam ko lang na may ambagan sana nakapagdala ako ng pansit.”

I was browsing on my laptop looking for porn when an advisory popped out, “Chrome cannot open this page.”

They must have been stuck together.

Umorder si Juan ng Pizza
CLERK: “Ilang slices po ang gagawin namin sa pizza niyo, 6 or 8?”
JUAN: “6 lang. Baka hindi ko maubos ang 8.”

 

oOo

“Sa salamin ka maniwala, wag sa nanay mo.”

Thursday Humor 03.05.15

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BOY: *tinakpan ang mata ni girl*
GIRL: “Huy! Ano to?”
BOY: “Pinapakita ko lang sayo future natin.”
GIRL: *kinilig* “Pero wala naman akong makita eh.”
BOY: “Exactly!”

Yung tumatawag sa’yong prinsesa NOON…
…prinsesa narin NGAYON.

The most frequent sexual position I have with the wife is the number 10.
I just lie there next to the round woman!

Nagtext si Boyfriend sa number ni Girlfriend…
BF: “Babe, PANTY ka ba?”
GF: “Bakit?”
BF: “Kasi kaw lang ang nagpa-PANTY-bok ng puso ko.”
GF: “Kaw, PANTY ka ba?”
BF: “Bakit babe?”
GF: “Mahal kasi ang PANTY-uition. Aral ka muna ha! Tatay niya to! Mag break na kayo!”

A guy got an e-mail from a “bored housewife, 32, looking for some action!”
Our guy sent her his ironings to keep her busy.

GF: “Bili mo nga ako ng napkin.”
BF: “Wow huh.. Kung makapag-utos ka kala mo nanay kita..”
GF: “Ikaw nga kung makadede ka kala mo anak kita..”
BF: “Akin na nga yung pera.. Anong klaseng napkin bah? Whisper?”

Only in the Philippines do we chain 20-peso writing pens to bank counters but leave our almost a million peso cars out on the sidewalk.

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TIKOY
BOY: “Tikoy ka ba?”
GIRL:”Baket?”
BOY: “Hmnn, wag na nga.”
GIRL:”Baket nga?”
BOY:”Wala yon.”
GIRL: “Baket nga? Eto naman..”
BOY:”Wala nga tangina! Tikoy ka ba ha?! Tikoy ka bang gago ka?! Nagpi-feeling tikoy amputa.”

If your wife catches you looking at another woman, tell her, “I’m glad you don’t dress like that!”

LIGO
Minsan Sardinas..
Minsan kailangan mo 😀

PARAPHRASE
Maligo ka na nga! PARAPHRASE ka!

 

oOo

“Kapag ang tanga natuto, nagreview ‘yan.”

Tuesday Humor 03.03.15

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ANAK: “Pa, Ma, pwede na ba akong mag boyfriend?”
PAPA and MAMA: “Hindi pa! Ang bata bata mo pa boyfriend na agad iniisip mo?! Hindi pwede!”
*Biglang nagbrownout*
ANAK: “Ma, pa, samahan nyo naman ako sa kusina may kukunin lang ako natatakot kase ko eh madilim.”
PAPA at MAMA: “Ano? Ang tanda tanda mo na takot ka parin sa dilim!”

At a Sunday school class, the teacher asked a child, “do you pray to God before lunch or dinner?”
The child answered, “No ma’am, my mom’s a good cook!”

NOON: Pag tulog ka, di ka uutusan, bubuhatin ka pa sa kama.
NGAYON: Kahit puyat na puyat ka, gigisingin ka, may hampas pang kasama.

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So I tried the same thing in a Chinese resto.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” but instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.

WIKIPEDIA: “Alam ko ang lahat.”
GOOGLE: “Nasa akin ang lahat.”
FACEBOOK: “Kilala ko ang lahat.”
YOUTUBE: “Tutorial.”
INTERNET: “Kung wala ako, wala din kayo.”
PC/LAPTOP: “Ows, di nga sure kayo?” KURYENTE: “Wow, mahiya naman kayo!”

A banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened its door to go out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. A police officer saw the incident and said, “You businessmen are so involved in your possessions, you didn’t even notice that your arm was ripped off as well.”

The banker stared at where his arm was and exclaimed, “Oh no! My new Rolex is gone too!”

TANONG: Sino mas YOUNG?
— Megan Young?
— Lauren Young?
— Slater YOUNG?
Mali!
SAGOT: Eh di si Efren Bata!

Ang utot parang Frozen
Pag nasa school:
“Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.”
Pag nasa bahay:
“Let it go. Let it go. Can’t hold it back anymore.”

“I stand behind every car I sell,” a previously owned sales representative said. “I help push it,” he continued.

“PUKI”
“Partidong Umaakibat sa mga Kalalakihang Inaapi”

A guy looking out of his house’s window saw a group of people gathered around a bloke who fell off his motorbike. He rushed over and shouted, “Out of the way!”

“Are you a doctor?” a bystander asked.

“No,” the houseowner said, “He’s delivering my pizza.”

PROFILE PICTURE: Diwata.
PERSONAL: Di ata.

 

oOo

“Kung ililipat lahat ng magaganda at gwapo sa ibang planeta, isa lang ang masasabi ko “NAKA-IMPAKE NA PO AKO””

Monday Humor 03.02.15

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TEACHER: “Bakit late ka, Juan?”
JUAN: “Late po kasi relo ko.”
TEACHER: “E di i-advance mo!”
*Umalis si Juan*
TEACHER: “San ka pupunta Juan!?”
JUAN: “Ma’am, Uwian na po!”

Pickuplines
BOY: “Alam mo para kang floor wax.”
GIRL: “Bakit naman?”
BOY: “Kasi mahal Kita eh. Ops, sorry nadulas ako.”

One rainy day at work, one of my colleagues, Tom, came across from the other side of the building to ours. To start a conversation, another colleague, Maria, asked, “Is it raining heavily outside?” Without expression, Tom said, “Sorry I did not carry a weighing scale.”

TANONG: Ano daw yung apelyido ni Wendy?
SAGOT: Eh di RECTION. Wendy Rection

A cop called his precinct.
“Hello, 6th precinct?”
“Yes.”
“This is James. I have a case. A woman shot her husband for stepping on a floor that she just mopped clean.”
“Did you arrest her?”
“No… The floor is still wet.”

TANONG: Anong tawag sa Chinese na lumpo?
SAGOT: Eh di Lumpong Shanghai.

MCDO: “Balita ko bakla ka daw?”
JOLLIBEE: “Ulol! E sino kaya sa atin naka make-up?”

TEACHER: “Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on baseball.”
JOHN: “Here’s my paper.”
TEACHER: “John, you only spent a minute writing your essay. Let’s hear what you wrote.”
JOHN: “Game called off on account of rain.”

THROAT
Yan yung pag gusto mong sabihin sa ‘yo ang totoo. “Tell me the throat.”

SIBAK
minsan kahoy,
minsan trabaho,
minsan pepe :p

 

oOo

“Be fearless! Fart as loud as your anus will allow!”