**Courtesy of Mike

BATA: "Ale, pautang ng sardinas, bukas ang bayad."
TINDERA: "Eto LATA, bukas na din yung laman!"

Simula nung maghiwalay tandem nina Gerald Anderson at Kim Chiu…
Si Gerald naging Abnoy (BUDOY)
Si Kim naging Tomboy (Binondo Girl)

Panalo Daw Si Pacman!
Pero Natalo Na Naman
Sa PAGANDAHAN ng NANAY!

HUSBAND: "Panay ang nood mo ng mga Cooking shows sa AFC hindi naman sumasarap ang luto mo!"
WIFE: (galit) "Palagi kamg nanood ng Porn di ka naman gumagaling magromansa!"

QUESTION: Does the penis deserve overtime and hazard pay?
ANSWER: Yes? Because it works in deep, damp, hot tunnels, often head down and mostly in night shifts!

Steve Jobs is now working for God in Heaven to make iWIFE…
Beauty and Brain
plus
MUTE button!

A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their chat was constantly interrupted by guests describing their ailments and asking the doc for medical advise. After an hour of this, the exasperated doc asked the shyster how he stops people from asking free legal advice.

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then send them a bill."
The doc was shocked but gave it a try.
The next day, feeling guilty, the doc made the bills.
When he placed them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

WIFE: "I’m going to LONDON. What gift do you want?"
HUSBAND: "An English girl."
After a month, wife returns..
HUSBAND: "Where is my gift?"
WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"

At a hospital..
MAN: "Nurse, you are very beautiful! If I get into an accident, I hope I will be taken to this hospital."
NURSE: "That would be a miracle, this is a maternity hospital!"

A man had a sun-burnt penis, so he is advised by a friend to dip it in milk.
While doing so, his girlfriend came and said, "I always wonder how you guys load them!"

He is the ONLY person who can ORDER a woman to stop talking and in reply be given a smile…
He is A Photographer.

Life is like a Penis …
Simple
Soft
Straight…
Women make it hard!!

3 Things That Should Never Be Broken…
1. Hearts
2. Promises
3. Condoms..
Sometimes the breaking of number 3 causes 1 and 2 to break.

Chinese tinirador ang helicopter, sumabog!
Kano tinirador ang airplane, natamaan ang pakpak sumabog!
Pinoy tumirador sa langit, may nahulog na manok. At biglang bumukas ang langit, lumabas si San Pedro na galit at sabi, "Sino pumatay sa manok ko?"

Ang ALAK, mas okay pa sa GATAS.
Mas nakakawala pa ng problema.
Tapos minsan, Libre lang.
Eh ang gatas?
Meron na bang nagtreat ng gatas?
At nagsabing,
"Tara tol! Dede tayo!"
o kaya
"Tol tara. Hanap tayo ng madedede!"
Pwede din kaya yung,
"Padede ka naman tol! Birthday mo e!"
o kaya,
"Tol, sabihin mo sa syota mo, padede siya! Monthsary nyo eh?"

BATA: "Tita! Tita! Nakita ko si daddy tsaka si mommy naglalaro!"
TITA: "Ha? Saan?"
BATA: "sa bedroom po!"
TITA: "Anong nilalaro nila?"
BATA: "uh… Di ko po alam e. Mukha silang nasa see-saw!"

PRETTY GIRL: Magkano ang jacket?
TINDERO: 20 kisses.
PRETTY GIRL: pa reserve, babayaran ka ng lola ko!

BOY: "Orphanage ka ba?"
GIRL: "Bakit?"
BOY: "Gusto kitang bigyan nang bata."

JOKE ONLY:
Husband: Why do you always want me to lick you?
Wife: It can make me come earlier.
Husband: Then I should lick my secretary because she always comes late!

Aling Dionesia was on a flight to L.A in economy. She wanted to move to a better seat, so she got up & moved to an open seat in 1st class!
Flight attendants told her to return to her seat but she stayed put, saying "she was rich mama to ‘you-know-who’!"
The captain left the cockpit, knelt down next beside her & whispered in her ear, & she moved back to economy!
Flight Attendant to Captain: "What did you tell her?"  "I told her 1st class isn’t going to L.A!"

A guy wanted to get married. He had a choice of three women. First was a rich surgeon. Second was a poor domestic helper. Third was a GRO. WHO DID HE PICK?

The one with big TITS!

Men are simply men!

Don’t you hate it when you open a bag of potato chips and it’s 30% full…?
That’s how guys feel about a push-up bra.

1. Pag marami ng naging girlfriend o boyfriend, MALANDI na agad? Di ba pwedeng trial and error muna?
2. Porke malaki bahay, mayaman agad? Di ba pdeng nakikitira lang?
3. Pag masunurin ba, MABAIT agad? Di ba pwedeng UTO-UTO muna?
4. Kapag ba hot, kape agad? Hindi ba pwedeng ako muna?
5. Porket nakatingin siya sayo, may gusto siya sayo agad? Hindi ba pwedeng ang pangit mo lang talaga muna?

oOo

BOY: "Ikaw ba ang nagslice nung cake?"
GIRL: "Bakit?"
BOY: "Kasi gusto kong matikman yang hiwa mo."
(Ahm! wag marumi isip!)

MUM: "Hurry up!! What are you doing?"
BOY: "I am coming!"
MUM: "Since when did you start to wank?"

Son asks his father, "Papa, what were those noises last night?" Quite puzzled, the father replies, "Your mom and I were making cake."
The son says, "Aha… I knew it  was… l licked the ICING on your bed, the cake must be delicious!"

WIFE: "You’re extremely rude! All the time I was talking, you kept yawning!"
HUSBAND: "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something..but you didn’t let me!"

Its official!
Si Lolong ang pinakamalaking buwaya sa mundo, ayon sa representatives ng Guinness.
Di pa kasi nila nakikita si Mike Arroyo!

GMA VISITED CLINTON..
CLINTON: "I did a better job lying than you; she(Monica) swallowed the evidence! Even your apology on television isnt convincing!"
GMA: "But l can do a better blow-job than Monica. l can do it without kneeling!"

Use ICE BUKO in a sentence: "Bro, kakagupit ko lang, ICE BUKO?"
Use punctuation in a sentence: “I’ll use this money punctuation.”
Use AFFECT in a sentence: “Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.”

RATED PG:
ELEPANTE: "Bakit ang dede mo nasa likod?"
CAMEL: "Napakagandang tanong mula sa isang nilalang na ang titi ay nasa mukha!"

Men’s Quotes:
"A lady’s dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off." – Brad Pitt
"A middle-aged woman makes no sense unless she inspires her man with luxurious condos, cars, and trips."- Hayden Kho

A Graduation Speech:
"First, I’d like to thank Google.
Second, I’d like to thank copy and paste.
Third, I’d like to thank their creators!"

In a Pageant:
HOST: "What do you want to be after you graduate?"
CONTESTANT: "I want to be a successful Medicine."

In a pageant:
HOST: "What will you be 10 years from now?"
GIRL: "I’ll be 28."

MISIS: "Manganganak na yata ako."
MISTER: "Driver itigil mo sa Jollibee."
JUAN: "Mag Jollibee pa?"
MISTER: "Di ba FREE DELIVERY sa Jollibee?"

Ano ang sabi ng Panda sa Photographer? "Dude ayoko ng black and white ha!"

TITSER: "Class, our lesson for today is Algebra. What’s Algebra?"
ESTUDYANTE: "Ako sir! Algebra is our lesson for today."

oOo
"Life is simple. People make it difficult. Parang ganito lang… Words are simple. Jejemons make it difficult."

• Pag pumasok sa motel nag sex agad? Di ba pwedeng nag inquire muna?
• Pag makapal ba LIBRO kaagad?! Di ba pwedeng MUKHA mo muna?!
• Porke mabaho, umutot na? Di ba pwedeng dumighay lang naman?
• Pag hunk ang isang lalaki, underwear model na agad? Di ba puwedeng kargador muna?
• Pag payat ang babae model na agad? Di ba pwedeng may TB muna?!
• Pag malaki tiyan, buntis agad? Di ba pwede busog muna?
• Pag abnormal BUDOY na kagad? Di ba pwedeng IKAW muna?
• Pag tumitingin sa papel pag exam, CHEATER na agad? Di ba pwedeng nagco-COMPARE muna?!
• Pag ba ayaw manlibre, kuripot na agad. Di ba pwedeng wala talagang pera?
• Pag nagbigay ng bulaklak nanliligaw na? Di ba pwedeng nakikiramay muna?!
• Pag walang kibo behaved na agad? Di ba pwedeng comatose muna?!
• Kapag kwentuhan ng magka-kapitbahay tsismisan agad? Hindi ba pweding brainstorming muna?
• Pag may sayad sa utak, “Budoy” na agad? Di ba pwedeng “Ramona Bautista” muna?
• Pag mainit ka sex agad? Di ba pwedeng paracetamol muna?!
• Pag ayaw mag smile suplada agad? Di ba pwedeng bungi muna?
• Pag di makatulog may INSOMNIA agad? Hindi ba pwedeng iniisip ka muna?
• Pag ba di nakasagot kagad eh napipi na? hindi ba pwedeng may nakasubo lang?
• Pag naka-red bandana si Ramona agad? Di ba pwedeng si Red Riding Hood muna?
• Pag nag-english, matalino agad? Hindi ba pwedeng nag-google muna?
• Pag malamig ba Antartica na agad? Di ba pwedeng lovelife ko muna?
• Pag ba pumunta sa Jollibee kakain na agad? Di ba pwedeng magc-CR lang muna?
• Pag ba makati ang pwet eh bulate agad? Di ba pwedeng burnik muna?
• Pag naka-makeup ang lalaki BAKLA na agad? Diba pwedeng CLOWN muna?
• Pag nagsusuka BUNTIS agad? Di ba pwedeng NAKITA ka lang?

oOo

“Bukod sa salamin anong pang kinatatakutan mo?”

GIRL: "Man0ng tulungan nyo naman ako."
MAN0NG: "Bakit?"
GIRL: "Nawawala kasi yung tatay ko. Galing kaming pr0binsya."
MAN0NG: "Hmm, sige pero sumama ka muna sa akin."
(Sumama ang girl sa m0tel)
MAN0NG: "Hubarin mo it0ng sh0rt ko."
GIRL: "Sige!"
MAN0NG: "Hawakan mo titi ko tapos ilapit mo yung bibig mo."
GIRL: "Ganito?"
MAN0NG: "Oo! Alam mo na ang gagawin mo?"
GIRL: "Opo!"
MAN0NG: "Sige, gawin mo na!"
GIRL: "NANAWAGAN PO KO Sa TATAY KO! KuNG Na SaAN Ka MAN TAY UMUWI Ka NA!"

Titser nadulas, istudyante nagtawanan.
TITSER: "May nakakatawa ba?"
STUDENT: "Malamang, Mam. Tatawa ba kami kung wala?"

Kung humingi ng birthday gift sayo crush mo,
HALIKAN MO NA LANG,
pag ayaw niya, sabihin mo,
IBALIK NIYA NA LANG!

Girl at boy nagtatalo..
GIRL: "Sinasabi ko sau lahat ng kaya ng mga lalaki, kaya rin ng mga babae.. Tingnan mo.. may engineer na babae, may pulis na babae, may sundalong babae…"
BOY: "Talaga lang ah… pero may alam akong kaya ng limang lalaki, na hindi kaya ng lima, sampu, o kahit 20 na babae pa!"
GIRL: "Ano yun? Magbuhat ng bus? Sira ka ba?"
BOY: "Hindi! Kaya ba ng limang babae na umihi sa isang arinola ng sabay-sabay?"

EMPLOYEE: "My wife wants me to take a leave tomorrow since the basement, garage and garden have to be cleaned."
BOSS: "Sorry, I can’t give you a leave."
EMPLOYEE: "Thanks, boss, I knew you would help me."

A Pinoy businessman, vacationing in Japan, was invited by Japanese friends for a round of golf.
After a swing, his caddy said, "Kuribok."
At hotel for the night, a Japanese girl entertained him with a round of sex. She exclaimed, "Kuribok!"
So, before he left for Philippines, he asked desk clerk what "kuribok" meant.  
DESK CLEARK: Sir, ‘kuribok’ means, "You hit the WRONG HOLE!"..!!

Ika-13 utos:
OBISPO: "Ang mga Demonyo ay bawal makipag-talik!"
SEMINARISTA: "Bakit naman?"
OBISPO: "Sapagkat mararating nila ang Langit!"

KALANDIAN
panira sa mga MAGKASINTAHAN
kaaway ng mga KABABAIHAN
burarang KAGANDAHAN
reyna ng SABUNUTAN
panggulo sa lipunan
at higit sa lahat…

sanhi ng
KALIBUGAN!

A drunk arrives late at home. He knows his wife won’t open the door, so he pretends he had flowers for her, and knocks at the door…
WIFE: "Who is it?"
DRUNK: "I bring flowers for the beautiful lady."
Wife opens door, "Where are the flowers?"
Drunk replies, "Where’s the beautiful lady?!"

A beggar found a thousand peso on a street.
He went to a 5 star hotel for dinner and given a bill for 5,000 pesos.
The manager handed him to the police.
He gave the thousand peso to the police and was freed.
This is called FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT without a MBA!

QUESTION: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ANSWER: A girlfriend answers all your questions. A wife questions all your answers!

Before going to bed, a couple had a fight when…
Husband said, "Good night Old Mother of SIX KIDS…"
and
Wife replied, "Good night, Father of NONE!"

New Trend?
A beggar’s sign read:
"Thank you for donating. Please visit our new website E-Begging.Com.
Paypal, Debit/Credit cards and internet banking facilities available."

QUESTION: Why can’t anyone satisfy a woman completely?
ANSWER: Because nobody has a dick which is made up of gold, decorated with diamonds and ejaculates cash!

GUY: "Give me a blowjob."
GIRL: "Can’t you be a bit more romantic?"
GUY: "Give me a blowjob in the rain."

Not all men just want a relationship for sex.
Some want their cooking and laundry done too!

You know you have a drinking problem, when at breakfast your wife asks you to toast some bread for her and…
You raise your glass of wine and say, "To bread!"

Big lips are nice to kiss.
Big nipples are nice to suck.
Big breasts are nice to squeeze..
but big hole is hopeless to fuck.
MORAL: Big things are not always good.

"Siguro nga hanggang dito na lang ako. Siguro nga hindi na ako magiging sentro ng atensyon mo. Ok lang, masaya na akong nasa gilid lang ako ng paningin mo." – MUTA

"Pila-pila lang. Walang tulakan. Lahat tayo makakalabas." – TAE

SUSHI, gamit para mabukasan ang pinto. Sushi.

MINUTE, eto ung nararamdaman mo tuwing tanghali o tirik n tirik ang araw.Minute.

Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another…"
Erap: "Tayo’y magtulungan. …."
BUSH: "…let’s strive together…"
ERAP: "…tayo’y magsikap…"
BUSH: "…because in union there is strength."
ERAP: "…dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"

GIRL: "Babe, Alam mo para kang mangga."
BOY: "bakit babe? Dahil sweet ako?"
GIRL: "Hindi. Mukha kang kalabaw."

Si girl nahuli si boy nambababae.
GIRL: "Kung mambabae ka din lang naman siguraduhin mo sa maganda."
BOY: "Bakit?"
GIRL: "Kasi kung sa tulad lang din nya, di na pambababae tawag dyan. “PANGANGASO” na."

TEACHER: "Juan, use the word "hey" in a sentence."
JUAN: "Hey, give me back my t-shirt!"
TEACHER: "Very good, Juan! Pedro, please use the word "hey" in a sentence."
PEDRO: "You’re so beautiful and smart po, ma’am!"
TEACHER: -giggles- "Thank you, Pedro, you’re very kind, but where is the word hey there?"
PEDRO: "EstoraHEY!"

oOo
"Kasing lakas ba ng ALAK ang TAMA mo sa kanya? Wag kang mag-alala, darating ang araw ISUSUKA mo din siya."

Kalurkey! Wa ako ma-say sa lakas talaga ng impluwensya ni Vice Ganda.  Dito nga sa Iligan City, showing pa rin hanggang ngayon ang movie nya. Manonood sana ang mga bagets ko at mga pamangkin last week pero umuwi silang BIGO dahil sobrang haba daw ng pila ng tao sa dalawang sinehan. Abah! Kinabog ang NO Other Woman sa haba ng pila dito sa probinsya.

Kaya naman hindi nakakapagtaka na mauuso na naman ngayon ang mga ganitong banat na ginaya sa pelikula ni Vice Ganda.

• “Pag sinabing CUTE kailangan ako agad ? Di ba pwedeng IKAW muna!”
• “Pag walang boyfriend, pangit agad? Di ba pwedeng choosy muna?”
• “Pag walang girlfriend, torpe agad? Di ba pwedeng choosy muna?”
• “Pag may sumusunod sayo kailangan STALKER na agad ? Di ba pwedeng SNATCHER muna?”
• “Kung sinabing maganda kailangan kamukha agad ni ANNE CURTIS ? Di ba pwedeng KAMUKHA ko muna?”
• “Pag magaling mag-English matalino na kaagad? Hindi ba pwedeng Englisera lang talaga muna?”
• “Porket ba nasaktan ka lang sa crush mo dahil may crush siyang iba, INLOVE agad? Pwede bang NAIINGGIT muna?”
• “Di porke’t mataba, BABOY na? Hindi ba pwedeng CHUBBY lang muna?”
• “Di porke’t may dalang BAG estudyante na agad? Di ba pwedeng si DORA muna?”
• “Porket ba namumutla nakakita na ng multo? Pwedeng natatae muna?”
• Sa jeep.
  PASAHERO: "Ma, para ho!"
  DRIVER: "May bababa?"
  PASAHERO: "Wala ho, may tatalon lang"

oOo

“Magmula ng matuto akong umibig, madalas na akong tumatawa mag-isa.”

• "PAPEL ka ba? Gusto na kasi kitang pangalanan para di ka na mahingi ng iba."
• "AIRPORT KA BA? Kase kahit anong lipad ng isip ko sa yo pa rin LUMALANDING ang puso ko."
• "Cactus ka ba? Kasi handa akong masaktan mayakap lang kita."
• "Ilang Newtons ang vector force mo? Ang lakas kasi ng hatak mo sa puso ko."
• Hi Miss ampunan ka ba? Gusto kasi kita bigyan ng bata."
• "Alarm clock ka ba? Pagkagising ko kasi ikaw kagad ang gusto kong patayin eh."
• “Isang HUG lang nman ang gusto ko… ang mabi-HUG ang puso mo.”
• "Galing mo din noh? Hindi mo pa ako binabato,tinamaan na ako sa yo!"
• "Mahal, alam mo ba ikaw ang NIDO ng buhay ko kasi you’re my number 1."
• "Sana ginawa ko nalang panghilod ang puso mo. BATO eh!"

BOY: “Dictionary ka ba?”
GIRL: “Bakit? Dahil ba I put meaning to your life?”
BOY: “Di ah, Kasi lahat na lang gawin ko nilalagyan mo ng meaning.”

BOY: "Miss, may banat ako."
GIRL: "Ano?"
BOY: "PEDICAB"
GIRL: "Ay, alam ko ‘yan!"
BOY: "Ha? Sige nga, ano?"
GIRL: "PEDICAbang mahalin?"
BOY: *BIGSMILE* "Oo naman. Aarte pa ba ako, e, ikaw na ‘yan!"
GIRL: "Oh, sa’n na banat mo?"
BOY: "Makakabanat pa ba ako sa tanong mo?"

BOY: "Miss, BAWAL KA BA?"
GIRL: "Ahmm..Oo, eh. BAWAL AKO."
BOY: "Kaya naman pala."
GIRL: "Kaya naman pala ano?"
BOY: "Kaya naman pala…mukha kang MASARAP!"

BOY: "Happy Birthday!"
GIRL: "Thank you!"
BOY: "Ganda ng cake mo, ha!"
GIRL: "Nasa’n? Wala naman, a!"
BOY: "Ayan, oh! Yang CAKEayahan ng ngiti mong pagandahin ang araw ko!"

BOY: "Akala ko ba mahal mo ko?"
GIRL: "akala ko rin eh."

BOY: "Alam mo, pag ksma kita, inaantok ako."
GIRLl: "Bakit? Boring ba ako?"
BOY: "Kasi masarap magpahinga sa tabi mo eh."

BF: "Babe , makipagbreak ka nga sakin."
GF: "Ayoko nga , bakit ba?"
BF: "Gusto kasi kitang ligawan ulit."

oOo

“Hindi ako kulangot. Huwag mo ko bola-bolahin.”

LOLO at LOLA nag-uusap:
LOLO: "Iba na talaga ang panahon ngayon! Noon pag sinabing APPLE at BLACKBERRY alam mo na prutas at wala ng iba."
LOLA: "Ahay oonga! Noon pag sinabing SAMSUNG alam mo agad na yun ang asawa ni DELILAH!"

If you are SEXY ingatan ang BODY
baka magka-BABY ka ng walang DADDY!

HOW TO KILL A GIRL?
Give her many beautiful dresses.
Expensive cosmetics.
Awesome jewelry.
And then,

LOCK HER IN A ROOM WITHOUT ANY MIRROR!

MAN: "Archeologist found a hundred thousand year old jawbone of a female."
WIFE: "How do they know it was a woman’s jaw?"
MAN: "It was still moving!"

Man comes home from his cardiologist and says, "Sorry love, we can’t have sex anymore, it can be fatal to me."
She asks, "How come?"
"He warned me to stay away from everything that contains fat!"

GIRL: "Ano ba talaga ideal girl mo?"
BOY: "Yung parang manok!"
GIRL: "Ah, yung magaling makipag-away?"
BOY: "Hindi.. yung palaging.. nakabantay sa aking itlog!"

QUESTION: What’s common between clouds and wife?
ANSWER: When both are not around, we call it a bright day.

A woman asks her husband, "Remember, you take out the trash tonight!"
Her husband replied, "Yes, why not? You want to go where?"

Teacher to his class: "What do girls can’t put on?"
The whole class was silent till a boy raised his hand and yelled, "I know it teacher… It’s a CONDOM!"

A newly married man travelling with his bride dialed a number of a girl written in the train’s bathroom.
.
and his wife picked up the phone.

How to make a PIZZA for dinner:
Ingredients required
. Phone
. Menu
. Cash

It was Halloween and three vampires went to a bar.
1st: "I’ll have a glass of blood."
2nd: "I’ll have the same."
3rd: "I’ll have a glass of plasma."
Bartender: "OK, let’s get this straight. That’ll be two blood and a blood light?"

A man goes to an insurance company to get some info. An agent said, "Sir, we also deal in penis insurance."
The man, surprised asks, "Are you going to replace it with a new one?"
"No, sir, but if it stops working, we are gonna provide lifetime service to your wife."

When a man gets up to speak, people listens, then look.
When a woman gets up to speak,
people look
then,
if they like
what they see,
they listen!

A girl tops her B. Ed. Exam.
Her excited boyfriend sent SMS to her father…
"Your daughter is tops in Bed!"
MORAL: Even a small dot can ruin your life.

Calling out your ex-gfs names during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won’t forget her either after you leave her.

Ano ang mas masarap na unan?
Yung legs ng mga babae?
Or
Yung mga dibdib ng mga lalake?

A Chinese who speaks little English goes to a fast food resto. He wants to order chicken but he doesn’t know it in English.
He spots a tray of eggs on the counter, and says to a service crew member, "I want their mother.."

If sex among three people is called "threesome" and sex between two people is called a "twosome", you will now understand why your friends call you "handsome".

Girl confessing: "I’m pregnant."
Priest: "How did this happen my child?”
Girl: "I think it must be the second coming.
Priest shocked by this reply asked, ”What makes you think it’s the second coming?”
Girl: "Because I swallowed the first.”

oOo

“Wag mong isiping PANGIT ka, maiinis ka lang.”

Tinatamad ka bang bumisita sa iyong mga loved ones sa sementeryo?
Text DALAW at i-send sa 2-666. 
Sila mismo ang dadalaw sa iyo.
Choices are:
1) nakasilip sa bintana
2) nakatingin sa iyo habang natutulog ka
3) nakatayo sa iyong paanan
4) nakahiga sa tabi mo
Ano pa inaantay mo? text na! P2.50 /text lang!

Time is gold.
KURO: "Di ba time is gold?"
PAENG: "o? Ano naman?"
KURO: "Maisanla nga yung orasan namin!"

An advertisement in Thailand
If you are loyal to your wife,
you may go to Heaven.
And if you are not…
come to Thailand.
We will show you Heaven

Ibinasura na ang "Pilipinas Kay Ganda" DOT slogan, I- localize na lang daw mga Tourism slogans, gaya ng mga ito:
1. "Bohol: Go To Hill!"
2. "Be Cool, Bicol!"
3. "Cubao, Bow! Sarap umibabaw Sa Cubao!"
4. "Thanks For Coming! Camiguin"
5. "Hanap Mo Ba Maluwag, Halina Sa Laoag!"
6. "Babaeng Balbon, Marami Sa Malabon."
7. "Boracay, You Beach!"
8. "Aura Na Sa Aurora!"
9. "Kalasin ang Bohol"
10. "Takpan ang Navotas"

FACT:
Men enjoy looking at other women who are dressed in a manner that exposes all their assets…
But they don’t like their women dressing in the same.

HEALER: "Damihin nyo ang presensya ng Panginoon.Tumayo ka. At tumayo kayong lahat." (tumayo ang lahat pati ang lalaking nasa wheelchair)
HEALER: "Ngayon, lumakad ka!" (nakalakad ang lalaki sa wheelchair, binigyan ito ng MIC ng healer)
HEALER: "Anong masasabi mo?"
LALAKI: "DI PA RIN PO AKO MAKAKITA."

Man: "Is this 117?
Police: "Yes! What’s your emergency?"
Man: "Two girls are fighting over me!"
Police: "What’s wrong with that?"
Man: "The ugly one is winning… Hurry!"

A man prayed, "Oh God, give me one bag full of money, a job, one big vehicle and many girls around me.”
God heard his prayer and he became
A BUS CONDUCTOR!

A shrink examining his patient.
DOC: "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngaun, ano ang gagawin mo?"
PATIENT: "Titiradorin ko po ang buwan!"
DOC: "Ikaw ay di pa pwedeng palabasin. E-examinin kita ulit pagkatapos ng 6 na buwan."

(Pakalipas ng 6 ng buwan)

DOC: "Kung palalabasin ka ngaun, ano ang iyong gagawin?"
PATIENT: "Dok, ako po ay magaling na! Pagkalabas ko po ng ospital, ako po ay hahanap ng trabaho para mamuhay ng maayos."
DOC: "Good! Pag nakahanap ka ng trabaho, ano ang gagawin mo?"
PATIENT: "Doktor, ako po ay manliligaw ng isang mabait, masipag at magandang babaeng pwede kong makapiling habang buhay."
DOC: (nagulat, mukhang matino na pasyente) "Pagkatapos ninyong makasal ano iyong gagawin?"
PATIENT: "Aba, Doktor, kami po ay mag-hahanimun!"
DOK: "Ano ang iyong gagawin sa hanimun?"
PATIENT: Doktor, huhubarin ko po ang blusa at palda ng aking bagong asawa.
DOK: Pagkatapos?"
PATIENT: "Pagkatapos, huhubarin ko ang kanyang bra at panty."
Dok: Pagkatapos?"
PATIENT: "Pagkatapos… kukunin ko lahat ng lastiko sa bra at panty at titiradorin ko ang buwan!"

Anong saysay ng SOMETHING nyo,
kung may SOMEONE naman siya?
Baligtarin naman natin…
anong saysay ng SOMEONE nya,
kung may SOMETHING naman kayo?

Dalawang magkumpare nagiisip ng halloween costume.
PARE1: "Ano kaya kung dracula nalang ang saken.."
PARE2: "Ayos rin.."
PARE1: "Ikaw ano sau?
PARE2: "Baka kasi magalit ka pagsinabi ko.."
PARE1: "Ano ba un?"
PARE2: "Pwedeng hiramin mukha mo."

Two boys were arguing when the teacher came into the room.
Teacher asks, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a 1000 peso bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the money to the teacher.

In a science class:
NENE: "Teacher, oh si Pedro ang kulit…"
TEACHER: "Pedro alam mo para kang sperm."
PEDRO: "Bakit po teacher?"
TEACHER: "Ang sarap mo palabasin!"

CUTE CASHIER: "Sir, may advantage Card ba kayo?"
BOY: "Wala eh… kung meron ba… will you take advantage of me?"

EMPLOYEE: "I’m thinking of getting my boss a watch.
Every day he asks me the same fucking question.
‘What time do you call this?’"

2 ladies were fighting in a bus for a seat.
Conductor said the older lady should be the one seated.
Both ladies looked at each other and neither took the empty seat.

DOCTOR: (to a wife) “Your husband is too weak and you should give him some milk everyday.”
WIFE: “I try to give him every day BUT he sucks more and drinks less!”

A horny man says to his wife, "You have an ass as big as a washing machine." She looked at him and went to the bedroom. So he followed her and asked her for sex.
Giving him a big smile, she replies, "For such a little laundry, I’m not starting my washing machine. Do it by hand!"

GIRL: "Ang kati ng mata ko."
BOY: "Ah alam mo ibig sabihin nyan, may gusto makakita sau.."
GIRL: "Ang kati ng kamay ko."
BOY: "Eh di may gustong makipag holding hands sau.."
GIRL: "Ang kati ng labi ko.."
BOY: "Ah, may gusto humalik sau.."
GIRL: "Kati mg katawan ko."
BOY: "Hoy babae! Wag kang ambisyosa! GALIS lang yan! Eto zonrox at muriatic, hala maligo ka!"

The wife came home late at night and says to her husband, "Woohoo… I know something you don’t."
"Oh yeah, what is it, sweetie?" the husband inquired.
"What it’s like to have a big cock." she replied.

A boy on a date with a girl in a BMW..
BOY: "Sweetheart, I hid something from you."
GIRL: "What?"
BOY: "I am already married.." :/
GIRL: "Oh! You scared me. I thought this BMW isn’t yours."

When problems seem unbearable and solutions are too elusive.
Never try to give up on life.
Why?
Come on!
Hindi mo alam, grabe ang struggle ng sperm ma-reach lang ang egg para mabuhay ka!

ANAK: "Ma, pwede po pahingi ng barya?"
NANAY: "Bakit anak?"
ANAK: "Ibibigay ko lang po doon sa matanda."
NANAY: "Wow! Ang bait naman ng anak ko. Nasaan ba ung matanda?"
ANAK: "’yon po oh! Nagbebenta ng ice cream!"

Steps To Express Joy and Happiness..
Step 1 – Sumakay sa BUS..
Step 2 – Dumungaw sa bintana..
Step 3 – Ikaway-kaway ang kamay at sumigaw ng..
"Hello! AKO BUDOY!"

During a war, enemy soldiers captured three. women and say as revenge they’ll rape all of them.
Young girl requested, "Please spare the old lady."
Old Lady: "Shut up! War is War!"

QUESTION: What do "smoking cigarettes" & "eating pussy" have in common?
ANSWER: The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt..

TRUE FACT:
When a woman says, "WHAT?", it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

DOCTOR: "Sorry, lab results got mixed up. We don’t know if your wife has AIDS or asthma."
HUSBAND: "What should I do?"
DOCTOR: "Send her out jogging, if she returns, don’t sleep with her!"

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, sibuyas lang daw ang gulay na nakakapagpaiyak sa tao.
Binato ko siya ng kalabasa sa mukha.
Wari ko’y nagbago ang pananaw niya!

Misis binato ng iPad si Mister..
MISTER: "Oh! Bakit mo naman binato? Ayan nasira tuloy!"
Misis: "Bwuset eh! Mabuti pa yang iPad mo.. panay ang hipo mo.. samantalang ako kahit kalabit lang… wala!"

TEACHER: "In order to stop the spread of dengue, we have to take steps to stop the growth of mosquitoes."
BOY: "Impossible, ma’am."
TEACHER: "How come?"
BOY: "Well, who’s gonna make such little condoms?"

BOY: "I sent love letters to my girlfriend everyday for three years."
FRIEND: "And…?"
BOY: "She married the mailman!"

If you have One Wife, She fights with you.
If you have Two Wives, They fight FOR you.
See the Difference?

Long ago, a couple were madly in love. They wanted to marry but their parents don’t approve. So they decided to commit suicide together and planned to jump from a cliff.
The man could not bear to see his sweetheart die. He convinced her that he will jumped first and he did.
The lady never jumped, and thereafter all men decided "LADIES FIRST."

GURO:"Class, bakit kapag nag-oopera ang mga doktor, nagsusuot sila ng gloves?"
JUAN: "Mam, para po pag namatay ang pasyente, walang fingerprints!"

DAUGHTER: "I’m love with my neighbor, so I’m running away with him.."
DAD: "Thanks dear, you save my money and time."
DAUGHTER: "Dad, I’m reading this letter left by Mum!"

Bathroom Graffiti:
Everyone pisses on the floor.
Be a hero and shit on the ceiling!

If a couple in love is called love birds..
then a couple who’vd fought with each other will be called ANGRY BIRDS?

Chicks: "Darling, pakishave mo naman ang iyong bigote."
JOE: "Di pwede, magagalit si Mrs.."
Chicks: "Sige na, please, di ka makakagamit, sige ka!"
JOE: "Sige na nga, pero,ikaw ang magshave ha."
(pag-uwi ni Joe sa bahay, madilim na at tinabihan ang nakahigang Mrs. Hinimas ang bigote ni Joe, wala na.)
MRS: "Oy Carding, bakit ka nandito, alam mo naman na darating na si Joe!"

‘JOKE: Sa barber shop…
LALAKI: "Magkano po ang gupit?"
BARBERO: "50 lang po."
LALAKI: "Magkano naman ang ahit? "
BARBERO: "25 po."
LALAKI: "Sige, ahitan mo angbuhok ko!’"

A plumber screwing his client when her husband arrives. The husband beats him out but he manages to escape and runs home naked. Plumber said to his wife, "Babe, they robbed everything!"
She replies, "It seems they were kind enough to give you a condom to put on after they took your clothes."

A little boy to a pregnant lady in a park, "This time it’s going to be a boy, I bet on it…"
The embarrassed lady asks, "How did you know that?"
The boy replies, "I can see his mustache from your unzipped pants."

GWAPO: "Hey miss? May boyfriend ka ba?"
GIRL: (kinilig, nag blush) "Hmm, wala. Bakit?"
GWAPO: "Hahaha, buti pa ako meron."

During an exam, the biology professor asked his class to draw the female reproductive organ. As the exam was underway, a girl looked between her legs. A boy saw her and shouted, "Sir, she’s cheating!"

Scientists have discovered that OWLS have the sharpest ears in the world…
Clearly, they have never observed a man watching porn while his wife is asleep.

LASING:"Sinong siga dito? Lumabas!"
MATON:"Ako! Bakit, kakasa ka?"
LASING:"Bosing, pakihatid mo naman ako sa bahay namin. Baka mapag-tripan ako!"

Definition of Holiday:
It is a day
when a man stops doing
what his boss wants..
And
Starts doing
what his WIFE or GIRLFRIEND
wants

NOON: "Nanay:Anak, pumasok ka na sa loob, baka kunin ka ng bumbay!"

NGAYON: "Anak:Nay, magtago na kayo sa loob, naniningil na si bumbay!"

WIFE: "Babe, pagnawala ako, iiyak ka ba?"
HUSBAAND: "Oo naman…mapipigilan ko ba ang TEARS OF JOY?"

Women’s dresses these days,
Less from here,
Less from there.
Sometimes sleeveless.
Sometimes backless.
And if a guy is caught staring at such dresses.
Then he is termed as CHARACTERLESS.

BOY: "Miss kamukha mo si PAULEEN."
GIRL: "PAULEEN LUNA?"
BOY: "Hindi , PAULEENARIO MABINI."

GUY: "I would die for you."
GIRL: "Prove it!"

oOo

"Ang Diyos minsan, nilalayo sa atin ang ibang tao para protektahan tayo. Kaya minsan mas mabuting hindi na natin sila habulin."

**Courtesy of MIKE

APO: "Lolo! Lolo! May sampung kabayo, tumalon yung isa. Ilan ang bunga ng kamatis?"
LOLO: "Eh apo, yang tanong mo di abot ng utak ko, pero yang nguso mo abot ng kamao ko. Salbaheng apo!"

A man has a leaking roof over the dining table..
PLUMBER: "Sir, when did you noticed it?"
MAN: "Last night. It took me 3 hours to finish my soup!"

Gandang Gabi Vice
QUESTION: "Tuli ka na ba Vice?"
VICE GANDA: "Oo, bakit gusto mo yung balat? Ibibigay ko sayo."

QUESTION: Why does the penis hate himself?
ANSWER: he has a bald head with no brains, one blind eye, lives among nuts, an asshole is his neighbor and he is in love with a pussy.

QUESTION: What do you call a group of people where two people are thinking of LOVE and all the others are thinking of food?
ANSWER: A Wedding!

QUESTION: What are McDo ‘s employees now asking customers in the States?
ANSWER: Can you afford fries with that?

Wawa din mga kano, later mga lucky me na lang chibug nila!

"You might show me a little more respect," complained the girl as she and her date were driving back from Lovers’ Lookout.
"Like by doing what?" asked her date.
"Well, for starters, like not flying my panty from your radio antenna."

TEACHER: "What is the first month?"
STUDENT: "January."
TEACHER: "What is the second month?"
STUDENT: "February."
TEACHER: "What is the ninth month?"
STUDENT: "Delivery."

A Letter
"Dear Google!
Please stop behaving like a wife..
Kindly let me complete my sentence before you give suggestions.. Thanks."

BOY: "I love u…"
GIRL: "Really?"
BOY: "It’s my favorite vowel."

Thieves broke into Erap’s house, stole HD television
He ran after them and caught them because they forgot the remote.

Spacing Mistake
She got an expensive PEN as birthday gift.
She sent thank you SMS: "Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night."

Man standing on the weighing scale, holding his tummy in.
WIFE: "I don’t think that’s going to help."
MAN: "Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?"

Notice In A Library
WARNING!
While Reading Books On Sex,
Please Hold The Book With Both Hands

Nang magsimula ang text Dumami ang friends ko.
Naabala ang trabaho ko, Nag karayuma daliri ko,
Nasira ang budget ko…

Higit sa lahat
BUMABA SPELLING IQ KO!
‘Anestlyspeeking’

Two women talking..
FIRST: "Widows are better than us…"
SECOND: "Really? How?"
FIRST: "At least they know where their husbands are."

God was the greatest inventor of all time…
He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker!

A man was caught sleeping while on duty at an office. He raised his head slowly and said, "In Jesus’ Name… Amen!"

HOUSEWIFE: "Why were you absent without informing us?
MAID: "No! I updated my status on Facebook "I am going to province." And your husband even commented, "miss you, honey!"

GIRL: "I will marry you when you do some work of bravery…"
BOY: "It’s the greatest deed of bravery when I propose to marry you."

ERAP goes to a Chinese resto and puts his finger on the last item of the menu and says, "Bring me this..!"
WAITER: "Ohh! You can’t get that…he’s the resto owner!"

“Has anyone seen my pants?”

oOo

"Huwag ka ng magsayang ng effort sa taong wala namang pakialam sa ‘yo. Para ka lang nagwalis habang nakatutok ang electric fan sa sahig."