Wednesday Humor 05.14.14

5-13-2014 7-26-07 PM

Mga senyales na tumatanda na ang lalaki:
1. Lumalayo ang paningin, lumalapit ang pag ihi.
2. Nakaupo’y inaantok, nakahiga di mkatulog.
3. Natatandaan angnakaraan, limot ang kasalukuyan.
4. May naisip ang itaas, walang magawa ang ibaba.
5. Dati, matigas na nghihintay, ngayon nghihintay kong kelan titigas!

A man was complaining to an airport manager, “What’s the use of a plane schedule if the planes are always late?”
The manager replied, “How would we know they are late if we didn’t have a schedule?”

A man discovered an old lamp on a beach. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said, “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”
“Alright,”
said the man, “I wish for more genies.”

LALAKE: “Alam mo, lumakas ka!”
BABAE:  “Hah? Ano lumakas? Strength ko ba?”
LALAKE: “Hindi.”
BABAE: “Eh ano?”
LALAKE: “Lumakas PUTOK mo.”

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. “This,” she said, “I supposed, is one of the hideous representations you call modern art?”
“No, ma’am,”
replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

BF: “Sweetheart, kiss mo naman ako sa bayaG!”
GF:” Ang bastos mo naman!”
BF: “Hindi ah! Ang sabi ko,
“Kiss mo ako SABAY HUG!”
Oh, anonG bastos doon?”

At a trial…
HUSBAND: “Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry.”
JUDGE: “Sir, I am granting the separation. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving at 100 kph.”

After 22 yrs of budget living & forced savings…
HUSBAND: “Honey, finally we have saved enough to buy the BMW we started saving for in 1992.”
WIFE: “Is it the latest BMW?”
HUSBAND: “No.. its a ’92 model.”

CUTE THINGS TO CALL YOUR PARTNER:
1. Sugar
2. Honey
3. Flour
4. Egg
5. 1/2lb butter
6. Stir
7. Pour into pan
8. Preheat to 375°

Nauso lang ang camera360, pati ang ulam di pinatatawad ng mga ibang tao. Ano gusto nilang i-comment natin?
“Uy, ang kinis naman nung tuyo.”
“Pumuputi yata yung champorado mo ah.”

Dear Ladies,
    Hindi naman talaga kami babaero. Pero bintang kayo nang bintang. Naririnig pa ng mga kaibigan, kamaganak at kapitbahay.   
    Kaya napipilitan na lang kami mambabae kasi ayaw namin kayo mapahiya.
   
Sincerely,   
    Men

BABAE: “Napakadami mong babae! Sabihin mo nga sakin, sino ba talaga ang laman ng puso mo?”
LALAKE: “Malay ko, ikaw lagi may dala eh.”

Hindi ka maganda, malaki lang ang boobs mo.
Isa kang susogenic.
Tandaan: Ang cleavage ay sandata ng pangit.

BOY: “Pikit ka! GANYAN KADILIM MUNDO KO PAG NAWALA KA.”
GIRL: “Amuyin mo hininga mo! GANYAN KABAHO MUNDO KO PAG NAGSALITA KA.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Mabait kapag tulog. Tahimik kapag busog. Ganyan ka.“

Monday Humor 04.07.14

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Nagkita sa heaven ang kaluluwa ng isang GRO at ng madre…
MADRE: “Di ba GRO ka noong nabubuhay ka pa?”
GRO: “Opo sister.”
MADRE: “Bakit andito ka sa langit?”
GRO: “Kasi nagsisi ako ng malapit na akong mamatay.”
MADRE: “Tsk tsk tsk kung alam ko lang nag enjoy na lang sana ako…”

WIFE: “What are you doing?”
HUSBAND: “Nothing.”
WIFE: “Nothing..? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for in hour?”
HUSBAND: “I was looking for the expiration date.”

Picture Taking 101
1. Pag gusto mong gumanda at mapansin sa picture, tumabi ka sa mas panget sa yo.
2. Pag mataba ka, huwag kang pupuwesto sa dulo. Magmumukha kayong BBQ.
3. Huwag kang magpabango, hindi yan maamoy na mga titingin ng pictures niyo.
4. Wag masyado sa pulbos. Baka pagkamalan kang member ng jabbowackezz.
5. Pag panget ka, bawal mag selfie sa gabi. Baka akalain ng mga tao, bagong poster ng horror movie. Undin 3D.
6. Pag payat ka, huwag kang gigitna sa dalawang mataba. Magmumukha kayong Jolly Hotdog.
7. Iwasan magdala ng cam. Magiging taga picture ka lang at taga upload.

A priest was always telling senators and congressmen about heaven.
“Why don’t you tell us about hell?” asked one solon.
“There’s no point… you’ll see it yourselves.”

WIFE: “Dear, bakit dati gustong-gusto mo akong pinapanood habang naliligo?”
HUSBAND: “Kasi dati pag pinanood kita tumatayo birdie ko.”
WIFE: “Bakit ngayon ayaw mo na?”
HUSBAND: “Kasi ngayun pag nakita kitang nakahubad, balahibo ko na ang tumatayo!”

COP: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
DRIVER: “I was trying to keep up with the traffic.”
COP: “There’s no traffic.”
DRIVER: “That’s how far behind I am.”

What is the difference between a magician and a politician in Manila?
The magician returns your watch at the end of the performance.

SPORTCASTER: “Manny, in your boxing career, who hit you d hardest?”
MANNY: “Hmm…ang pina kamatindi ay si Kim Henares ng BIR bai, lakas tumira!”

1. Marriage is like espionage, you sleep with the enemy.
2. What is the fastest means of funds transfer? Just say the words ” I do ” and presto, everything is transferred.

“I have a bad headache. I’ll visit the doctor.”
“Nonsense, yesterday, I dashed home, gave a kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don’t you try it?”
“Good idea! Call up your wife and tell her I’ll be right over.”

BOY: “Hi, Miss! Pwede ba manligaw?”
GIRL: “Haii pohh, bvhAqit kuAh pohh muanliLigaW?”
BOY: “Ay, joke lang. Di ka mabiro!”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Ingatan mo yung taong palabiro, palatawa at mapang-asar. Kadalasan kasi sila yung pinakamasarap magmahal.”

Tips on Welcoming a New Dog Into the Family

dogThey’re sweet, loving, and absolutely irresistible. Whether you’re meeting dogs at your local animal shelter or through a reputable breeder, it’s hard not to fall in love with more than one puppy or dog. Sometimes a dog may even find you: Animal lover Michael J. Knapp, for example, says a stray dog worked her way into his family home and heart.

Bringing home a new furry family member is a sweet and joyful experience. However, that experience can quickly turn a little sour if the dog chews up your things, messes up your carpet, keeps you up all night or just flat-out refuses to obey you. Even the most kind-hearted and loving of pet owners may wonder if they’ve made a serious mistake.

If welcoming a new dog into your family isn’t going the way you expected, don’t despair. In most cases, these problems can be solved. Here are some dog facts in mind:

Dogs often seem to pull bait-and-switches: She was so shy in the crate, and so sweet on the first day. Then on the second day, she starts getting into everything and tearing up the house. What happened? It’s pretty simple, really: Your dog’s sudden “personality change” means she’s become comfortable with you, and sees your home as a safe and welcoming place where she’s free to be herself. Just like people, dogs have complex personalities and their fair share of quirks. She’s still a sweet puppy; she’s just showing you more of her spunky side.

Puppies are very much like toddlers: If you’ve adopted a http://www.brunomars.com/moonshinejungletour, you’ve likely discovered that they are curious, sassy, mischievous and determined to have things their way. They teethe, test their limits and have trouble with toilet training. Dealing with a puppy is very much like dealing with a very young human. Dogs, too, will grow out of this stage so long as you provide proper puppy training.

Dogs need care and companionship:

Dogs require a lot of care, attention and guidance. You need to spend a lot of time teaching your pooch where to potty, what to chew on, how to play nice and how to have good puppy manners. Even the sweetest, most naturally well behaved of dogs will need some guidance.

The better trained your dog, the less frustration he will give you, the more well liked he will be and the more you will enjoy his company. But even the most well-trained dogs still have some personality. There are no promises that you won’t catch them napping luxuriously in your off-limits bed when you come home early. But that’s part of their charm.

Dogs are loyal: You would be hard pressed to find a more loyal, grateful or loving pet than a dog. Give them the training and help they need when they’re young, and you’ll earn yourself a wonderful companion. Michael J. Knapp knows this well: The stray dog who wandered into the family yard one day is now a cherished family member and a wonderful pet.

Home Alone

Bago ang lahat (ako lang ang luma), lemme greet each one of you – Pi Nyo Yer! 

Home alone ang peg ni Mamaru since Christmas Day kasi ang unico hijo at unica hija ko ay sa Maynila nagpasko at nag bagong taon kasama ang ibang miyembro ng angkan ko.

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Eh oks lang naman sa akin na naiwan akels sa mansyones ko. Hindi talaga ako pwedeng umalis. Walang magbabantay sa mga gold bars ko dito sa bahay. Charot.

Sa totoo lang, hindi naman ako nalungkot na naiwan mag-isa. Siguro dahil sa may katotohanan talaga ang kasabihan na ang taong marunong o natutong na mag-isa sa buhay ay bomalabs ng maging vulnerable sa kalungkutan ng basta basta. Kumbaga, I maybe alone but I’m not lonely (wow, englishment!). Sanay ng mag isa ang Mamaru! Hihi.

Heniwey, nagpa-deliver na lang ako ng pork lauriat ng Chowking kagabi para sa media noche ko.

At mag-isang tomoma-toma ng “pulang suka” hanggang naghating-gabi.

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Sa totoo lang, paano naman ako malulungkot kung etong mga nilalang na’to ang mga kasama ko sa bahay ngayon.

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Ang cuculit nila!

Hindi ko na nakuhang manood ng fireworks sa labas ng bahay kagabi dahil nagsiksikan na ang mga alaga ko sa akin dahil sa takot sa mga paputok. Tawang-tawa ako sa mga fez nila. :D

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oOo

“Do not live your life by the standards of other people dahil di masaya yun.”

Haven

My room where my bed at, has always been my favorite spot in the house. It is where I can have privacy if I have to finish some work, or if I want to watch some DVDs for instance. I feel at peace even if I simply sit in my bed mattress (for good mattresses, check out http://www.foambymail.com) relaxing.

My children, when they were little, they can fuss anywhere around the house, except in my bedroom.

When I want my "me time", I simply hang out in my chamber. Everyone needs an escape from time to time, and it does not have to be in some far-off place. For me, my room is my haven, my escape place.

Get Help For Treatment

Parenting is a tough job and one must learn how to maintain the parental authority and stay in charge especially if the inevitable happens where a son or a daughter is in a challenging situation with opiate addiction problem.

If a member of a family is in drug trouble, parents should not lose their nerve. Drug dependence is treatable and getting help from opiate addiction center is the best thing to go for treatment.

No time should be wasted. There is no shame in the decision to ask for help for a rehab because ultimately it is going to allow a dependent to lead a better and happier life.

Wednesday Humor 09.18.13

buwis

Letters:
Dear Ka Nur,
Maraming salamat po sa kooperasyon. Tatanawin kong malaking utang na loob ang ginawa niyong yan sa Zamboanga City. Salamat po ulit.
Sincerely,
Janet Lim Napoles

Dear Gov. Misuari,
Perfect timing ka talaga. Saludo kami sa ginawa niyo. Huwag muna kayong umalis diyan. Keep it up!
Yours truly,
Pogi, Tanda, Kuya Sexy

Janet Napoles’s version of "MY WAY"

"And now, my end is near, & so I face the nation’s judgment.
My friends I say it clear I have my case & it’s impending.
I’ve lived the lie that’s full & gained from deals from every PDAF.
0h yes, I stole a lot & did it my way.
Secrets I had a few, 10 senators, 50 congressmen. I did what I had to do, PNOY saw it thru w/out exemption.
To think I did all that & may I say not in a shy way.
Oh yes,
I screwed you all & did it my way!"

It has been reported that each councilor in Quezon City receives forty million pesos in pork barrel funds each year.
And Janet Lim Napoles was like, "Syet, bakit hindi ako na-inform?"

MIRIAM: “Gusto ko ng mag suicide.”
JINGGOY: “Eh di mag suicide ka.”
ENRILE: “Tama mag suicide para la ng sira ulo sa senado.”
MIRIAM: “Umpisahan ko na mamaya pag kompleto na tayo. Mag suicide bomber ako para walang matira na tulisan dito.”
BONG: “Mam, huwag, hindi ko pa nakuha ang 70% ko kay Napoles”

PARE: “Mare, grabe ang handang pagkain sa kasal ng anak ni Pareng Anton. UNLIMITED ANG RICE WALANG ULAM!”

Ang tunay na lalake magaling lumandi sa mga babae.
Pero ang matinong lalake magaling lumandi sa nag-iisa niyang babae.

CR NOTICE:
Our aim is to keep this bathroom clean.
GENTLEMEN: Your aim will help. Please stand closer, it’s shorter than you think.
LADIES: Please remain seated for the entire performance.

Men will always be eager to take women shopping..
If only women would take them to the fitting room while trying new clothes.

Virginity is the best Wedding gift a man could receive from his wife..

Pero sa panahon ngayon ginagawa na lang Anniversary Gift, Monthsary Gift o di kaya’y Birthday Gift. Minsan nga kahit walang okasyon basta trip lang.

HUSBAND: “Huwag ka nga magsalita ng ganyan, huhuhu..labs na labs kita!”
WIFE: “Give mo sa next wife mo ang mga damit ko para lagi mo akong maalaala pag suot niya.”
HUSBAND: “Huhuhu.. hindi pwede! XL ka, MEDIUM lang siya!”

MISIS: “Inday, nahahalata mo ba mga damit ng Sir mo? Laging may lipstick at amoy pabango ng babae!”
INDAY: “Oo nga po. Mukhang niloloko na TAYO ni kuya ah!”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

 

oOo

“Pag ang lalaki nambabae sadyang manyak. Pag ang babae nanlalaki, malamang nagkulang ka.”

HD Online Shop

Harley Davidson riders will surely love the fast and convenient online shopping for motor clothes and bike accessories at Surdyke.com. Indeed, a one-stop shop for genuine Harley parts, they have everything a Harley enthusiast needs. Check into store, browse the catalog and see for yourself the high-quality products at very reasonable prices.

Cutting Torch

victor-torch If you need the right welding equipment to cut metal and offers a complete range of cutting tips for oxy/acetylene and oxy/fuel cutting, look no further than the selection of cutting torch made by top brand Victor at ATL Welding Supplies. You can be sure that the cutting torches they have are designed for both heavy duty and industrial use so that you can get the job done safely and effectively.